January
“Well… what did you learn?”
I let out a shaky breath, head dipped low, along with a slight laugh. That you can control the entire world if you want to, but you’ll never be able to control love.
January. The middle of January, to be exact.
January 22, 2020, to be perfectly precise.
It was also raining, just a tad bit, with a slight fall of snow.
You were a breath of fresh air.
You were calm.
You were kind.
You were home.
Or, at least, what home would feel like if it was a person.
Love is a gift that makes us powerful. I remember always reminding myself to never love. As a child, I’d somewhat grasped what I wanted love to be, but I never saw it play out correctly. Tons of confusion.
I woke up and started to build my wall, making sure there was no way in for anyone. No cracks, no broken locks, no secret doorways. Nothing. I thought about putting in a window, out of curiosity. I figured what I had inside already was enough. I had no interest in what wasn’t already in my life.
One day, I am assuming the universe was a tad bit… bored. It broke a piece of my wall. OK, maybe it was me growing and my inner child feeling safe because of self-love, but let’s not get distracted.
Anyway, I now have a portal. Did I step out? Absolutely not. Stranger danger.
Let’s skip to the part where this became my favourite chapter of my life.
You walked by, made sure to respect the little home I made for myself. It was nice. You’d sit right outside the broken part, and I’d sit inside. We kept it at that and made the best out of every interaction. We started to slowly adjust. Nothing too big. Just outside my door, down the street and back. You came in for a bit, too, dropping off cookies. Baby steps. I had to eventually patch up my wall. For some reason, I couldn’t figure it out. You dropped by one day… again. Picked up some tools and said, “We’re a team.”
From that day on, I wasn’t scared anymore. Deep down, I knew love comes and goes. Sometimes it goes when we don’t want it to. We hold on so much that we forget to hold ourselves. We forget to love ourselves the way we love someone else. It happens. You can’t control love.
“It’s OK,” I tell us as I feel the smallest drop fall. We can let go now. I hope I’m your favourite chapter, as you’re mine. I could read you over again, through all my lifetimes, in hopes that during one of them, the universe will see the greatest love it created and allow it to blossom again.
She Feared No More
Take the jump.
Let fear fear you.
We become comfortable in our space, in this little home we’ve mentally created for ourselves. It keeps us safe and sane. It kept me. Until I had to question it all: What am I being kept safe from?
When, throughout my life, did I become afraid of my own power? Who dared to take it away from me? To take away a voice that was just about to sing into the universe. To take away my wings when I was ready to leap.
I was broken. I was crumbled beneath years of pain, of suffering, of drowning. My fear became my safety. I became numb, then just tired of being numb. Let me get up. I prayed to him. I screamed to him. I cried to him.
I didn’t realize, through all of it, I somehow had already made it to the top of the cliff. I was barely aware of my surroundings.
Now jump, my dear one.
Allow yourself to take the leap with no fear.
Allow yourself to fly into the midst of the unknown.
For you’ve become whole,
beautiful as ever.
Feel all the emotions you possibly can,
knowing resiliency is a gift.
You are divine.
You are power.
Take the jump.
What Path Do You Now Choose to Heal?
You see,
the past two years have shown me the side of myself that I shut out,
a calm soul whose love is too heavy for this world.
And so, that’s how I wish to grow and heal. To be genuine and calm with myself. To accept, to reflect, to think past my own ego.
It’s never that easy.
There’s the future me, telling me how beautiful it is to just let go and find beauty in my flaws, to forgive, to be kind, to love life, to love.
Then there’s me, telling myself to turn it off.
It was a feeling that was indescribable, yet so desirable.
It felt like a sudden wave of coldness, while the worth and power I held were given back to me within seconds.
It was something I’d been craving for these past two years and fought, because I was given the strength to see another side of me.
I don’t have that strength beside me anymore,
although I still have myself.
“Truthfully, if we’re all about the healing and growth, I’m leaning towards turning it off. Hell might break loose, but what else is new?”
And so, she sacrificed her love for him, to love herself. She broke two pure hearts within seconds.
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