Setting boundaries is never easy. I think most of us face doing so at some point in our lives. Usually, by that point in time, we’re in some form of crisis with others; or worse, with ourselves. Allowing others to have any sort of negative effect on us, in any way, is unhealthy. Allowing it for an extended period of time is unacceptable.
I personally have had to cut ties with various people in my life, and some of them are also related to me. Family members often overstep, thinking they’re helping. Often, they’re well-meaning (although misguided) and don’t intend to be harmful. But some people simply are selfish and controlling, and can’t see beyond themselves. And the more you try and engage, the more you suffer.
You’ll know when you’re on the right track, in stepping away from toxic people, when you start to feel relief due to not having to deal with them. Stress goes away.
We’re pressured to behave in a certain way
In many cases, we’re taught to think that things should be a certain way, and in turn, we’re pressured to behave towards others a certain way. It may not be right, or even healthy, but it shapes us.
This is very prevalent within European cultures, such as the one I come from. For instance, we’re forced to “kiss aunty and uncle” upon greeting visitors, as disgusting and nauseating as that is for so many of us. Not to mention the inappropriate sexual implications that this can create, the more we engage in it.
We’re also pressured to sign and give birthday or Christmas cards and gifts, regardless of what we may want to do (or not want to do!), because it’s said to be respectful. Proper. The way things are done. Done by whom? Who sets these rules? It may be nice and kind, but am I really a disrespectful brat if I don’t mail a card to an uncle who doesn’t even know my name?
I was raised within such an environment. To this day, even though I’m now a mother, I’m continually questioned and often even reprimanded when my own kids don’t do things in the way that’s expected. I hear constant choruses of “tsk tsk,” and witness continued head-shaking when my children haven’t been forced (by me) to send a card or make a phone call.
Trying to explain that they’re shy or that today’s kids don’t even use phones the way they were intended to be used (making a live call) falls upon angry ears. Yes, indeed, I’m a bad Mom and an even worse person. Duly noted. Over and over again.
I can set boundaries
As I’ve entered middle age, a trail of self-hatred and low self-worth has quietly followed me like a dark shadow. It rides alongside my other mental health issues, including anxiety and bouts of depression, circling around me like a black fog.
Through therapy and self-realization over time, I’m learning that I haven’t set boundaries and (gasp!) can indeed do so. And the more certain people try to engage me, while not listening to my wishes and needs, the more I know that I’m on the right track.
I don’t need to face judgment of any kind, over anything I do in my life, from anyone. But alas, easier said than done. I’ve spent my life reacting to things, and the end result is me being labelled as “the big mouth, the problem, the troublemaker, the bitch, too blunt, obnoxious, difficult”… you get the picture.
Growing up, I simply assumed I was strong and tough, and those closest to me explained it away, as if to build me up somehow within this messiness that I’d started to become. But it never felt good. I never felt right. I always was angry or hurting in some fashion, and lashing out became who I was. Sure, I was the first to apologize and make amends, accept my ugliness wholeheartedly, and even laugh about it to others who laughed right along with me. Or, more specifically, at me.
Now, as I lean into my middle life, a grown woman who has spent years trying to be better, trying to learn about myself and teach my daughters to do the same, I’m finally realizing how harmful this all has been. It has shaped who I am, just not in a good way.
I now endure low self-worth and even lower self-esteem, masked in impatience and rage. Not pretty. Easy to blame on changing hormones, mind you, but unhealthy, so I’ve finally begun the process of true change for my own well-being.
In doing so, I’ve made myself and many people who are close to me extremely uncomfortable. Growth usually is, and I now understand exactly what that means. I’ve altered my work life, slowing my business to a mere drip while I contemplate other income streams and venture back into my passion for writing and art, with great excitement.
It’s been scary, but amazing. I’m setting boundaries and cutting out people from my world—family or not—who make me feel unhappy.
The ugly legacy ends
I’ve cut out anyone who leaves me feeling bad about myself, who questions or judges my choices or my life in any way. That has been tough, but it’s the right move. Very difficult, when your family background is one of decisions and learning based deeply on guilt and passive-aggression, but I refuse to head into the next phase of my life hating myself. It isn’t something I want my children to witness any longer, or to learn how to do, either.
I know I learned a lot of it from my own mother, but this is where the ugly legacy ends. With me.
What caused me to finally open my eyes to all of this was witnessing it creeping into my children’s lives. Watching myself become almost robotic, nodding in agreement when my own mother would remind me of someone’s birthday, telling me that I had better remind my children and make sure they obliged with an act suitable to what I was raised with. I would then continue the process, albeit gently, in the usual passive-aggressive way in which I’d been shown.
When I would see the kids’ faces drop, or hear them uncomfortably agree, I’d shut off that part of me that said, “What the hell are you doing? This is exactly what you hate!” I shuddered. And I stopped.
We get a lot of flak and reactions these days, and while I don’t like it, I won’t change. My children show respect in their own ways, and in their own time, and that’s fine. If someone doesn’t think it’s good enough, so be it. I also do the same, as well as pushing those to the side who aren’t worthy of being up front in my life.
I can feel things shifting. And I keep reminding myself how true growth is painful and uncomfortable. If I keep this in mind, I can keep making changes and moving forward in a healthy way. I can teach my children to love and respect themselves first and foremost, before they give love and respect to anyone else.
Live your life the way you see fit. You can’t please everyone, and you won’t make yourself very happy if that’s your focus in life. Pleasing others. I’ve grown up in a world where that was what people did, especially women. It’s an ugly legacy. I now know it’s wrong, but sometimes, when we’re too close to something, we can’t see it for what it is. Often, it takes cutting the ties that break us to make us.
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