When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
A word to the wise ain’t necessary—it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby
What’s another word for thesaurus? – Steven Wright
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Tallulah Bankhead
Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri Martin
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. – Michael Crichton
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward. – Kurt Vonnegut
Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like. – Lemony Snicket
We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we have only one. – Confucius
The objective of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives. – Robert Maynard Hutchins
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin
It is forbidden to kill; therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. – Voltaire
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. – Dennis Wholey
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. – John Ruskin
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else. – Gilbert K. Chesterton
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright
Read some more humorous quotes in DON’T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY: 25 funny inspirational quotes>>