So This Is Love…
Do you know how it feels
to feel your heart blossom again,
to look at yourself and fall in love
with the flaws,
the imperfections
that have always seemed to be a burden?
To feel genuine peace
within yourself?
I have been showered again
not by someone else’s love,
but by someone’s admiration of my own love.
Rest, Dear One… So That I Can Walk in Your Walks
I should stop writing about you,
but you’ve given me so much wisdom;
you’ve given me power that I did not know I had.
I have found my fire
that ignites my demons,
that allows the ground I walk on to shake,
burying the flaws that you have created.
You gave me bruises. cuts. heartaches.
You gave me pain that went on for days,
pain that led to anger, rage, numbness.
You thought I was a fool
who would let you choose when my path stops.
But one day, when I rose to the sound of the birds, when the sun covered my room that was full of hurt—that day, I chose to forgive you, to give you a chance to rest, while I put all the strength I have built to work. To become the woman I dreamed about. The woman you thought I could never be.
This one is for you:
my ego.
Try Controlling It Next Time
How does one take control of their own mind when it has become free?
You cannot save something from the dark,
without a peek of light.
I am not here,
I am not aware of what my mind has told me to do.
My body flows with the rage that fills me with adrenaline.
My own screams drive me to let hell break loose;
I beg to be saved,
to feel hope that this can be stopped.
I know myself too well.
I couldn’t give a damn about the damage I’ve caused.
I walk away,
numbness taking over.
This is the end of the beginning,
the stage of reckless behaviour that thrills me.
You’d think I’d feel guilty,
worried,
upset.
That’s the beauty of it:
I am not here,
I do not feel.
Borderline personality disorder has given me a resiliency I didn’t know I had.
Mother
As a woman, where were you?
As a mother, where were you?
I came to you as a silenced victim.
I came to you with trust,
with hope
for my own safety and healing.
My story was too fearful for you.
Yet if that was my daughter,
I would have fought my worst nightmare
to make sure she didn’t have to wake up from any.
Yet here I am,
remembering every second of my trauma,
not knowing where you were.
She Was Always Whole
Our love will be something I will never forget.
It was indescribable.
Somewhere along the line,
I lost a sense of who I was without you,
and then I was without you.
I’ve been holding on to this hope,
this expectation for my future that I will relive that love again,
but I never want to feel that pain again.
And so, I am choosing to let go and let the universe decide for me.
My worth cannot be based on someone else,
nor can my beauty,
my love,
my kindness.
I must become whole again.
She Was Friends With Her Monsters
All I wanted
was you:
your love,
your care,
your affection,
your warmth.
But I didn’t realize
that after a while,
I was just there.
I felt as if
nothing was wanted from me.
It was the idea of what I could be that kept you.
How dare I let myself peek through
the walls that kept me safe?
I hid my true self:
my sharp tongue,
my numbness,
my ability to see you as an object,
because that was what I taught myself.
I taught myself to become a monster,
to be selfish
and look out only for me.
You broke that,
and now that monster is knocking outside,
waiting to come home
where she should be.
This heart is not capable of being loved.
Not now,
not ever.
«RELATED READ» POEMS BY BOB ROWE: Too Soon, Silly Things, Finding Home»
image: Pixabay
