Think back to recent conversations you’ve had. When people vent to you about their problems, what percentage of the time do you respond to them with advice?
For the last couple of years, I was giving advice almost 100 percent of the time I was confided in. It felt like the supportive and helpful thing to do, especially when my struggles were similar to those of the person I was talking to. I thought, if I had an idea of what could help, wasn’t sharing it the right thing to do?
Recently, though, when training to answer a crisis line, I was reminded by our volunteer trainer that unless someone asks you for it, giving advice isn’t really supportive—in fact, it’s invalidating and unhelpful.
4 reasons why giving advice isn’t supportive
- You can’t truly understand the nuances of other people’s problems without having lived their lives, so any advice derived from your own experience may not be as helpful or relevant as you assume.
- Every person has their own strengths and resources to access when dealing with life’s difficulties, so what works for you won’t necessarily be what works for them.
- If another person’s problems had crystal-clear solutions, they would’ve already solved the problems. Immediately offering advice sends the message that you don’t respect the complexity and difficulty of their situation.
- Most importantly: If someone doesn’t ask for advice after confiding in you, they’re looking for emotional support and validation instead, which offering unsolicited advice will sabotage.
If you want to help someone with their problems, but they haven’t directly asked you for advice, here’s what you should do instead of offering your two cents.
Mindful listening: A supportive technique
Being supportive is a skill that takes intention and attention to hone. I studied social work and facilitated mental health peer support groups during the COVID-19 pandemic, and back then, I knew very well not to give unsolicited advice. Even social workers don’t exactly give advice. Instead, they ask a lot of questions that uncover a client’s strengths and help them figure out how to utilize them.
For the rest of us who aren’t professionals, all we really need to do is listen instead of talk.
The volunteer trainer for the crisis line asked us how it felt to be given unsolicited advice. I responded immediately that it was annoying at best, but often hurtful. I knew that, yet I’d been giving out advice like candy on Halloween. Why?
I realized then that at some point, I’d gotten into the habit of thinking about my next response while my conversational partner was still talking, and it was often advice that I was formulating in my mind. I suspected that if I mindfully gave others my full attention when they spoke instead, I’d no longer have a problem with giving too much advice.
I told my fellow trainees about this realization, as well as my intention to listen mindfully from then on without getting caught up in formulating a response. A few volunteers agreed that they tended to think about their reply while speaking to another person. One said she did that because she wanted to sound smart, while another said that potentially not knowing what to say when the other person was finished speaking made him anxious.
The reality is that nobody cares about whether you sound smart, and they’re not judging you for thinking for a moment before speaking. What really impacts people positively—and makes them trust you and want to be around you—is feeling seen by you.
The person who asks a lot of questions and is genuinely interested in your answers is an incredibly likable one. They’re someone who makes you feel valued, heard and worthy of compassion. It’s a rare and healing experience when someone cares enough to ask lots of questions and is willing to sit with the emotions of the responses instead of trying to make things better. Yet, this is all it takes to be exponentially more supportive than the average person is.
Mindful listening is habitual
Since the pandemic, I moved away from social work and peer support and my listening muscle got weaker and weaker. So much of where our attention goes is habitual, and when I was reminded that I needed to be listening instead of advising, those dusty listening skills came back to me quickly and I’ve maintained them since.
Setting the intention not to give unsolicited advice and to listen with your full attention until others are done speaking will take you a long way towards being a more supportive person and living a wholly mindful life.
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