We all have a story. Sometimes it’s the story of being knocked to the ground—perhaps because of a serious car wreck, a cancer diagnosis or the death of a loved one. And if we aren’t careful, a story like this can get buried within us. We can deny that it ever happened, and this might lead to physical or psychological problems.
Let’s explore how we can identify and begin to rewrite a difficult story we need to tell.
Ben’s story
Ten years ago, at the beginning of his senior year, Ben sat in the back of my high school writing classroom. Against the wall, over his head, was an imaginary sign that read, “Leave me alone.” But my job as a teacher was to knock down that sign. And while it took a few weeks, I did. On my third attempt at a conversation with Ben, there was a breakthrough.
Although he had few words for what had happened, he had a story stuck inside. It had shattered his life. He’d scrawled bits of it in his classroom journal, but now, he’d tell me. “Last summer … my uncle … my best friend … died.” Ben had broken his silence.
While he continued to struggle with his words, Ben began to inch forward. In the following weeks, he began writing a personal narrative on this tragic death. Still, it would be several more weeks before he’d share it openly in class. Even then, his story bobbed up unexpectedly. On the day narratives were due, I asked if any students wanted to read their work aloud. Ben’s hand shot up—probably as much to his surprise as to the surprise of his classmates.
For a few seconds, he sat staring at his essay, stunned that he’d volunteered, but he found his voice. At first, he read haltingly about “his lost friend.” But then Ben found his rhythm and read about the good times with his uncle—reading Rolling Stone, riding bikes, and listening to U2, especially “Beautiful Day.”
He described a visit to a memorial in Washington, D.C., where he watched his uncle cry as he rubbed his fingers across a name, noting that Uncle Mark could neither forget this war nor talk about it.
Then, his voice softened, and Ben ended by describing a not-so-beautiful day when he opened the garage door to find his uncle shot to death. “Self-inflicted wound,” he read. “A suicide.”
As students left my class that day, some paused to thank Ben for reading his story. Others paused to pat him on the back, and two girls hugged him.
While this story would never be OK, that was the day Ben began accepting his uncle’s death and integrating it into his life story. Within the next few months, Ben began to volunteer and work with local veterans. With this, he was moving forward and trying to make something positive come from his loss.
Your words can heal you
Currently, more than two hundred studies have demonstrated that our personal writing can help us heal physically, psychologically and even socially.
Through my work with writers, veterans and cancer patients, I’ve discovered that there are five specific stages pertaining to healing and transforming your personal story through writing.
- Experiencing pain and grief. When you experience trauma due to a loss, illness or any serious setback, you’ll experience painful emotions. While there’s no set order for what transpires, you might initially find yourself wanting to ignore or deny what’s happened, because this helps a person endure the shock.
- Breaking the silence. At this time, you’ll find your voice. You’ll begin to express your emotions and openly share what has happened.
- Accepting and piecing together a shattered story. In this stage, you’ll begin to move your emotions into a logical framework, so you can make sense of what has happened to you and decide what you plan to do about it. Writing is especially helpful in this stage.
- Finding meaning. Here, you’ll make sense of your broken story and integrate it into your life. This is the point at which the story is complete.
- Rewriting or transforming your story. With the pain of your traumatic experience behind you, you’ll be able to move forward with renewed energy and live more fully.
Finding a story you need to tell
If you haven’t written about a difficult experience or trauma before, you may want to approach it first by doing a structured writing exercise. By answering simple questions, you’ll be able to explore your experience and decide if you’re ready to move forward with a more in-depth exploration.
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Structured writing exercise: 6 “what” questions
For this particular exercise, begin by completing each sentence starter and follow it with a short paragraph of a few sentences. It should take about 10 to 20 minutes. Keep in mind that if, at any point, your writing seems too painful, you should put it on hold.
- What story do you want to tell? Why?
- What do you remember about this experience?
- What’s unique or surprising about this story?
- What do you feel about this experience? What pain or joy do you associate with this time?
- What’s universal about your story?
- What have you learned from this story?
Later, come back and review your answers. At this time, explore what you’ve learned and what you hope to take away from this experience in more depth. Decide if you need to take any practical steps to help you move forward.
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[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Sandra Marinella, M.A., M.Ed., is an award-winning writing teacher and the author of The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss. She has taught thousands of students and fellow educators, and has presented hundreds of workshops to veterans, teachers, writers and cancer patients about the power of our personal stories and writing to heal, grow and transform our lives. Discover more about Sandra at www.storyyoutell.com.
Based on the book The Story You Need to Tell. Copyright © 2017 by Sandra Marinella. Printed with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com.
