A few months ago, a student asked, “Matthew, how do I stop hating myself?” I do my best to answer everything from a place of truth and heart. Sometimes, the answers come slower than others. This was one of those times. The more I meditated on it, the more I realized just how many people hate themselves beyond reason. It truly is the scourge of our existence.
This invented reality is so terribly ingrained in most humans, I wondered if there even was an answer. I am looked at and relied upon to give whatever natural answer I have as soon as it comes to me. This time, I was forced to contemplate the current environment of today’s world, with every screen making you feel “less than,” and where everyone seems to be valued if they are quick with a put-down.
On the surface, it appears to be an innocent question about one’s ability to cope with the elements around them. If you delve deeper, you can quickly see all the ramifications. For example, people don’t wake up in the morning with an instant hatred of other humans based on the type of melanin in their skin, without hating themselves first. It truly is a sad world when people use their self-hate to make themselves hate others more efficiently.
With all this pressing upon me, it seemed so important that I decided to sit with this question for more than a bit before even attempting an answer. What came was that before we can figure out how to stop hating ourselves, we have to figure out what coerced us to hate ourselves in the first place. I decided that in replying to her, the student, I would attempt to give somewhat of an answer to everyone who could be interested.
A fantasy ideal you have for yourself
Self-hate springs from the fact that you have placed an expectation on how you think you should be. Most often, this is based on some notion that others have the same expectations of you that you yourself have, and that any of it is valid. You go through life carrying the burden that you can’t match up with this fantasy ideal you have for yourself, and you end up unhappy and suffering.
This is not just insecurity about personal appearance. Patterns of thoughts, thought processes and all of the mind also come into play here. This isn’t natural.
When you were a baby, before the world and your parents taught you what they thought you should be, you were just happy. You could roll around naked in the middle of the front yard, covered in filth, with not even a hint of a self-conscious thought in your head. There were no thoughts of your lot in life, your financial situation, your race or whether or not you were attractive. Then the world, your family, friends, television and social media all went to work on you, and before you had a chance to stop, you were embroiled in self-hate.
While both sexes go through this, it appears to be brutally difficult for the female of our species. I see this, first and foremost, in the way people judge their appearance. Just about everyone I have ever met (if not everyone) is unhappy, deep down, with some aspect of their body. It never meets their ideal expectation of what they consider it should be.
Take it from me, this is one of the most incredibly dangerous of the desires. People feel like they can never trust themselves, because of the unhappiness that always follows them. It is a vicious cycle they think they can’t get out of. This lack of contentment and faulty desire leads people to do incredibly self-destructive and unhealthy things.
Now, add to that the fact that nearly everyone believes what their monkey mind tells them, so they pile a plethora of what they view as their own mental shortcomings on top of all of this. Magic! You have the perfect recipe for hating yourself. At least 90 percent of you reading this are nodding your heads up and down right now.
Be authentic
Now, how do we fix it? First of all, stop “shoulding” all over yourself. Just eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. Stop telling yourself that you “should” have perfect hair. “Should” have the perfect body. You “should” be “normal” and have normal thoughts. Stop telling yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel this and that way.
Make a conscious effort not to hide away. There is nothing wrong with you.
You did not come into existence in this world to grow and attempt to be like your parents, your friends or the people you see in movies or on television. None of these people are being real with you. It isn’t reality. It is their invented reality. Stop trying to run someone else’s race.
The reality is that all humans have invented the idea that within them are major and minor imperfections. No. There are just major and minor differences between humans. That is what makes this existence interesting.
Exist in this world as you are with no apologies. Not as you think people want you to be or how you have tricked yourself into thinking you should be, but as you really are. Make a conscious effort not to hide away. There is nothing wrong with you. As trite as it sounds, being authentic is the most incredible thing a person can do. Flaws and all.
Bare your soul. Allow yourself to truly feel. As soon as you give this thing a try, you will notice that you care less about what people think of you. In truth, very few of them do think of you, as they are embroiled in their own self-hate. Their thoughts and issues aren’t goals for you to achieve or problems for you to solve.
Focus on others
Stop trying to have a body that is beach-ready. The beach can get whatever body you choose to give it. This goes for everything mentally, as well. You have panic attacks? Oh, well. Have them. No shame. You suffer from depression? Get help and put it on your sleeve.
If someone judges you for these things, FANFRIGGINTASTIC! You need to know this about them so you can get rid of them. As the elevator goes up, people have to get off. If they aren’t an addition, they are a subtraction.
You can let go of all these old frustrations, because simply, they are yours to not hang onto. In reality, they aren’t even yours. They were handed to you by other sources and you claimed them as yours. Get rid of these expectations that your body or mind will ever be perfect in any other form than the one it is in—in your eyes or society’s. Just see it as it is.
Love it. Treat it with love. Learn to be healthier in the hopes of being able to live life with the intent of being accepting and happy. Notice the use of verbs in that sentence. Just be. Give yourself a break. If none of these gentle nudges ring true for you, then go with the ultimate solution to nearly every problem: Be kind and help others. If your focus isn’t on you, then it is very difficult to invent problems for yourself.
A message for parents
That being said, I want to add a special message here for parents. Everything I said here goes double for you. As adults, we find ourselves struggling with these issues. Your children see this and end up mimicking it with ghastly precision. They add to it like building blocks at an alarming rate. It is horrific to think about how much damage we do to ourselves. It is downright damning to think about how many times a child, whose mind isn’t as strong, will multiply it quickly into self-hate.
If nothing else, please realize these things for yourself in time, to find the compassion to teach them this truth before it eats them alive. Let young children develop without the heavy hand of oppression. I hope these words find you well and in some small way help.
There are a thousand more things I wanted to say. They would not improve upon my silence. Hopefully, this will be a good enough start. I love and am impressed with everyone I know. Please don’t be mean to you.
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