Six months ago, I was so depressed that there were days I would sob endlessly. I was pissed, frustrated, down in the dumps, and felt so unsupported by the Universe, it was starting to scare me. I’ve always been an “everything happens for a reason” type of gal. But the reasons why many parts of my life felt stuck, stagnant and downright awful were lost on me.
I couldn’t find the answers—they kept playing hide-and-seek when I was in no mood for games. I wasn’t myself. I could tell family and friends were concerned about me, which did nothing but depress me further. I felt the pressure of them needing me to be “happy” so that they felt better.
I wasn’t happy. Happiness was nowhere near my zip code. I was deeply defeated and depleted.
Joy?
On one particularly awful day, I took a drive. I ended up at a park in my neighbourhood, parked behind a car with a license plate that said, “Your joy.” How ironic. I sat and sobbed, while reading the plate over and over.
Joy? I hadn’t felt joy in years. I realized that I had been in survival mode and hadn’t come out of that. I also had a lot of self-judgment about feeling so lost. By this age, I should have my life figured out, right? What does that even mean, anyway? I felt so sad, I could hardly breathe.
I’m a spiritual person. I do trust in a higher path, a higher intelligence and a sense of connection with something that I can’t quite explain. It’s one of the only parts of my life that has brought me true peace, when all other things have faltered. But even that was starting to feel far from me. I was becoming distrustful of it.
I had been the good girl. I had followed the rules, done my part, worked hard and hadn’t hurt anyone. When was it my time? When was my life going to start to find a flow?
During this time, I would usually wake up most nights, around 1 a.m., and not fall asleep again until after 3 a.m. I would toss and turn, flip-flopping between anger, hurt, sadness and frustration. I didn’t know why I was going through this. Why was the Universe being so annoying? What did it want from me? I had done everything I had been asked to do! Throw me a bone here.
The Universe threw me a bone
And the Universe did. It threw me a big one.
What if my life sucked, not because I hadn’t worked hard or had the right opportunities, but because I was simply too chicken to ask for more?
More of what? More of everything.
I sat awake, stunned. The Law of Attraction had truly been showing up in my life. I felt like shit, and my life was and looked like shit. Even with everything I had gone through, survived and figured out, I had never valued myself enough to ask for more. I went back to my spiritual roots.
I got down deep and asked what I truly wanted now. What did I want my life to look like? What was I not giving myself? How was I not cheering for and supporting myself? Why did I feel restless, weepy and vulnerable?
I allowed answers to come up, and for some conditioning to be broken. I got brave. I made lists. I started practicing what I preach. Really practicing it. And it started working. The more I allowed myself to feel good, even about the smallest things, the more good things would naturally come in.
I also became extremely aware of when I started to control, force or push energetically. I noticed when my conditioned self felt threatened and then began to negotiate for how things ‘should’ look, versus how they looked.
I noticed the stress cycle this would induce, and learned how to talk to myself and bring my own energy back—my own sense of incremental movement forward that allowed me to feel good and reset the vibration I was giving off. I learned (and am still learning) how to allow and surrender. It’s simple, yet not easy.
The simple part is choosing to look at things differently. The not-easy part is staying with it and doing it even when the triggers feel way too big to overcome or even allow in.
I kept asking for more
I stopped being afraid of needing some sort of invisible permission and of being punished when I got the thing I wanted. I started understanding that it isn’t about what you’ve done—it’s about how good you’re feeling.
Life is forever shifting and changing, and because of this, we will need and want new and different things.
As Abraham-Hicks says, “Life will always force you to ask for more.” Life is forever shifting and changing, and because of this, we will need and want new and different things. It’s safe to want more. It’s safe to ask for more.
My life looks completely different than it did six months ago, and mostly, I mean the inside of me. Yes, there have been wonderful manifestations and great opportunities that have been presented to me, and I am enjoying it so much. But the real shift has been inside. I do feel more self-love, self-forgiveness, self-approval and self-acceptance. I feel better and I feel good.
And the more I ask for—more help, more support, more work, more love, more possibilities, more answers—I get it because I asked.
I read something a while back that said we often feel a sense of restlessness in our lives because we know we are capable of more than we are doing or asking for. We are not living up to our potential and it is presenting itself as an energy of dissatisfaction and angst. I know this all too well, and couldn’t live like that any longer.
That’s when I decided to start asking for more.
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image 1 Ulrike Mai from Pixabay 2 image by 2211438 from Pixabay 3 image by Manfred Richter from Pixabay
