If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance. – George Bernard Shaw
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. – Jerry Seinfeld
I am not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins, you can’t imagine the smell. – Robert Byrne
I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap. – Fred Allen
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. – Charles Kettering
It’s funny how most people love the dead; once you’re dead you’re made for life. – Jimi Hendrix
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? – Robin Williams
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure. – Murphy’s Law
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. – Doug Larson
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. – Garrison Keiller
When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers. – Polish Proverb
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? – Anonymous
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. – Voltaire
All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. – Anonymous
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. – Bill Vaughan
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. – Anonymous
