Emotions are a stunning expression of our energy, the “vibe” we give off. We register these with intuition. Some people feel good to be around; they improve your mood and vitality. Others are draining; you instinctively want to get away.
This “subtle energy” can be felt inches or feet from the body, though itās invisible. Indigenous cultures honour this energy as life force. In Chinese medicine itās called chi, a vitality thatās essential to health. Though the molecular structure of subtle energy isnāt fully defined, scientists have measured increased photon emissions and electromagnetic readings about healers who emit it during their work.
Emotional energy is contagious. It can make the difference between a toxic and healthy relationship. Itās crucial to get a clear read on this aspect of anyone you plan to regularly interact with. Then, you can decide whether a relationship is feasible based on your energetic compatibility.
In my medical practice and life, this chemistry is a deal breaker. Experience has taught me that itās pointless to work with a patient or form a friendship if such basic rapport isnāt there. You donāt have to force a fit when the energy feels right.
Forcing anything is simply the mindās attempt to interfere with flow. Of course, we all have quirks, anxieties, and fears, but energy cements your bond with others and motivates you to work through the rough spots. Nevertheless, healthy relationships have a momentum that carries them, a surrender that feels more natural when youāre both in sync.
When reading emotions, realize that what others say or how they appear frequently donāt match their energy. You must let go of the notion that what you see is what you always get.
As a psychiatrist, Iāve observed how people go to great lengths, purposely or not, to appear in certain waysāeither to impress, say the right thing, or sell you on somethingābut this “self” isnāt aligned with their true emotions.
Consider these examples: your spouse apologizes for blowing up but her hostility still lingers. A man you just met tries to charm you, but you donāt feel much heart there. A friend seems cheerful but you sense that sheās hurting inside. Realize: just because people smile doesnāt mean theyāre happy. Or just because people are reserved, doesnāt mean theyāre not ecstatic.
Ultimately, the energy transmitted by someoneās smile and presence tells the truth about where they’re at. So, be smart enough to correlate a personās energy with their emotions. Most people arenāt being intentionally misleadingāoften they donāt know what they feel or project. They might tell you one thingāand believe itābut youāll learn to decode their emotions.
Here, the surrender to focus on is saying “yes” to the messages your body sends. Your mind may want to talk you out of your bodyās wisdom. Donāt allow it to. Reading energy lets you attune to how you relate to people, who you feel comfortable around and who you donāt. To avoid bad relationships and regrets, you must let go of trying to convince yourself of anything the bodyās intuition doesnāt affirm.
To help with this surrender, hereās what to do. When identifying how you energetically respond to others always ask, How does my body feel? Does my energy go up or down? Then follow your bodyās lead rather than resisting it.
In practical terms this means: you want to marry someone who increases your energy not drains it, regardless of how perfect he or she looks on paper. You want to sit beside a coworker who has positive energy, not negative energy. You want to choose friends you resonate with so that you can nurture each other. Then notice the positive difference in your life. To experience the pleasure of compatible relationships, use the following tips.
How to read energy: 5 powerful strategies
Sense peopleās presence
This is the overall energy we emit, not necessarily congruent with words or behaviour. Itās the emotional atmosphere surrounding us like a rain cloud or the sun. For instance, they may give off an aura of mystery, joy, or sadness. To compare extremes, think of the Dalai Lamaās light, compassionate presence versus Charles Mansonās deranged darkness.
Presence is also associated with charisma, a personal magnetism that youāre drawn to. Warning: charisma doesnāt always contain heart, something to beware of. Charisma without heart canāt be trusted. Itās a dangerous combination present in many con artists and seducers.
As you read people notice: does their overall energy feel warm? Calming? Uplifting? Invigorating like a breath of fresh air? Or is it draining? Cold? Detached? Angry? Jarring? Depressed? Do they have a friendly presence that attracts you? Or are you getting the willies, making you back off.
Also see if people look anchored in their bodies, indicating their feet are firmly planted on the ground. Or are they floating outside themselves, which may indicate flakiness and distractibility?
Watch peopleās eyes
We can make love or hate with our eyes. Our eyes transmit powerful energies, what the Sufi poet Rumi calls “the glance.” Just as the brain has an electromagnetic signal extending beyond the body, studies indicate that the eyes project this too.
In fact, research reveals that people can sense when theyāre being stared at, even when no one is in sightāan experience reported by police officers, soldiers and hunters. Indigenous cultures respect the energy of people’s eyes. Some believe that the “evil eye” is a gaze that inflicts injury or bad luck on its target. Also, science has documented “the look of love.”
Joining eyes with a loved one (or dog!) triggers a biochemical response, releasing oxytocin, the warm and fuzzy “love hormone.” The more oxytocin your brain has, the more trusting and peaceful youāll feel.
Take time to observe peopleās eyes. Are they caring? Sexy? Tranquil? Mean? Angry? The way others look at you can make you feel adored or afraid. Also determine: is there someone at home in their eyes, indicating a capacity for intimacy? Or do they seem to be guarded or hiding?
Certain peopleās eyes can be hypnotic. Avoid looking deeply into eyes you distrust or sense may be dangerous. The less you engage negative people, the less theyāll zone in on you. On the other hand, feel free to fall into peopleās eyes who you cherish. Enjoy all that beautiful energy!
Notice the feel of a handshake, hug and touch
We share emotional energy through physical contact much like an electrical current. Ask yourself, Does a handshake or hug feel comfortable, warm, confident? Or is it off-putting so you want to withdraw? Are peopleās hands clammy, signaling anxiety. Or limp, suggesting being non-committal and timid? Is their grip too strong, even crushing your fingers, indicating aggression or over control?
