When you’re your own worst enemy, it’s hard to be a good friend to anyone else.
This uncomfortable truth has been playing itself out in my life for a long time. I’ve lost so many friends over the years. I only have a small handful left, and most of them would more accurately be described as acquaintances. There are many reasons for my struggle to keep close friends, but the fundamental one is this: I don’t love myself enough to be able to embrace them fully in my heart.
I’ve lived with depression for decades, and the shame I feel about this makes it very difficult to love myself, let alone anyone else. Unfortunately, I predict that I’ll be living with depression for the rest of my life. What does this mean for my future? If I’m never able to improve my relationship with myself, does this mean my relationships with others will never improve either?
5 ways depression sabotages my friendships
In reflecting on the connection between my mental illness and all of the people who have come and gone in my life, I can see clear patterns emerge. Here are five ways that depression sabotages my friendships and robs me of intimacy:
I have difficulty trusting others’ perceptions of me
Because I usually can’t see my best qualities, I struggle to believe the people who can. I want to believe them when they tell me why they like spending time with me and having me in their lives, but all I see in myself are the things I like the least. I see myself, my friends and the world at large through grey-tinted glasses.
I believe any mistakes I make are unforgivable
Because I feel so unworthy of the friends I have, I live with the irrational fear that I’m always one mistake away from losing them, and this causes intense anxiety. When I do make a mistake, like disappointing them or hurting their feelings, it can lead to my bailing on the friendship with no warning, without even checking in with them about how they actually feel about what happened.
I often need too much attention and reassurance
I struggle to meet my own needs because I don’t believe I deserve health and happiness. I end up depending on others to meet these needs for me, and this puts too much strain on my friendships. Put simply, I’m often guilty of taking more than I give, because there’s such a deep emptiness inside me from all of the things I’m not able to give myself.
I struggle to set and keep boundaries
The trauma I’ve experienced in the past makes it feel unsafe for me to set boundaries. I always fear it will lead to my getting rejected for being too selfish, inflexible or cold. Because I don’t feel safe about directly communicating what my boundaries are, I end up hoping my friends will know where they are without being told.
Inevitably, my boundaries get crossed at some point and I get triggered, and the resulting discomfort quickly becomes unbearable. If my boundaries keep getting crossed inadvertently by my friends, and I don’t say anything, it’s only a matter of time before those friendships become unsustainable for me.
I live with symptoms that lend themselves to social isolation
I deal with fatigue, emotional dullness, a sense of hopelessness and low self-worth on an ongoing basis. All of these symptoms make me want to stay home alone. If I never go out and meet my friends for coffee or lunch, attend the opening night of their art exhibitions or show up in person to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on, I’m keeping my friends at a distance.
Friends kept at a distance become acquaintances. To bring them in closer to me would mean exposing them to the full measure of my struggle with shame and despair. It’s exhausting to force a smile for two hours. It’s much easier to send an occasional text.
Learning to be a friend to myself
All of the reasons that I struggle to keep friendships alive seem insurmountable, just as my daily struggle with depression itself feels insurmountable. Still, I get through each day, one day at a time, and each day is a new opportunity to nurture my friendships and mend broken bridges.
I need to start with mending the bridge that connects me to myself. If I continue to cut ties with myself, unable to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and the shortcomings I live with, I’ll never be able to bridge the gap between who I am and the woman I want to grow to become.
I know that the first step on the path to loving myself is to accept myself for who I am, including the fact that I have depression and that this is not my fault.
Depression is no friend of mine, but it doesn’t mean I am destined to be my own worst enemy forever.
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image 1 Arek Socha from Pixabay 2 image by Anemone123 from Pixabay 3 image by jdalton1216 from Pixabay
