A toolbox is one of those useful things we all have around somewhere. I remember both my grandfathers doing the most amazing things with the stuff that came out of those little metal boxes. With these items, they were able to fix anything in their lives, it seemed, as long as they had their toolboxes.
As an adult, I realize that I have a lot of specialty toolboxes for house repair, the car, sewing, weaving, jewellery making, etc. Just like them, I can fix pretty much anything with my toolbox.
My most important toolbox is my spiritual toolbox. In it, I keep all the things I need to cope, heal and process through trauma in my life. What’s in it, you ask? Concentration, will, attention, respect, self-love, affirmations, Karuna Reiki, tapping and a lot more. All the things I need to make and keep myself a whole, functioning person who loves everything unconditionally.
I admit, it has not always been this way for me, and it was not so many years ago that I would have told you a life filled with light and love was not possible for someone like me.
Let me tell you about my journey
I had a rough childhood; I went to 14 different schools, including three different high schools. My parents were not the best role models to have, though I am sure they were doing the best they could.
When I turned 17 years old, I enrolled in the Air Force. The reason is that I wanted to get away from home and did not know how to drive a car, had never held down a job and did not have a way to go to college. So off I went into the Air Force, thinking it would be like summer camp or something. By the way, I hated summer camp, lasted a day or two before I begged to come home. I was better suited towards the military, or at least I hoped so.
As it turned out, I was not better suited at protecting myself and judging others’ intentions. Twice, I got myself into situations where I was raped multiple times. I then married the first man whom I thought could protect me, because it was obvious I could not. I promptly got pregnant and discharged from the military.
My husband divorced me after not speaking to me for a couple of years, and my parents sued for custody of my beautiful daughter. They were scared I was going to harm her with my outbursts of rage and anger. I had trouble keeping a job and a roof over my head. This went on until I met my second husband, Tony; he paid for a lawyer, and we fought for my daughter. I lost and gave up my rights. We got married shortly after, and would stay married one month shy of 20 years.
He did his best to make things good for me. I remember him giving me safe rooms to hide in and making sure I was never alone in crowds. Everything in our life was meticulously planned so that I did not have to deal with stress and triggers that would set me off. That did not stop the vicious cycle of fighting, almost divorce, fixing the problem, happy for a little bit and repeat, approximately every three years.
After year 15, it became more and more frequent. Not until after we had been divorced a few years would I realize how much of it I could have resolved if I had simply had a spiritual toolbox.
Building my toolbox
After my divorce, I started building this toolbox, though I would not recognize it as such for at least a year. I started working on trying to figure out how to be happy and to love myself. It was hard, and I tried any self-help information that came along.
I came across Louise Hay and learned about affirmations; how, if they are employed correctly, they can change your entire being. I really did not believe that this could actually work; ‘it seemed too simple.’ I was listening to an audiobook of hers, and as soon as those words crossed my mind, she said, “I know you don’t think this could really work, because it is too simple. Simple is always best. Try it.”
So, I did. For 30 days, I tried affirmations. I said them over and over daily. I played them in the background 24/7 at home, in the car, on my phone. Anywhere I went, you heard them, and people asked over and over if I really thought it was going to work. I just said, “I don’t know, but I hope so.” Then the answer changed to “I think so, why not?”
Then, one day, I shocked myself by saying something completely out of character at work, and my boss, as well as everyone around, stared at me. When I asked what was wrong, they said, “Wow, we never thought we would hear you say that and mean it.” Affirmations were the first thing that I put in my spiritual toolbox.
Working through issues
At about the same time, I discovered the School of Metaphysics in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and decided to check them out. I remember meeting Wendy and her son, Alex, who were there that night; it was the night that changed my life forever.
I told them I would not be able to take classes unless they were on Monday through Thursday, day or evening, with nothing on weekends, as I worked on weekends.
The next week, they called me and invited me to a Monday night class. I thought wow, the universe really gives you what you asked for. During cycle one, I developed lots of tools for my toolbox: will, concentration, meditation, affirmations, visualization, love and divine friendship, just to name a few.
One of the things I learned was how to work through issues and reactions to get at the core or trigger of an event, in order to heal it and bring about permanent change. I did find that once I worked through things, I had no problems letting them go completely and moving on to a new way of thinking that was more productive.
By the end of cycle one, I reduced the timeframe for processing events from a month to minutes. There were still a few things that tripped me up and took longer, but not many. I also learned that it was OK to seek help from outside of myself to process these items.
My toolbox was overflowing with helpful tools that I used to make my life better than I could have dreamed.
The lockdown crisis
After I had been in cycle two for a while, the lockdown hit. I found myself in a world of hurt, like so many others. My business doors closed on both of my businesses, never to reopen, and I was left wondering what to do at 52 years old, with no income, bills overdue and alone with no idea of when and if that was going to change anytime soon.
I was left wondering what to do at 52 years old, with no income, bills overdue and alone, with no idea of when and if that was going to change.
Instead of falling into fear, as had been my old pattern, I sent up a grateful prayer asking for guidance. It came in spades; my teacher reminded me that the College of Metaphysics offered an immersion program for a year. I considered this, but what about my house, bills and everything else that makes up our lives? I went back to what I had learned from the School of Metaphysics and used my in-harmony list, and analyzed my life—the good, the bad and the ugly.
I decided what I did and didn’t like, and the moment that everything became clear in my mind, I was amazed at how quickly the next stage came about. My hobby farm sold simply by me saying on Facebook, “Bring me a cash offer, I am putting my house on the market Tuesday.” Someone literally showed up with a cash offer Saturday, and paid with hundred-dollar bills.
My two vehicles and everything else sold just as quickly, and for the exact amount I was asking for. I applied to the College for their immersion program, and started on July 25, 2020. This is amazing in itself, as I started the process in April 2020.
A different level of healing
When I moved up here, I really thought that I was totally prepared for being here. I was wrong; it was like starting all over again. My reactions were over-the-top and lasted weeks, just like in the beginning, and they were about the same things I had always had problems with. It took me a while to realize that it was the same, yet different. There was a different level of healing going on.
Now that I have been here a year, I have moved beyond the point of even needing a couple of minutes to move through reactions. I simply see the reaction coming and change it in the moment. Recognizing the reaction is not the whole solution; simply forgiving and allowing is. The state of neutrality is best. That is not to say that situations don’t still trip me up; they are just fewer and farther between.
As I am writing this, I realize just how important and amazing my spiritual toolbox is to me. How many things I have been able to do, simply because I was willing to take the time to value myself and develop tools to help me live my best life.
No longer am I that child and woman that I wrote about earlier. Sure, her facts are my facts; however, I am so much more now. I consider myself to now be a whole, fully functioning woman who has processed so much of her past trauma that it allows her to live in heaven on Earth.
Being at the College this past year has helped me take another step towards becoming my true self. I am finally starting to look at all the trauma and hurt that happened to me in the military, and I look forward to finding out what type of woman I will become by being willing to look at that part of myself with all the tools in my spiritual toolbox.
As I react, process, heal and come out on the other side, I am sure it will be like before. It will start slowly as I move through it, and get to the point of being just a blip on the radar, until finally, I am at the point that I just love myself more completely and unconditionally than I did yesterday.
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