Along with physical cues, the energy of touch reveals peopleās emotions. Some hugs and handshakes impart kindness, joy, and calm whereas others feel clingy, draining, even hostile. Therefore, spend time with people whose energy you like.
Be wary of those you donāt so youāre not depleted. Avoid physical contact (including making love) with anyone whose energy doesnāt feel good.
Listen for peopleās tone of voice and laugh
The tone and volume of our voice can tell much about our emotions. Sound frequencies create vibrations. Some frequencies we hear. Below an audible range, sound can be felt (think of a bass’ vibration.)
When reading people, notice how their tone of voice affects you. Words ride the energy of tone, its warmth and coldness. Ask yourself: Does their tone feel soothing? Or is it abrasive, snippy, or whiny?
Are they a soft-talker or mumbler whom you can barely hear, signs of meekness or low self-esteem? Or do they talk too loud or too much, signs of anxiety, narcissism, or insensitivity. Are they fast-talkers, trying to sell you something? Or boring you to death with a slow monotone, suggesting depression and no spontaneity?
Be aware of sighing which relays sadness or frustration. Also, a pinched voice suggests emotional repression, over control, or a thyroid disorder.
Always observe how much people laugh, a sign of lightheartedness. Does their laugh sound genuine? Fake? Child-like? Joyous? Or are they overly serious, rarely laughing? In addition, FBI profilers interpret a quivering voice and sudden change in pitch as potential signs of deception.
Sense peopleās heart energy
The most important aspect to read about energy is whether people exude a sense of heart. This is the loving-kindness in us, our capacity for empathy, giving and connection.
When heart is present youāll feel the warmth of unconditional love emanating from others which makes you feel safe and at ease. Itās the unspoken sense of being accepted, not judged. No one can fake this.
Our heart presence builds through our good intentions, deeds and emotional work to overcome fear and negativity. The heart is the most positive quality anyone can have. Itās healthy to be drawn to it.
Reading energy is a game-changer where intense emotions blur your clarity. It enables you to see past fantasies or desires to pinpoint someoneās motivations by sensing invisible messages they give off.
I was once attracted to a man, a successful financial manager who knew exactly what to say to melt my heart. Todd was from the country club set and much too conservative for my tasteāI often fall for wild, creative men. Yet he was smart, boyishly playful, seemed to “see” me and respect my sensitivities. We could discuss anything from politics to the nature of the universe and heād speak to me in an appreciative low tone of voice I melted around (Iām very responsive to sound).
Still, from the start, when I looked into Toddās eyes, I had the oddest feelingāthere was no “there” there. His eyes seemed cold, vacant, even a touch mean. However, for better or worse, I was drawn to him, which doesnāt happen to me every day.
I really wanted to surrender to my romantic feelings for Todd, to explain away the niggling truth his eyes conveyed, though I knew I ignored this red flag at my own peril. But, as the desiring mind can do when it wants something, it downplayed intuition. I rationalized, “Youāre just too picky. Todd is wonderful. Itās crazy to let his eyes stop me.” My friends also told me this, and I agreed. So, for a year, I stayed in the relationship. But in the end, this manās eyes revealed his true colours.
The problem was that Todd was a super-smooth operator and my raging hormones were blinding me. Also, I was naĆÆve. I confused his seductive energy with heartfelt caring and was horribly susceptible to the charisma he wielded so well. It was a perfect storm of forces I didnāt have a handle on. I needed to sort them through before I could read him from a neutral place which at that time was light years away.
A policy of mine is to study what makes me weak or strong, so I can learn from it. If something knocks me off my centre I want to know why and not repeat the situation. To break Toddās spell, I had to grasp that what excited him most was not to love me but to have power over me. I just couldnāt grasp how he or anyone could feel that way. Heād reel me in with gorgeous intimacy, then be unavailable. Or heād be incredibly sensitive, then incredibly cold. I kept wracking my brains, “What could he possibly be getting from this.”
Slowly, I came to understand that he got off on the rush of being in control. For him, it was an aphrodisiac. I didnāt operate like this, nor had that been a dynamic in my past relationships. But, thanks to Todd, I can recognize it now.
In retrospect, Iām grateful to have learned this lesson about power versus love from a perfect teacher. Also, I realized that once again, Iād talked myself out of intuition in favour of passion. Iād surrendered to the wrong thing, to what I wanted, rather than what I “saw.” However, being human, sometimes I have to keep making the same mistakes until I finally learn. Today, I value the energy of the eyes more than ever. It communicates an essence in someone if we can trust this.
In your life, get used to reading peopleās emotions. Factor what you sense into your total assessment. Maybe just a single red flag will appear so youāre not sure what to do. Then, take your time. Watch how people treat you. Notice if their words back up their behaviour. The purpose of reading energy is to become more empathic by sensing the nuances of different personalities. Stay alert to the signals energy sends so that you can see the whole person.
This article was excerpted from Judith Orloff’s book The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success, and Well-Being. Copyright Ā© 2014 by Judith Orloff, MD. All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, New York, a Penguin Random House Company. Buy the book>>
Judith Orloff MD, assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, is the New York Times bestselling author of Emotional Freedom and a new book, The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success, and Well-Being (Random House, April 2014). Dr. Orloff teaches workshops nationwide, has given a TED talk on her new book, and has appeared on The Dr. Oz Show, Today, PBS, CNN, NPR, and many others.
featured image: Stuck in Customs; image 2 & 3 Depositphotos; image 4: Pixabay