I’ve lived for three decades now; I find that fact extraordinary. It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that I walked across the stage at my high school graduation, perfectly poised for success, feeling like a grown-up and grateful that my worst, most awkward years were behind me.
At 31 years old, in many ways, I feel like I just arrived, like a babe, with so much left to learn. In other ways, I feel like I’ve lived a full and complex life. I recently had an incredible conversation with a 22-year-old about how thrilled I was when I turned 30. She didn’t understand, and even the thought of someday turning 30 herself was too much for her to bear. It feels like my thirties will be the grand performance of my life, while my twenties were the dress rehearsal.
Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now, calls the twenties the most critical period in adulthood, a time when we’re primed for growth and change, a period of experiences that in many ways influence the adult lives we’ll lead. My twenties were all these things and more. I learned a thousand lessons in that decade, with the following 10 being the most critical ones.
We teach others how to treat us
In my interactions with those I encountered in my twenties, I was often the woman who demanded very little and got very little. Once I became the woman who set the standard for the treatment I deserve, I taught others how to treat me.
I realized that what I accepted from others reflected how I felt about myself. Beginning to see myself as worthy and deserving of the best, and refusing to settle for less from anyone who desired to be a part of my life, was a life-changer for me. The ones who didn’t belong in my life pruned themselves, and the ones who belonged drew closer to me.
Everything is temporary
My twenties taught me to value every experience, no matter how painful, because everything is temporary: the good, the bad and the indifferent. In my twenties, I found myself in many unbearable circumstances, circumstances that almost devoured me. The one commonality among all these distressing experiences is that they all ended.
This lesson taught me to focus on solutions, rather than problems. It taught me to think outside the box and to be a creative problem-solver. This life lesson taught me to believe in my capacity to change anything in my life that I didn’t like, and to create the life I desired.
Happiness is a choice
I spent a considerable part of my twenties believing that the next relationship or the next job would give me the happiness I yearned for. I never got lasting happiness from anything or anyone until I decided I was going to be happy, regardless of my circumstances. I decided that each day, I would find something to be grateful for, and that’s what caused a shift in my life.
I learned to be equally content and joyful with little, as I am with much. I learned that no situation is always ideal, and that having it “all” is subjective—wholly dependent on my perspective. I learned that waking up each day with gratitude is the only way to truly “Have a great day.”
The answers I seek are within me
My early twenties taught me the importance of trusting my inner voice. After years of not listening to my gut and suffering tremendously because of it, I learned that every important decision requires careful consultation with myself, and that within me lies the power to make good decisions.
Starting to trust that sometimes-nagging voice within stopped me from moving forward with anything that caused me internal dis-ease. Over time, I learned that this was my body’s way of responding to what I already knew deep inside: that whatever I was about to do didn’t serve my higher purpose.
It’s OK to break up with friends
As I developed in my twenties, I learned that not every person who was a part of my present had a place in my future. Not every friendship will last forever. Some people are only with us momentarily, to teach us the lessons we need to learn from them. As I grew and changed, some friends didn’t fit well with the woman I was becoming.
I needed friends who added value to my life, friends whose visions aligned with mine and friends from whom I could learn. To be a better me required that I minimize and even eliminate communication with friends who wreaked of negative energy, and anyone who didn’t support my vision of becoming better than I was.
I can’t always fix people’s problems
I’ve always had “chronic heroine syndrome.” Once someone I cared for mentioned that they had a problem, I went into superhero mode almost immediately. I tried to figure out their problems for them, often to my own detriment.
As I got older, I realized that the same persons always seemed to need my help, even with matters that they probably could figure out themselves, if I let them. As I began to see the toll this destructive habit was taking on me, and allowed those I cared about to take over the driver’s seats of their lives, they grew stronger, wiser and more confident in their abilities to fix their problems.
I was happier, too cheering them on from a passenger seat.
I can choose peace in all situations
I’ve lived some experiences that challenged my inner strength, experiences that would’ve led to depression, had I not learned how to choose peace in all situations. As I navigated my twenties, which included a barrage of painful experiences and uneventful situations, I learned that no one and no circumstance could touch my inner peace without my permission. This mindset taught me to focus on the good, to make the best of everything and be patient while in the valley.
My life is a reflection of my choices
In my twenties, like many others, I made some terrible choices. The difference between the typical twenty-something and me is that my bad choices had consequences that were more permanent. As I approached my mid-twenties, I hit rock bottom, where I realized that the only way towards a better life was to make better choices. I learned that my ‘act first, deal with the consequences later’ way of life was destroying me.
I had a habit of making decisions that were only in the best interests of the other people involved. I put myself last throughout a lot of my decision-making, and I suffered greatly for it, as I thought that it was selfish to think about me. My life became better when I learned that it was OK to put myself first sometimes, and to make decisions that were in my own best interest.
I cannot lose God’s love
I spent most of my early twenties getting mad at myself every time I believed I’d disappointed God, which led to low self-worth. I spent so many years in fear of God that I hid from Him whenever I’d done something wrong or made a poor decision.
When I took the time to get to know God for myself, though, I realized that the God I feared was the God I was taught about as a child. Through Bible study, prayer and meditation, I developed my own relationship with God, and came to know His unchanging love on a much deeper level. This unchanging love freed me to be human, and also taught me that His love was greater than my mistakes, so it couldn’t be lost.
It’s OK to start over
I’ve had to start over many more times than I wanted to. Sometimes starting with a blank slate is the best way to achieve the outcome you desire. I spent much of my twenties trying not to mess up, but I ended up creating even bigger messes. Once I realized that starting over wasn’t a death sentence, it freed me to take risks. Many of these risks paid off, and I’m now reaping the rewards of those choices in my thirties.
A revolutionary period in my life
My twenties were a revolutionary period in my life, a period that changed me for the better. I’m finally the woman I want to be, and I am grateful for all the lessons, painful and otherwise, that I learned in my twenties.
My twenties challenged me the most of any decade I’d lived before, and shaped me into who I am today. Those years taught me every lesson I needed to live the life I’ve always dreamed of, and to be a successful, fully-functioning adult in my thirties.
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