I’ve been on a self-love healing journey for quite a while now. If I’m honest, it began when my oldest daughter, now 22, was diagnosed with a life-altering illness as she began high school.
I have always been strong, resilient, empathetic and able to handle anything. I had been enduring a miserable marriage for decades because my daughters were my priority, and I assumed, by staying, I was doing right by them. Never gave much thought to me. Even felt guilt for no longer loving their father. That flame had gone out many years before. I just didn’t see it, because I was too busy making everyone else feel safe and secure. Even him.
Carrying the burden of everything
After she was diagnosed, I threw myself into advocating for her and learning everything I could about her illness. Being an empath is hard enough, with feeling what others feel and being labelled as over-sensitive much of the time. We lacked support from family, so I was essentially carrying the burden of everything on my shoulders to keep her and my younger daughters afloat.
To say it wasn’t easy was an understatement. As a mother, as well as an empath, I was lost and living in a fog. I was always stressed and afraid. I was alone. I felt broken.
I don’t even recall if, during those years, I took any time out for myself. My marriage was already broken, and there wasn’t any comfort there at all. He always stayed on the sidelines; I was indeed alone. I was also trying to manage a career in real estate, thinking the flexibility of running my own business would keep me present for the kids and allow me more free time. Nothing was further from the truth. I was a ball of stress and anger all the time.
I recently ended that career after a decade and am finally breathing again. I did take away some amazing life skills and solid friendships, created by clients I served. So, all was not a loss. Other than the fact that it had taken me a decade to learn I hated the job and wasn’t built for it. Again, our journey often takes us in a zigzag formation for a while, until we get to a point where we can no longer exist as we are. I got to that point, eventually.
2020: A trip—then COVID
Fast-forward to 2020. My daughter and I planned a big trip across Canada. We got all the medical approvals necessary for her to do so. I was terrified but excited that she would get to do this, as her illness had taken everything away from her from such a young age. She was not living any semblance of “normal.”
We headed to Vancouver. My place of birth. I hadn’t been back since my parents moved me here as a child. A lot of years had passed, but it had been my dream to return. My ex had never wanted to travel, so it seemed like I would always be doing it alone. I was so grateful my daughter was willing and able. We had the best time, and both saw ourselves grow into our best selves while we enjoyed the freedom this trip brought us.
For her, it was being a normal young adult, in a body that had never allowed her to do anything more than get out of bed and travel downstairs to play video games. And barely that, most days. For me, it was being alone, visiting a big city, and just doing whatever I wanted, alone. A precursor of sorts, to my current-day impending divorce.
I felt alive. I felt strong. My years of anxiety melted away. I did this. I made it happen. I felt this new surge of love for myself I had never felt in my life. And I’d accomplished some pretty cool things in my life, but never allowed myself the time to enjoy them or really see myself as the person who accomplished anything worthwhile.
Unfortunately for us, as we flew home, COVID was just beginning, and, quite literally, followed us from the West Coast to the East Coast. The world stopped in its tracks. We all shifted gears. But no one as much as me. It forced me to review every aspect of myself. I stripped myself down to my core.
Having just come off this life-altering amazing experience, exhilaration and joy, we now were trapped at home. I was lost. Depressed. As were my kids. And then everything began to fall apart. It felt like I was standing outside of myself, watching it break. But also, watching it come together. I had never experienced this feeling.
I ended my marriage
I felt done with everything that no longer served me, and I knew I wanted more. I wanted better for myself. I was unhappy at my core. And I learned I was the cause. We all are, we just don’t accept that. We expect others to make us happy, especially in relationships.
As scary as it would be to go it alone with three kids, including one burdened with illness, I had to make myself happy and be free.
My ex and I had lived that way since our first child was born. We were two unhappy people with one carrying the entire relationship past its point of expiry. We didn’t love one another, but we were still together. Roommates and friends mostly, co-parents. But I was doing all the work. And I had reached my limit.
I realized it was over. As scary as it would be to go it alone with three kids, including one burdened with illness, I had to make myself happy and be free. I deserved passion, lightness and freedom to love again. I deserved to feel desired and wanted. I was so worthy, and absolutely a priority worth making.
And I ended my marriage. We are currently managing the logistics of divorce, and while time-consuming, the new energy and freedom is amazing. The kids have adjusted, and seeing me come to life has boosted them. I had no idea how bad it was until I did this. I have been heavily focused on working on myself, my self-concept, my sense of worth, all of it, for over a year now.
I am now vegan and practice healthy living and daily exercise, and my body has changed completely. I am beyond happy—the hard work is paying off. I am new and alive in this now-awesome-to-me shell. I practice affirmations constantly and realize I didn’t even like myself, let alone love myself. I wallowed in feeling unworthy, undesired, unwanted and broken. I allowed my previous relationships to consume me and turn me into a victim.
As I say these affirmations now, I realize how amazing and powerful I truly am. I don’t need anyone to make me feel anything. I can do that. But now I can choose who or what I want to come into my space. I can love again because I am healing and truly love who I am, finally.
Self-forgiveness
The biggest area of growth I have worked on, and one that I had no idea I even needed to address, was self-forgiveness. I learned about this beautiful traditional Hawaiian prayer of forgiveness called the Ho’oponopono prayer. Basically, it is a mantra or prayer affirmation that, when said, helps you reflect on yourself and the areas of your life in which you are holding self-judgment, and helps you feel compassion for yourself.
You can find H’oponopono affirmations on YouTube or just Google it. I learned of it through a manifestation coach who has become a friend, and I have been practicing it for months.
When I started it, I felt weird. I laughed. I assumed it was silly. But as I listened to it, I would cry. Areas of my life began to unfold as areas I truly hated, parts of me that I hated and judged, hid from and accepted as truth, when in fact, they were not at all who I was.
As the months went on, after adding this to my toolbox of self-love practices, I saw a change in myself that softened me to my core. I began to see myself differently and beautifully, and I got excited. But the best feeling was that I truly no longer cared what others thought of me or my choices. And I am now feeling comfortable in my own skin. Scary life changes and all. This is now me.
I am grateful for my life, even the bad parts. I am happy and growing happier by the day. I am only doing what serves me now. And I think we can all agree that when we do put the focus on ourselves, we can then ultimately serve those we care about in the best way possible.
I challenge you to take a moment to look in the mirror, and if you flinch or cry, or can’t look, start focusing on why and begin to change it. Learn to love yourself by forgiving yourself. You will be amazed at what self-forgiveness does for you.
«RELATED READ» I’M SORRY AND I LOVE YOU: A practical interpretation of the Ho’oponopono way of forgiveness»
image 1 Simon Allen from Pixabay 2 image by Markus Winkler from Pixabay 3 image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay 4 image by Peter Dargatz from Pixabay
