Skull - grieving process, death

REMEMBERING THE DEAD: How grieving helps and why traditions don’t change

Last updated: December 8th, 2018

Death comes to us all, and every culture has its own way of dealing with it. But despite the differences between our traditions and customs, grieving seems to play an important role in helping us get over our loss.

In the West, however, it’s becoming increasingly common for people to try to pull away or distance themselves from the reality of their grief. New psychological insights reveal that this is not a good thing and that grieving is important in dealing with the loss of a loved one.

These days, funerals are often downgraded, either to save money or simply because less importance is placed on traditions and customs. Grief specialists, however, are growing increasingly concerned that in doing this, we’re skipping an important stage in the grieving process that can cause emotional and psychological problems down the line.

Traditions that were once common practice, such as viewing the deceased before the funeral service, are now often avoided. Other small things, like replacing the word funeral with more subtle ones like “memorial service” or “celebration of life” may also be our way of avoiding the painful reality of death.

But by refusing to face our loss, we’re missing the chance to find closure by coming to terms with reality and moving on with our lives.

The Ifugao people, an indigenous tribe tucked away in the mountains of the Philippines, have an interesting set of burial traditions. Despite an ongoing effort by early settlers and Catholic and Protestant missionaries (and more recently, the government) to assimilate and convert them, their burial traditions have remained remarkably unchanged for over 2,000 years.

The Ifugao recognize eleven classes of deities with the most important being the ancestral spirits. Their belief in the spirits of the dead has influenced their burial traditions, and the body of a deceased person must be treated with the utmost respect.

The Ifugao recognize two types of death: natural and forced death. If a person has died of an unnatural cause, they may not be buried until special prayers have been read over the deceased. The prayers are said to help the deceased’s spirit to realize, understand and finally accept its death.

When the body is buried depends on the deceased’s social status. Common farmers are buried after just five days while a wealthy person will usually be buried only about 15 days after passing. During this time a number of ceremonies will be held.

One tradition of honouring the deceased involves dressing the body in fine clothes and carrying it from house to house where various feasts have been prepared. Each relative will try to outdo the other by making their feast grander than the last one.

Once the necessary ceremonies have been completed, the body will either be placed in a cave or in a specially constructed wooden house. After two to three years, the bones are removed from the cave or house and cleaned.

They are then wrapped in traditional Ifugao fabrics and placed in the home of the deceased’s relatives, where they will remain.

Another “burial” tradition involves wrapping the deceased’s body in a cloth and hanging it from a tree, where it’s left to decompose. Once reduced to a skeleton, the bones are cleaned and brought to the family’s hut.

The Ifugao’s grieving process is very much a shared affair within the family and community. Grief specialists believe that rather than keeping grief personal, as is so often the case in our society today, it’s important to join with loved ones and family to work through the grief together.

The lengthy “burial” traditions are likely the Ifugao’s way of coming to terms with the fact that their loved one is no longer with them. By the time the elaborate ceremonies have been carried out and body is placed in its cave or left to decompose elsewhere, the family and friends usually feel ready to accept the loss and move on.

Retrieving the bones at a later time and placing them in the family’s home helps the deceased to be remembered and honoured, even long after he or she has passed away. Part of the reason these traditions have remained so strong with the Ifugao is that they find comfort in their rituals when dealing with death.

Of course, the Ifugao’s belief in their ancestral spirits does play a role in why they choose to keep the remains in their homes, but it does show that keeping something to remember a loved one by can be comforting and helpful during the grieving process.

This is something that is also seen in the West, with people keeping a loved one’s possessions or even ashes long after they’ve passed. While it can be harmful to let the past weigh us down, confronting our loss head on by remembering and appreciating the fact that a person has lived and died, is the only way to find closure.

Naturally, there’s no need to retrieve your loved one’s bones from the grave or take part in similar rituals. While the Ifugao people’s superstitions do play a part in their grieving process, the superstitions themselves don’t matter.

The main lesson we can learn from them is that the issue of death is not something we should shy away from or try to block out of our minds. We all have different traditions when it comes to grieving, but the most important thing is to address our emotions rather than try to hide from them.

A closer look at any culture, even one as seemingly alien as that of the Ifugao, reveals that despite our many differences, we’re all quite similar and have many of the same emotional and psychological needs.

Further reading:

http://www.governing.com/columns/mgmt-insights/Grief-is-Good.html

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2011/07/why-feeling-grief-is-good-for-us/

http://www.hilaryhart.org/articles/grief-is-good.html 

[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Patrick Del Rosario is part of the team behind Open Colleges. It is one of Australia’s pioneer and leading providers of TAFE courses. When not working, Patrick enjoys blogging about career, business, and culture. Patrick is also a photography enthusiast and is currently running a photography studio in the Philippines. If you have a blog and would like to feature his works, you can find him on Google+.