I am divorcing. After over 20 years married to the father of my three mostly grown daughters. I finally found myself—my soul—and ended it. I find it interesting that when I tell others what’s happened, there is instant sympathy. Phrases such as “Oh no, I am so sorry,” or “Oh no, are you OK?” are a regular thing when people find out.
I am quick to put their worries to rest by stating, “It’s the best thing, I promise you I am happier now.” To which I find the usual response is relief, somehow followed by confusion.
How can I be happy my marriage has ended?
Because it’s what is best for me. Someone had to pull the trigger, because the gun was loaded so long ago, it became too heavy to carry around anymore. I’ve heard people talk about abusive relationships or bad marriages finally breaking apart. But no one talks about the stagnant marriages like mine, where I finally learned, through couples’ counselling and years of my own therapy, that we really were over. I was no longer in love, nor had I been for so long, I could no longer remember what it felt like.
No one discusses how feeling undesired and unwanted plays such a huge role in a relationship dying. And it’s not always the man who leaves because of a lack of sex and intimacy. Often, it’s we, the women, who simply cannot bear one more second of it all, of never receiving what we want or need.
I grew up listening to the women in my family complain about having their partners “chase” them for affection and sex. But that was not at all my experience. That broke me in so many ways, it’s taken me this long to find my way back to feeling like I deserve it all. But I know that I do.
I had lost myself so long ago
Last summer, after yet another round of expensive counselling, it became crystal-clear to me how unhappy I was at my core. I had lost myself so long ago. I thought feeling this way was normal in a relationship. I was miserable and faking it, which is incredibly obvious to me every time I tell someone I know about the divorce. Because their reaction says it all. The shock.
Apparently, everyone assumed we were the “perfect couple.” Why? Because of time invested and three kids? Because we own a house together and looked the part? Yeah, that shit is easy. Time flies, not only when you’re having fun, but when you’re fucking miserable and playing a part.
And I am asking myself why I stayed so long. Well, the usual “we have three kids” comes to mind. I am half right. Many women falsely believe the kids’ lives will be ruined if Mom and Dad split up. The actual truth is that the kids suffer so much more when Mom and Dad can’t stand to be around each other. I also didn’t fully understand how my childhood beliefs about marriage affected my thoughts about myself, and more importantly, what I thought I deserved. So, I stayed.
It wasn’t until the pandemic, ironically, when I faced so many other fears and unknowns, that I realized, I can leave. I can find love again, even at this age. An age where I have lived the life many strive for. The wedding, a marriage, the house-buying and kid-having. I don’t regret it, though, because I have three amazing daughters who have become my whole world. They teach me every day that I must put myself first, and in doing so, I teach them they are valued and loved. Because they’re learning that self-love is what matters most.
I am at a wiser age now where I know what I want and what I don’t want. I know what I want in a man, and that I deserve everything that I want. I am worthy, I am deserving and I am amazing just as I am. I have so much to give, and I need to allow myself to receive that back, not downplay who I am or take less because it’s easier.
It was tough coming to terms with this because my ex is a very easygoing person who doesn’t make waves. He is content with the status quo, and it was always problematic that I am the opposite of that. I am a visionary and a doer. A mover. I see something I want and make it happen. But I dumbed myself down over and over to accommodate him. I didn’t love myself enough to not blame myself for it all.
The problem with this is you die slowly inside, a little each day, and you grow to hate the other person. It isn’t his fault, any more than it is mine. We were young when we married, and family cultural pressures got to us. I now realize I needed so much more from him and never asked for it, and he never stepped up for me to protect me as the woman he loved. I accepted the bare minimum in our relationship, and I suppose I got what I never asked for.
A new phase
I am loving this new phase of my life. The excitement is intense. The freedom of being single again, and of putting myself first again—something I haven’t done since I was in my 20s. Of learning to balance motherhood and myself, and enjoying the process. Of having my soul return, with fire fuelling it.
I went vegan, got healthy and now workout hard daily—a huge priority to me. I do affirmations and practice self-love behaviours that have changed me to my core.
I have worked hard on myself, physically and emotionally. I’ve changed so many habits—I went vegan, got healthy and now work out hard daily—a huge priority to me. I do affirmations and practice self-love behaviours that have changed me to my core.
It’s like I was reborn, when I finally found the courage to release that which doesn’t serve me anymore: that being an energy-draining marriage in which we were just existing.
Navigating this sucks on so many levels, mostly because the kids now want it finalized so we all can move on, and not endure the continued energy-draining atmosphere we are existing in as we figure things out.
Of course, most of the heaviness of it all falls on my shoulders. The kids stay with me, as does the dog. And the life we created is one in which I now have to shift gears and make sure I stay focused. Finding new footing has been far easier for me than my ex. I let go of him years ago, while he is still reeling from me making it official.
Note for men out there: She usually has come to terms with the pain and loss of it all long before she ends it. She has had time to cope alone with feeling unheard, undesired and unwanted for so long, she finally grew tired of begging for your love. The moment when she stopped nagging you about it and went quiet? That was when you finally lost her.
For me, that came shortly after we married and had our first child. We lost ourselves, and in turn, each other. We were never the same after that.
Keep moving forward
The plan is to keep moving forward, get the school year done and forge ahead to make it all legal. It’s daunting, because figuring out the logistics of selling the family home and taking on single-mom duties while working full time can feel overwhelming. But finding time for me again, (i.e., dating) makes me feel alive again.
But if I’m being honest, I am also so excited to “do all the things.” It isn’t as scary as I thought it would be, and I believe everything will be OK because I feel confident this is best for me.
I don’t fear the future because I now have hope. I know I will find the best partner for me, eventually, because I know I won’t ever settle again. I am confident in who I am and what I bring to a relationship because I have healed. I have done the hard work to grow and mature and understand myself to my core. And I continue to do so.
My focus is on myself now, when it never has been. You cannot be in any relationship if you don’t put yourself first. You can only love another person when you make yourself a priority—every moment of every day. This is the only way you can truly make any relationship work. If you don’t love yourself enough, you cannot love someone else enough.
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image 1 Jose Antonio Alba from Pixabay 2 image by vicky gharat from Pixabay 3 image by Ria Sopala from Pixabay 4 image by OyeHaHa from Pixabay
