Paths
My empty soul once believed, without a doubt, that I was unworthy of the gift of life and love. I was incapable of living a functional life, and numb to love towards myself and others. I couldn’t share a dark and defeated spirit or heart.
The blackout within my soul could barely be lit with a dim flicker of hope, but it was, and I’ve slowly continued to fuel the flame. Now, the fire within me blazes with sparks of life that snap, crackle and pop into the abyss of darkness, where my path explodes and then naturally fades into the unknown of tomorrow.
I’ve tumbled over rocky paths, and fallen off cliffs into raging waters where I fought to breathe, only to be washed ashore onto a deserted island where I reside alone with my fear, pain, trauma and insanity.
I never waved and screamed for help. I was never rescued. I slowly pieced together a boat that would take me out into ocean storms, where hungry sharks circled and waves crashed. I fought to find land grounded with connection, love and freedom. I searched for meaning in the horizon. I gave up. I waved and screamed for help, and the wind picked up.
I’m a free spirit and embrace going with the flow and compliantly taking direction. I’m stubborn, and my compliance, at times, comes from a place of pleasing instead of personal wants and needs. I now allow the pressure from the strong breeze of support to guide me, while also remaining rooted in my freedom of beliefs and desires.
The Earth’s dirt surrounds my tangled network of staggered past paths, and as I rock in the wind, I remain grounded. As my roots reach for the centre of the Earth where a tangible reality lives, my branches reach for the stars and my leafy dreams dance to the music of nature.
Life and love now come naturally.
Freedom
As my mind untangles, the imprisonment of my mania finds freedom in the structure and stability that surrounds me. It’s the power of positivity that has once again launched me forward into a life of hope, faith and love.
By slowly peeling back my darkness and the secrets that consumed me, and with a willingness for growth, I now find myself quickly sprinting towards a new kind of freedom. A freedom distant from a sense of imprisonment. A freedom full of excitement and anticipation, instead of freshly emerging from a place of fear, pain and trauma. I now believe in myself and my ability to live a life of independence and accountability, with a moral compass full of fulfilling values.
As the torture of my mind fades, I sit quietly and listen to the peaceful sound of the air, instead of the voices in my head. I find comfort, safety and security in my breath and in my very being. I find freedom in my soul and an openness to vulnerability that allows for feeling once again. All my needs have been met, and it’s in my hands only to follow through.
My pattern of insanity has already been broken. That’s not the problem. My commitment to self, though, is a mere desire. I want connection. I want love. I want freedom. I can’t attract these desires because I want them. It takes work, and this time, I want to fight.
What we, as humans, are capable of enduring is nothing less than a miracle. Living one life may be enough, but to live many takes work. With grace and dignity, I walk away from the web of lies and deceit that once filled me with shame and guilt. I walk into the light, a place where I’ve been before. The familiarity brings me back to the innocence and purity of my childhood, and the freedom of my laugh sings to my desire for a forever youthful soul.
This time, I’m here to stay.
Truth
By immersing myself in the present time, my ability to overcome grief has transitioned from repetitive, long nights of agonizing shrieks to a quick cry, followed by an acceptance and understanding of hardships that were once perceived as unfair, but are now seen through the lens of gratitude and growth.
In the midst of my delusions, everything I feel, see and hear and the synchronicities that unfold are my reality, my truth—and, in my insanity, are believed to be signs that ultimately throw me into a vicious and persistent fight for proof and truth.
With my newfound awareness of myself and my emotions, my ability to grieve the insanity of my truth is now a battle that’s easily won. Reflecting on the cycle of my past grief that defeated me, and my idea of the power of love that consumed me, I see a sad girl desperately looking for fantasy and escape.
With a satisfaction that calms my impatience and a hope that’s undying, I sit in my discomfort with confidence, and the belief that what’s meant to be will unfold when the time is right. By leaving behind the thought that I deserve something extraordinary, and that I’m extraordinary, I find comfort and peace in knowing I’m a small speck of light in this expansive Universe filled with shining stars, shooting stars and more unknowns than my mind can comprehend.
Presently, I desire and dream of miracles. And so does my insanity.
Gifts
I wake early, where I rise from a small bed that has surrounded me with safety and warmth. As I bounce out of the comfort of my dreams, I feel alive and ready for another day, where I strive to comfort others with the warmth I’ve been grateful to receive and maintain.
I greet each day with a positivity and light that I believe has kept me alive during sleepless, dark times of nightmares, when extreme spikes of chills and heat possessed my cold, then hot, defeated body.
The now balanced temperature within my soul sheds energy of equality and stability. I see the gifts we all possess. Without shoving them in faces with hopes for them to be passionately ripped open and revealed, I instead sensitively place them under a tree, where they patiently sit and remain visible until they’re approached and peeled open—when the time has come.
I give my heart deeply and I give my input sparingly. Let us feel our gifts. Let our minds not overwhelm us. Let us own our stories and live in the present, where every night, we fall into a deep sleep full of beautiful dreams that we wake to and reflect upon, before returning to the excitement of each unknown moment that today will bring and tomorrow will reveal.
Life is the greatest gift of all.
Carelessness
My carelessness and impulsivity that once accelerated self-sabotage has now shifted to a carelessness in opposition that screams in anger at my past self-destruction, and calmly whispers to a content soul that all will be OK. That it is what it is. That I have no control of my history and that the past is the past. That I had tough cards dealt in life, and that it’s not my fault.
I move from place to place with the intention of finding a place called home. A place of stability. A place that welcomes the chaos of a life full of babies. Full of family. Full of traditions and memories. Full of love that transcends time and space and a welcoming attitude towards the beautiful process of aging. Full of life and full of loss, with a full acceptance of the inevitability of death. Full of a carefree belief that the circle of life exists.
I question where life will take me. I bounce from project to project with no intentions but to fill the void of stillness. Both blessed and cursed with overflowing opportunities and an abundance of different directions and paths, I surrender to my passions and to my talent.
Let me dip my feet into every rapidly flowing river. Let me be swept away by passions and sucked under into chaotic waters, only to come up gasping for air before I float onto my next exhilarating adventure. Let the current guide me.
Let me be careless.
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