Winnie-the-Pooh - Witty quotes

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

A word to the wise ain’t necessary—it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

What’s another word for thesaurus? – Steven Wright

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Tallulah Bankhead

Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri MartinCat and dog - Witty quotes

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. – Michael Crichton

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward. – Kurt Vonnegut

Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas AdamsMuskrat - Witty quotes

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like. – Lemony Snicket

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we have only one. – Confucius

The objective of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives. – Robert Maynard Hutchins

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

It is forbidden to kill; therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. – Voltaire

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. – Dennis WholeyBookstore - Witty quotes

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. – John Ruskin

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else. – Gilbert K. Chesterton

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright

Read some more humorous quotes in DON’T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY: 25 funny inspirational quotes>>