Excerpted from Love Cycles by couples therapist Linda Carroll, in which she explains the five essential stages of love that a person may cycle through with one or more partners during a lifetime.
To fall in love feels more miraculous than anything I know. Life is infused with magic and fresh meaning. During this first giddy stage of intimacy, new lovers merge, much like a mother and her newborn child. Boundaries melt away and the sense of “we-ness” is all there is. Our similarities seem profound, our conversations endless. If anything threatens to point out our differences, we rush to rationalize it, convinced that our beloved’s qualities and quirks are just the “right” differences. OK, so he barely talked to my friends tonight, but that’s because he listens so well! I plan everything, but she’s so spontaneous—just what I need to get out of my rigid rut.
Our similarities excite us, no matter how obscure. We both loved the same song in the seventh grade. We both have always wanted a golden Pekingese and we both harbour a secret desire to climb Machu Picchu. It all becomes evidence that we’re about as perfect as two human beings can be for each other.
In many ways, the advent of love is a transcendent experience. There’s sacredness in this first stage; it’s not simply an illusion. We’re truly able to sense the other’s spirit. Just as important, we experience our own brightest light. One of the most marvelous aspects of this stage is not only the idealized way we see our partner but the new, more laudable way we see ourselves. Listening closely comes easily to us, as does giving the ideal response. Our patience seems eternal, our interest in the other boundless. Who knew that we possessed such generosity, such largeness of spirit? How delightful it feels to live with an open heart, bountiful compassion and unconditional care.
In the shelter of our love bubble, it’s easy to think we can float in such pure happiness forever. Yet no matter how strong the bond may become later, the exhilaration of early love isn’t sustainable. Somehow, each of us must find our way back to ourselves.
Charlie and Megan: An oceanic start
They make a striking pair. Megan, a high-level health-care administrator with a sharp-edged, regal beauty, is the sort of woman people might describe as an “ice princess.” Charlie, a pediatrician, is the kind of big, shambling man whose gentle friendliness puts people instantly at ease. It’s no surprise that children love him.
Megan remembers the first time Charlie walked into her office to introduce himself as a new member of the hospital staff. He was undeniably good-looking and clearly accomplished. He had graduated from medical school with honours and spent the next two years in Sudan, where he cared for orphans. He had every reason to take himself seriously, even to be a touch self-satisfied. Megan knew plenty of doctors like that.
Megan could see, though, that this man was different. As they chatted, it became clear that Charlie had a heart as well as a brain. Later, she was even more impressed when he introduced an animal-assisted therapy program at the hospital so that seriously ill children could cuddle and play with dogs especially trained for the program and even visit with their own beloved pets.
Charlie also had a well-developed inner clown. Megan registered this fact as soon as she caught sight of his tie, which peeked between the lapels of his white lab coat. It was the first of many “magic” ties she would see, whose cavorting animal patterns were guaranteed to distract and delight sick children. “I wish every pediatrician had your sense of play and fun,” she told him.
In the weeks that followed, Megan found herself increasingly drawn to Charlie. The effect his presence had on the children in the wards touched and amazed her. As for his effect on her, he enlivened their every encounter with zany humour. His personal warmth was unfamiliar to Megan, whose family was undemonstrative. Something in her stirred. With him, she began to feel nurtured, not unlike the children under his care.
So when Charlie asked her to join him for coffee one afternoon, she readily accepted. Lunches in the hospital cafeteria followed, which led to weekend concerts and, soon, to amorous evenings at his apartment or her condo.
The delight of the unexpected left Megan giddy. She had broken through the barriers of her careful, upper-class Philadelphia upbringing to join a stranger in a strange land. She loved to listen to Charlie tell stories about life in Oregon on the farm, where he’d grown up as the son of a taciturn rye grass farmer. Hunting and harvesting were as novel to her as the bear hugs Charlie gave her in the hospital corridors. When they made love, Megan felt herself unfold. She had been taught to weigh every decision, but now there was no decision to make. She simply surrendered.
And Charlie? At first he was tempted to dismiss Megan as too highbrow, a woman whose sophistication overshadowed his simple, homespun tastes. At the hospital he often heard her tell her colleagues about the latest art exhibit she had seen. At the staff Christmas party, she said how exciting it was that “finally, we’ll hear Aida this month,” as though everyone else on the pediatric ward had season tickets to the opera. There was, however, something vital and alive about her that intrigued him. Beneath her reserved surface, he sensed a playful personality just waiting to emerge.
By the time Charlie met Megan, his life had changed so dramatically that he barely recognized it. He had achieved many of his dreams—to become a doctor, to travel the world and to enhance the lives of small children through medicine and laughter. He had gained enough confidence to flirt with a woman who might well have intimidated him in the past. In fact, Megan’s initial coolness only heightened his interest. When she responded, he was ecstatic. Her blue-green eyes seemed to see right into his soul.
Surrendering to romance
When we fall in love, our rational minds may try to raise red flags to warn us that, once we step across love’s threshold, there will be minefields and sinkholes. Megan, for example, dimly realized that Charlie’s fun-loving nature sometimes embarrassed her. Occasionally, Charlie felt rebuffed by Megan’s reserve.
Most of us know all about red flags. Experience may well have taught us that the initial passion won’t last and that pain and loss will inevitably follow. But we fear the risk of greater loss if we turn away. Anyways, that’s not usually an option! In the first stage of love, our emotional brain pummels our rational brain into submission. Caution and fear fall away, and we submit to the pleasure and power of romance.
Human beings possess two distinct and opposing instincts: the desire to merge with another and the need to remain an individual. Both are vital. Just as an infant and mother bond, so do newly joined lovers become immersed in each other. And just as the infant must one day push against her mother to become herself, we, too, need to eventually move away from our lover and recover the edges of our own uniqueness. For the moment, however, to push away is the last thing we want to do. We want to merge—and why wouldn’t we?
Some lovers try to stay inside the love bubble as long as they can by creating their own private culture. They invent a language of their own that nobody else can understand. They share jokes with punch lines that are funny only to them. Within the perceived safety of the bubble, their merge feels at once total and eternal. It was in just such a bubble that film star Ingrid Bergman and her husband, Petter Lindstrom, named their daughter, Pia, with the three letters standing for Petter, Ingrid, Always. Alas, the marriage fell apart, but Pia’s name remained a reminder of love’s possibilities and its fragility—always.
Of course, not everyone experiences the “urge to merge.” Some people never feel it at all. Or they enjoy an initial hit of ecstasy that quickly dissipates. Some people enter love slowly, with a friendship that gradually leads to an intimate partnership—one that may or may not be spiced with romance. Others choose a partner because they feel that “it’s just time,” which may coincide with the accelerating ticking of the biological clock. Still others focus on similarities based on ethnicity, race, religion, education, class and life goals. Indeed, in many cultures, selecting a mate has little or nothing to do with falling in love. Nonetheless, so much of our culture—songs, movies, fairy tales and novels—leads us to believe that idealized love is the norm. We await the prince who will kiss us awake or for the princess who will melt our heart and soul.
[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Linda Carroll is the author of Love Cycles. A couples’ therapist for more than 30 years, she is certified in Transpersonal Psychology and Imago Therapy and is a master teacher in Pairs Therapy. She lives in Corvallis, OR, offers workshops across the country, and is a frequent speaker at Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico. Visit her online at http://www.lindaacarroll.com.
Excerpted from the book Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love ©2014 by Linda Carroll. Published with permission of New World Library http://www.newworldlibrary.com.
