I’m sitting in my writing studio, looking out the window at the beautiful rose garden my husband planted for me. Beside it is a salvia bush where the resident hummingbird visits every morning. Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s my grandmother visiting me with messages. She died more than six decades ago, but I still feel her powerful presence. This was the basis of my last memoir, Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors.
A tear drops to my cheek, mixed with joy and sadness. I miss my grandmother, but I was happy to keep her alive by writing a memoir about our connection.
Mindfully managing your emotions
The truth is that memoir asks us to dwell and make sense of our past, while mindfulness encourages us to remain in the moment. It is possible, however, for the two to work together.
Memory is fallible. Often the best way to trigger memories is to use our senses in our writing. For example, a particular smell might remind you of your childhood. A student I was working with wrote about how Johnson’s baby soap triggered memories of her childhood bathtime. If bathtime was fun, the smell brings back happy memories; but if bathtime was fraught because their parents were stressed after a day of work, the associations are more painful.
Memoir writing isn’t so much about reporting an experience as it is about your emotional reaction to it and how it shaped the person you’ve become. Each experience carries different emotions, so writing a memoir can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. The important thing is to give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise.
Certain emotions naturally arise during the memoir-writing process. For example, crying while writing is perfectly normal. In fact, it’s one of the most common experiences when writing memoir, and it often signals that you’ve reached the emotional truth of the experience or scene you’re writing about.
Sometimes writing about grief can make the grief resurface, even if you’re writing about something that happened a long time ago. Writing can reopen the wound before it softens.
Anger usually resurfaces, usually when you didn’t allow yourself to feel it at the time. Some writers feel shame, especially if they’re exposing secrets. They might find themselves thinking, “I can’t believe I’m writing this,” especially about experiences that haven’t yet been processed.
Avoidance also happens, particularly when one is writing about a challenging time. This avoidance may show up as doing something completely different, such as going for a walk or cleaning the house instead of writing. Remember that emotional writing can be tiring, so it’s important to allow time for breaks and rest.
Learning to pace ourselves
Sometimes we have to pace ourselves if difficult emotions, such as grief, anger or shame, arise. Some sections of the book will be harder than others, which may mean stepping back into the role of observer. You might have to put your work away for a while.
Years ago, I was helping a famous author’s son craft his memoir. He was primarily a fiction writer, but wanted some direction on how to write and structure a memoir. In his heart of hearts, he didn’t want to write a memoir, but the universe (and I) told him that it was important for him to do so.
If feelings of hopelessness arise or if you’re having flashbacks that disrupt your normal functioning, then it’s time to take a break.
At that point, in his seventies, it was important that he hunker down and write. He was a Vietnam Veteran who suffered a great deal of PTSD. Whenever a helicopter circled above, he tended to have a small panic attack.
If he was writing when the helicopter arrived, it would shut him down completely, just as he shut down while writing the most emotionally difficult sections. I suggested that he write the memoir at his own pace, and if it became too emotionally heavy, he should put it aside and work on another creative project of his choosing.
Another student said that writing about her childhood trauma led her to seek psychotherapy to work things out. That’s not necessarily a negative aspect of memoir writing, but it’s a possibility.
Some signs indicate it’s time to take a break: for example, if you’re not sleeping, or your appetite is affected by the writing process. If feelings of hopelessness arise or if you’re having flashbacks that disrupt your normal functioning, then it’s time to take a break.
The fire that keeps the book going
It’s important to get the experience and the emotions associated with it on the page, and decide during the editing process what to keep and what to leave out.
Remember that emotions aren’t obstacles to writing a memoir, but rather they’re the fire that keeps the memoir forging ahead. The emotions are what connect the writer to the reader, so you should never be afraid of accessing them.
However, normal emotional responses tend to rise and subside and sometimes leave us with insight into an experience. If emotions linger and interfere with normal day-to-day activities, then that’s a sign that you might need to work your feelings out through psychotherapy, or take a break from the writing process.
Trauma researchers write about a “window of tolerance,” where you’re writing and expressing vivid emotions while still thinking clearly. However, if you find yourself outside that window, you risk being retraumatized and should take a break.
Everyone has their own way of managing difficult emotions. If you’re writing about something particularly painful, you might want to avoid scheduling anything after your designated writing time, so you have time to unwind without plans. It also helps to keep a list of relaxing rituals that you can turn to during difficult times.
Remember that writing a memoir isn’t for the faint of heart, but it’s also important to enjoy the journey, rather than fixing your eyes only on the destination.
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