Decades ago, I signed up for a nature trip to the Farallons, a chain of rocky offshore islands and sea stacks off the coast of northern California. It’s really a massive sea Eden for whales, porpoises, seals and marine birds. I was queasy and green the entire boat ride, as the Pacific Ocean was quite rough, especially where saltwater met the San Francisco Bay.
Every time my stomach begged me to go back, I looked out at the horizon. The Farrallons were looming right in front of me, with the crags seemingly lifted to the sky, close but oddly never getting closer. What I was experiencing was a trick that light plays, an illusion of a faraway object, whether land or a ship, being a short distance away. A mirage.
Just out of reach
I’ve thought of happiness as a mirage, something ostensibly within my reach, the future cloying with the present. All I had to do was try harder, put up with more, postpone enjoyment, settle for any partner, play it safe. In my imagination, I could simply stretch out my hand and seize happiness, but it never got any closer, and I wasn’t happy. A dull gloom roosted in my life.
Over the last five years, I’ve slowed down to the present. I grow much of my own vegetables, take long walks, write and look in wonderment at the panoply of nature around me. During this seemingly endless pandemic, my garden erases any sense of confinement. This is where I belong, a place that guards me. I’m its guardian while I live.
Despite the infirmities of aging, I can say that these last five years have been happier than the rest of my life. I’ve learned a few things. You might find my way of thinking silly, impractical, irrelevant or antisocial, but there’s nothing in what I believe implies a disregard of the harsh reality of climate change, the erosion of democracy and social injustice. No, I’m not indifferent or tuned out; rather, I’m engaged from a different place.
So, why is happiness like a mirage?
Consider ambition
Ambition for the sake of success and accomplishment can make it hard to find happiness. We live in a world that idolizes heroes, telling young people to aspire to be special, to stand out. The happiest people are those who are content to slip under the radar, to live ordinary and simple lives, doing ordinary and everyday things.
Looking back at my business career, I was a lot less happy pursuing money and success than I am now, simply growing homegrown spinach and carrots from seed to plate. Success was addictive, so was accomplishment. If you live your life chasing and ticking boxes—career, partner, big house, wealth—you forget to relish the simple, fulfilling things.
My time here has taught me to keep my ambition in check. To dream bigger and better is fun at times, but happiness resides in the present, not in the future.
Living in the moment
My prior life was a tightrope act, the struggle to balance work and leisure, to reward myself with a favourite meal, a night out with friends, a movie, whatever. It created a routine of work-reward, work- reward. However, my work wasn’t my pleasure, and I had no real control in the office hierarchy. Work began to outweigh pleasure, and there was less and less time to do pleasurable things. I could afford more, but expensive stuff didn’t make me any happier.
Now I fill my days living in the moment—garden-making, taking long walks, playing the piano and reading. I handle the Earth and breathe deeply. I engage all my senses in activities that aren’t boring or onerous (even weed pulling), but rather a kind of meditation on life, impermanence and seasonal cycles.
Life is a journey, not a destination
So many are focused on reaching for a mirage, when enough boxes have been ticked and true happiness will begin. Happiness, I’ve found, is a series of moments in each day: feeling the sun on my cheek, listening to a bird sing, savouring the taste of something I haven’t eaten in a long time, the first cup of tea in the morning, a hot shower. It’s not the big things. It’s the small things stacked on top of each other that make me happy. To enjoy those things, I have to be present in the moment.
Physical activity
I used to think physical activity was just another task, a way to keep my body fit and healthy. Since living here, I’ve realized that it goes way beyond that. Physical activity is the single best way for me to keep my mind healthy. It’s meditation in its purest form. Physical work, gardening and walks unlock my mind and free my ideas.
Whenever I want to think through a problem in writing, I go for a walk or get stuck in a mundane, repetitive job in the garden. Repetitive work gets my brain moving in a way that sitting down never does. I’ve decided not to constantly dwell on the aches and pains of aging or count the minutes until physical activity is over. I feed my mind whatever it needs to be happy—that’s listening to classical music on my walks, and while walking, I imagine things and dare to dream. In that way, I feed that old ambition.
Pursuing passions
My most important insight from these last five years is to spend my life doing something that I’m most passionate about. I don’t think life is about succeeding. Life is a journey, as I’ve said. It’s about trying. It’s about the pursuit of dreams. Accomplishment isn’t where I get my motivation and energy.
A mirage
I don’t settle for unhappiness, thinking that tomorrow I’ll be happy. I don’t worry about fitting in, conforming or meeting expectations. I accept and treasure my introverted nature, and I’ve no wish to be otherwise. Perhaps the most insidious mirage of all is thinking that I can make other people happy.
Finally, I believe that change is an inherent part of life. Far too much emphasis is placed on committing to one path through life, and diverting from it is seen as failing or something to be ashamed of. That’s not how journeys work.
Who knows where the journey of life will take me? I know what I care about now and I am doing that. I won’t be embarrassed by experiments, or by the choices I make, or what path I choose to follow, nor should you.
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image Petra Sentek from Pixabay 2 image by StockSnap from Pixabay 3 image by Pexels from Pixabay
