When it comes to being able to grow in a relationship, I find that the research from Dr. John Gottmann is always worth looking into. He’s a renowned psychologist who specializes in relationship-based conflict resolution.
I find that his theory of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse to be very interesting period he says that there are four things that lead to the end of a relationship, contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
Through his readings, I've learned to take these destructive behaviors and replace them with more positive behaviors. These can include things like great communication, taking responsibility, respect, and appreciating your partner. I also find his teachings to be very enlightening because he focuses heavily on emotional intelligence.
For my own personal relationships, I can say that having emotional intelligence and being emotionally connected with a partner is perhaps one of the most important things of all. I've had a few relationships and due to any one of those pillars as described in his theory about the four horsemen.
Tell me, do any of you have experience with your relationships ending because of issues like criticism and contempt?
ALMOST!
I wrote about that in THE MINDFUL WORD some years back.
My wife and I had done a Gottman workshop, not "live" but at home and I think with videos.
Certain problems persisted. To a certain degree, it was just enduring, as well as both of us really WANTING the best, that got us through.
I'll put the links of the article I wrote, which I think tells the whole story,
and also the article in TMW that is mentioned in my article, which seems to have been helpful in getting us to a better place. (Now, though of course we still have our little hassles, my wife and I are incredibly grateful for our marriage and the home & "container" it provides, the home base and refuge we share. That article was about the concept of AMBIVALENCE, and how it is ok to feel that way, ambivalent, until something else breaks through...which happened, not too long after I read that article.
1) MY ARTICLE...only appeared 6 1/2 years ago...feels much longer ago
https://www.themindfulword.org/stories-living-transformation-marriage/
2) THE HELPFUL ARTICLE ABOUT AMBIVALENCE:
https://www.themindfulword.org/living-authentically-ambivalence-energy/
Interesting stuff. I'd never heard of Gottmann, but I'll have to check it out. His four horsemen theory sounds spot on just based on the high level you had written.
Max, beautiful story! You do a really good job laying out the ups and downs of your relationship in a way that can be learned from. I'm glad you stuck around and toughed it out! I'm also glad that that article was helpful to you. It's a good one!
I don't know much about John Gottman, but I've heard of him a bit. He sounds like a good psychologist to read, though. While I don't have any specific experience to share on this topic, I find that sometimes I've struggled in relationships and friendships due to being too sensitive to criticism. This is improving as I age, I believe. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your story with us again, Max.
Thanks for sharing this, Fabian! I haven't heard of these four horsemen before but they are very interesting. I think they're something to keep in mind in all relationships - not only romantic. We should also try to refrain from contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness with our family, friends, and coworkers. To take it a step further, why not be mindful of the extent that we show criticism or contempt for people behind their backs? I always think back to one of Jesus' teachings from the Gospel of Matthew 5:27-28: “You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery. ' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Similarly, when we criticize or express contempt for people in their absence, perhaps this is just as toxic as doing it directly to them.
@lucas-coia I completely agree, Lucas. It is difficult to stop criticizing people when they're not around (even to oneself sometimes), but it's best avoided if we want positive relationships with as many people as possible. I'm not always successful with this but sometimes when I feel negative thoughts about someone I'll do a loving-kindness meditation about them, even if only to remove the hampering toxicity from my own brain.
