Vulnerability
I’ve been shaped by a life full of love and adventure, and as my story continues to unfold, my narration of it is shifting. My ego no longer finds validation in sharing the ebb and flow of experience that became a vicious cycle of defeat, grief and healing with sprinkles of stability and joy.
I now pull up the lessons learned from my past, with the hopes of sharing a universal perspective instead of the crazed personal story full of humility that once defined me. My definition of self now encompasses my core values and the purpose of aiming to expose the vulnerability, truth and wisdom we all possess.
After many times of piecing together my building blocks of life into a new and unique structure, and repetitively hammering the constructions down to tiny shards of waste—only to delicately glue them back together in a way that even a soft breeze could crumble the foundation, I now meticulously and cautiously am building a castle that is expanding in strength and durability. A castle guarded by gates that only open for loving family, friends and mentors whom I invite to accompany me on my journey.
Eventually, after locking myself into closet after closet where I was attacked and tortured by dark monsters and ghosts, I found a key that unlocked a door that opened to a field of dreams, where mystical and benevolent creatures calmly grazed and waited for my approach.
This expansive and magical room still fills me with fear, but I now confront the unknown of reactions with acceptance and patience. I expose my own vulnerability, truth and wisdom in hopes of receiving the same.
Which door should I unlock next?
Balance
By leaving behind jealousy, resentment fades and understanding and self-compassion grow. Take a healthy dose of selfishness, and don’t be affected by external matters. Trust yourself and trust that your staggered path will unwind into clear dreams that intersect with all we’re connected to and tell the life story we were meant to live.
As comparison fades, balance enters through an ability to look inward and separate one’s needs from others. Finding passion, drive and competition within myself and striving towards goals from a place of self-worth and a desire for fulfillment, with an acceptance of past failures and preparation for future ones, I eagerly launch myself forward. All the while, I know that my niche in life will come with patience, dedication and hard work.
My dreams are big, but my awareness of false hope and unrealistic expectations is now deeply rooted within my mind. A mind that loves getting lost in the clouds and escaping into a fantasy world where a deep and magical love resides. A stubborn mind that was once tortured, but is now peacefully resting in a strong, healthy body. An insane mind that’s still curious and searching for miracles. My mind.
Are you there? Can you hear me?
Patience
As my spontaneity gets caught between overlapping clouds where the sky’s breeze pushes it with force—and where the squeeze then releases and opens into a calm blue space, where the overwhelming fears of pressure then relax—I feel balance in the weather. My intense push towards the sun finds the discipline to slow the pace, in fear of burning. I find a soft, comfortable seat on a cloud that holds me in stillness while still shifting its shape and direction.
I find a soft, comfortable seat on a cloud that holds me in stillness while still shifting its shape and direction.
As I sit in patience watching the sun fall, I slowly begin to light up with bright, beautiful colours that fade into night, where I see the moon rise and shooting stars that, in their great distance, seem in reach. I lay my head back to rest on a pillow full of fluffy dreams.
I awaken to birds soaring past my solid body mass, while I remain untouched and undistracted. I find peace in stillness and the awareness of my lack of invincibility, of my fragility and human nature. I close my eyes to the sun and allow the light and heat to softly kiss my sensitive skin.
The kiss makes me blush.
Creativity
Creativity has led me to an inspiration that has manifested unknowns and has made me question reality by showing me different perspectives on life’s mysteries. After a long, exhausting search for all possible avenues of perceiving the impossible, and a thrilling and persistent desire to keep returning to this insane research of self-discovery, I finally hit a bottom that I could no longer bounce back from.
My obsession lived on in a defeated and numb mind and body that exuded misery and woke up, morning after morning, with a fight to go on while believing this was it. That this would be my life. That I would never have love and connection, or ever fulfill my destiny. But a small flicker of hope continued to burn deep within my vacant and lifeless soul.
I now embody a balanced feeling of love, connection and an insanity that is driving me forward with the passion to dream once again. An insanity I’ve learned to control by honing and directing this spontaneous and once sporadic energy towards sharp, mindful outlets that bring me health and joy. An insanity I now have no shame embracing. An insanity I want to share with the world, while holding onto an awareness of the delusions and torture I’ve lost myself to in the past.
My mind comes alive each morning, as a blank slate full of oblivion that, at the same time, is swimming with curiosity and excitement. As my day begins, it unfolds with no expectations, while my exploration for fulfillment swarms onto my mind’s canvas and creates a new, colourful and different abstract perspective.
Let me be free to express. Let me share. Let me not be judged.
Let me be crazy.
Stability
I stand firmly on a ground that overwhelms me with my own perspectives, but I won’t allow myself to be stripped from my strong grasp on the Earth. I steadily pace in circles while looking for a middle ground that holds me steady, where my autonomy and independence won’t get lost in a frenzy of controlling opinions that once defined my path.
I should be free to have a say. To be heard and understood. To stay honest, stand up for myself and speak about disagreements. I should be in the driver’s seat, cruising towards my own desires.
I haven’t always known what was best for me, and I give my undying gratitude to those who’ve guided me towards a life direction that is now accelerating with purpose and a mission to remain focused and sharp. On this path, my engine continues to pick up, and I race between the lines with no competition and the hope of crossing the finish line unscathed.
Hand over the keys.
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