After having had all the shots and boosters that were available at the time, at the age of 79, I came down with COVID. The cause of my becoming ill is a mystery to me. I religiously wore my mask when I would go out in public, consciously washed my hands and lived a life of being involved with family at home.
In February of 2022, I began the first of three hospitalizations at Kaiser in San Francisco. After my first admission, I went home for a brief stay and had to return to the hospital as I had contracted fungal pneumonia that often accompanies exposure to the COVID virus.
After another brief homestay, I found that my stools had become tarry in colour. I went back to the ER to see what was going on; I was bleeding in my intestines due to the use of steroids and I was admitted again and given a blood transfusion. I responded well and again returned home, with a hospital bed in the living room.
I could not walk 10 steps from my bed to the bathroom. My breathing was incredibly limited, I was on oxygen and found that if I moved faster than I was able to catch my breath, I would have to stop and allow my breathing to catch up with what I was asking my body to do.
All the while that I was hospitalized, my wife, Anne, was not able to see me for fear that family members might be exposed to the virus. As a result, we used our cell phones to conference daily with the doctors, so that she was able to ask questions and offer her concerns and thoughts about my course of treatment. Those calls were a lifeline for her and for me. I have never felt a more profound connection with my wife and family than during those times.
The medical and nursing staff were an amazing group of individuals, some of whom have been on the front lines of COVID since the beginning of its presence in our human community. Initially, these folks would come to work and be clueless about what they were dealing with in their daily involvement with patients. Many had young families and had no information that would guide them in what to do to protect themselves or their family members from contracting the virus.
It takes a village
In addition, these special people would do everything they knew to do, only to watch patient after patient die from an illness that was a mystery to everyone. For the better part of three years, these caring professionals endured the hand that they had been dealt and emotionally persevered from day to day and from shift to shift.
By the time I arrived on the scene, antiviral drugs and other means of treatment were available to the hospital staff, along with a better sense of the course of the illness. The medical and nursing staff had something to work with, along with their undying commitment to those of us who were under their care.
There was never a time when I did not feel a sense of compassion from these folks that made me feel emotionally contained in a safe, loving environment. I was able to feel a sense of being present with each moment. Without those folks, I would not have made it. This reinforced my belief that without compassion, we cannot survive by ourselves.
It does truly take a village for us to deal with life. The Dalai Lama has written,
Interdependence is a fundamental law of nature. … Our own survival is so dependent on the help of others that a need for love lies at the very core of our existence. That is why we need to cultivate a genuine sense of responsibility and a sincere concern for the welfare of others.
I finally made it home for good after surviving three hospitalizations. I had the support of my wife, my two sons, my sister and a band of dear, caring friends. And I had a wonderful team of Kaiser physical therapists, occupational therapists and nurses who came to our home to guide me through how to get out of bed and use a walker, how to improve my lung capacity, how to walk longer distances, and how to safely shower, use the toilet and sit at the dining room table for meals.
I was told that I was one ‘tough son of a bitch’ to have come through this season of illness. I give all the credit to my wonderful body, which never gave up, and to those who took care of me. What I brought to the table during my recovery was a will to heal and become able to pop popcorn for my wife at night and walk our dogs.
When I was asked to do 12 push-ups, I would say, “Why not 15?” My PT team supported my stubborn effort to push my limits. I was invited to join the Saint Francis Pulmonary Rehab Clinic, and I applied the same resolve to do what I needed to do to become stronger and more able to participate in washing dishes, cooking dinners, feeding the dogs and being a functioning member of our family. That was my goal for recovery.
Loved ones’ trauma
What also needs to be addressed in dealing with a COVID experience like mine is the strain and fallout for those who have suffered through such a winter of illness with a loved one. There is very much a post-illness trauma recovery process that loved ones experience.
Imagine what it is like to have someone you love facing the uncertainty of death. The sense of helplessness with COVID, literally being on the outside of the hospital looking into what is going on with a family member. Taking responsibility for securing a hospital bed and oxygen tanks, making sure that people are doing what they need to do to provide what is needed for your loved one to make it.
When the dust has settled from the months of the trauma of uncertainty, there is a recovery period that wives, husbands and life partners must undergo to balance out the stress that they have experienced. It is essential that couples realize when such a season presents itself. My wife went through an emotional meat grinder due to not knowing, on three different occasions, whether I would live or not.
Our partners, so important to our survival and recovery, need time to recover from their experience of loving someone and being at the mercy of a disease process that could kill their loved one and was, for so long, such a mystery.
Our partners need the time to recover from the fears and stresses of their loved one having COVID, or any life-threatening disease process. They each need to begin focusing on their needs and feelings, to become, again, a whole person in their own right. They need to be able to go back to the solitude of reading a book or pursuing whatever interest makes them feel a sense of wholeness, and not being continually ‘on duty,’ feeling totally responsible for someone else.
During such recovery periods, a loved one who has been on survival duty might emotionally pull away from affectional expressions with a partner. Such pulling away is part of their recovery and healing process, and must be appreciated for what it is.
For my part, going from being the centre of attention to being on the outside of my wife’s total focus requires an adjustment and a loving change of focus. In a way, it is a time for me to give back to the one who helped in making my recovery possible…
Loving boundaries,
caring, sharing, compassion,
we need each other.
«RELATED READ» LIFE AFTER THE MASK MANDATE: Reflections on fear and compassion»
image 1 :Gundula Vogel; image 2: Engin Akyurt, image 3: Elisabeth
