When I decided to major in psychology, I thought one day I’d become a therapist. Then I graduated with my B.A., and I drifted in and out of mental illness for five years and almost drowned several times.
When I decided to go to art school, I thought one day I’d become a professional artist. Then I graduated with my B.F.A., and I drifted in and out of office jobs for eight years and almost drowned again.
I have two university degrees and two decades of work experience, but I have no intention of becoming what I thought I’d be. I’ve had to decide to become something else. I’m tired of treading water. I’ve decided the only way forward is to stop wasting my time and energy on the things that I know aren’t meant for me.
Do what you can
When I was in high school, I hadn’t yet discovered the deepest depths of my depression, but I also hadn’t experienced the highest heights of euphoria. I think this is because I didn’t date much until university. There’s no bliss like wanting someone who wants you back, and there’s no devastation like having that and losing it. I didn’t cope well with the peaks and valleys of dating, nor did I cope well with keeping up with school or with life in general.
I gradually began to learn what my limits were in managing stress, but it was only by exceeding those limits again and again. It’s been a painful process. It’s difficult to accept that what you want to do and what you can handle are two different things.
I wanted to go to grad school after completing both of my bachelor’s degrees, but I wasn’t well enough to do so after either of them. I wanted to do full-time office jobs to support myself financially, but I wasn’t well enough to keep any of them for more than a year or two.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’ve turned my attention away from the things I can’t do to focus on the things I want to do. Why keep struggling to do the things I can’t, especially when I never wanted to do those things in the first place?
Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. There are many things I’ve tried to do unsuccessfully for years, because I believed they were things I should be able to do.
Now, I’m beginning to see the wisdom in letting go of the things I should do in order to do the things I love. I’m discovering that part of the reason I want to do the things I love is that I’m able to do them well.
Do what you want to
After I graduated from art school, I spent years working as an editor to pay the bills. I’m a pretty good editor. I’m also a pretty good administrative assistant and receptionist. However, there was precious little that I loved about any of those jobs. I also wasn’t great at any of them, and that was partly because of how unhappy I was. I was bored and restless, and I resented those jobs because I knew full well there was something else I was meant to be doing.
I should have been writing.
A talented young oil painter once told me that discipline follows passion: the more passionate you are about something, the easier it is to commit to it, and from that commitment comes the discipline to improve your skills and master your craft.
You can control what you do, but you can’t control what you love.
You can pretend to be passionate about something, but whether or not you are is something that’s already written in your soul. The only thing you can control is whether or not you let your true passions guide your actions and commitments.
I’ve noticed that I’m happiest and healthiest when I’m devoting as much time as I can to writing. My commitment to this is what I call my life purpose.
Can + want to = meant to
I wish I could be happier and healthier at a full-time office job. I tried my best until I couldn’t try anymore. I had to fall off the hamster wheel to have the time and space I needed to return to the thing that I should have been doing all along.
It’s a luxury to be able to spend time doing the thing you love most. Nonetheless, if doing that thing is your life purpose, the Universe will find a way to clear your path so you can do what you’re meant to do.
I feel like I’ve lost so many years of my life to the obstacles I’ve faced and the countless times I’ve ignored my needs to my own detriment. I spent so much time struggling through jobs and relationships that were never meant for me and carried me away from who I really am.
However, I firmly believe that it’s never too late to start again. Your life purpose finds you exactly where you are.
Sometimes just deciding to open yourself up to finding your life purpose is all you need to do. In my experience, that can be enough to get you swimming in the right direction. The stream of life will carry you where you’re meant to be when you’re doing what you love.
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image 1 Click on ????, consider ☕ Thank you! ? from Pixabay 2 image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay 3 image by Barbara P. Meister MA from Pixabay
