Beauty
The fields of my mind were once overwhelmed with weeds that I carelessly left to expand and grow between isolated and scattered flowers. I fought to reach these flowers while pushing myself through high and wild grasses, with a lack of awareness that left me blind to the crystal-clear streams just beyond the chaos of my frazzled and lost mind.
As my oblivion searched for openings where there would be expansive fields of flowers fully in bloom, and trickling waters full of life, I was only discovering small patches of buds needing water and sun—until I surrendered, and aimlessly stumbled upon a space full of freedom where endless flowers were opening and reaching their petals towards the sun.
I wasn’t alone in this field of dreams. I found family, friends and an unconditional love that pranced through my soul and gave me a deeper meaning that inspired me to return to the scary fields and rip out the weeds. I no longer got lost in the trauma of my suffocating insanity and fear of support, and asked this love to accompany me back to the ugly and evil fields. There, I received help with unrooting the past, and was guided back to where family and friends patiently waited for my return.
As I became comfortable in this new place, I became comfortable exploring the beauty within it. My eyes opened wide to the colours and movement of nature. I safely moved throughout this sacred field with the intention of covering all ground and the hope of touching every flower, only to pick the ones that caught my eye and brought physical feelings to my heart.
I saw my reflection in the streams. A beauty I’d never seen before overwhelmed my emotions, and I fearlessly searched to feel all that is possible: the good, the bad and the impossible.
Beauty is powerful.
Expression
I dance to the rhythm of my beating heart, finding movement from every song. As I open my soul and hear every layer of music, the feelings from all my senses explode with freedom and joy. I try to find self-expression in everything I do—with gestures, my voice, movement and any creative outlets I’m capable of working with.
I no longer feel the need to be altered into a more comfortable and relaxing mindset in order to embrace the humility that now dances through my soul, exuding confidence and a careless freedom that shines for all to see.
I want to attract the best. I want to approach, be approached and remain approachable while embodying a kind, sincere and genuine character. I want to enlighten and be enlightened, while remaining curious with no judgment and an open mind that soaks up knowledge, while quickly sifting through different perspectives and attaining only what applies to my interests and values.
I want to be moved. I want to be stimulated. I want to be tested.
My freedom of expression portrays a vision of colourful fashion and unbrushed hair. I take ownership of my free spirit that will continue to dance through life towards love, connection and a freedom that lives deep within us all. As I shovel the hard and rocky dirt out of the external masks we all wear, I hope to hit the bottom, where authentic beauty and vulnerability are alive. A fragile and real place where a scary reality of insanity and dreams resides.
Let us show our faces.
Hope
As I hit a sturdy wall that’s standing in the present where I feel complete, I punch through the grey paint. With my stubborn and persistent strength, it begins to crack. It opens into a small, messy hole that, when peered through, gives me a vision of a future full of colour and abstract patterns that continue to move away from me in this new and expanding room.
My hand is cut and bruised, and I want so badly to rip down the entire wall that’s standing between me and my dreams, but I remain stuck in my mind, where I’m only shown a glimpse.
My undying hope and my belief in myself keep me from turning my back and returning to the many rooms of my past, where the doors remain open. My strong desire to ask for help is masked by my insecurity about my ideas and my selfish attitude of wanting to reach the future on my own, after feeling that I’ve already made it this far.
I will no longer let the spiders of life hold me back. I will not give up.
As I continue to get caught and tangled in webs of fear that reside in my current room, I look for inspiration within myself, where I’m reminded that it’s possible to clean and clear out dark, sticky corners of rooms that are crawling with spiders. The rooms of my past, where I sat alone in defeated, foggy corners, now shine with clarity.
It’s not the unknown of what this untouchable room will offer that scares me; it’s the fear that this is yet another delusion. That this space wasn’t meant to be shared.
I will no longer let the spiders of life hold me back. I will not give up. I will rip through the webs, but I’m waiting for the tornado to brew.
I believe it will.
Love
With the death of pity and victimization, which was killed from my beginning, I take ownership for the moments in life that have triggered a spiral of uncontrollable instability. I trust easily, and I’m stubborn about the belief that my intuition is true and should be trusted. I love deeply, and I’m confident about the belief that my feelings are true and should be returned.
I suppose I have a sense of narcissism about the belief that the person I choose to give my heart to would be the luckiest, and that I deserve reciprocation of such love. I suppose these beliefs stem from my skewed idea of love that was inspired by my first love: a saga that encompassed an overwhelming spectrum of emotions, and as a vulnerable and impressionable teenager, defined my expectations of all future loves.
I’m waiting for my life story of love, loss and heartache to come full-circle and wash over me with peace and satisfaction, with a lasting love that is both ordinary and extraordinary. I will not search in desperation. I will not settle. I will not lose hope.
Wonderful people are falling into my lap rapidly, as I exude positivity and acceptance and maintain an open mentality of curiosity without judgment, as well as the kind and cautious idea that we all possess some form of goodness. The options are expanding, but I’m also aware that I can’t assume I have choices.
I will search for reciprocity. I will settle for nothing less than a best friend and a connection that forever continues to bring colour to my face and racing beats to my heart. I will lose myself to passion and daydreams. I will wait.
But where is he? Where is my last love?
Fulfillment
As I dig deeper and deeper, I continue to uncover the root causes of my core issues. As I dive inward towards the nucleus of my mind, where electricity once shocked me into pain, numbness and a tortured ghost that had lost the ability to remain grounded, I now firmly hold onto a strong and steady body.
Once weak, withering and with uncontrollable and debilitating tremors, I now fully embody a strict regimen of health, fitness and self-care that has brought me strength, structure, accountability and a fulfillment that comes easily.
Life shouldn’t always be a battle that brings us to our knees, where we feel the need to cry out and pray for help and freedom. I surrender and live life with ease. I’m content, and I’m buried in hope, inspiration and a love that’s heavy with the passion I locked in a box deep within me, a box that even Pandora can’t crack open.
With patience, dedication and hard work, I have hopes that the time will come when I shovel out and unbury this box, and release my work and knowledge to share with the world. Or, at least, I’ll try to dig deeper and deeper, where my box will then be sharply struck by a magnetic metal that clinks with the luck of life, like a bracelet full of charms.
I will carefully clasp this delicate chain around my wrist, where symbols of hope and dreams dangle with grace.
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