Someone, perhaps a therapist I sat with along the way, pointed out how often I used the word “should.” I think back to this moment as my first step on the path towards Stoicism.
I was brought up in a world of “shoulds.” My Mom, the biggest influence on my life, existed in a world where things were not as they “should” be. She was terrible in a crisis. Instead of managing whatever was happening at the time, she focused on the outrage that things were not going according to plan—a plan that she had conceived in her mind and formed into a rigid expectation. Real life rarely conformed to that image, and she was constantly frustrated and upset with the way her life fell short of her predictions.
As a youngster, and even as a young adult, I wasn’t able to put my finger on why her worldview was unrealistic. That is, until “should” was isolated for me.
Over time, I realized that to live the life I wanted, I needed to replace “should” with “is.” Instead of being upset with the way circumstances failed to conform to my ideals, I had to accept reality, live in the moment and stop anticipating everything.
Having expectations was a sure way to live a life full of disappointments. It was better to plan without pinning my happiness on an outcome. If something unexpected and negative arose—as it undoubtedly will, from time to time—it was best to deal with it head-on instead of wasting time wishing it was different.
By the time I discovered Stoicism, I was already a Stoic in training.
Marcus Aurelius
I’m a voiceover professional and an audio editor. Several years ago, I was tasked with editing another narrator’s project: Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (who lived from 121 to 180 A.D.). This was my introduction to perhaps the best-known leader in Stoic history.
Aurelius was a Roman emperor and the world’s most powerful leader at the time. Throughout his reign, and his life in general, Aurelius exemplified the tenets of Stoicism: Live a virtuous life. Draw strength from others. Live in the present moment.
Yes, you can—if you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centred, irritable.
Marcus Aurelius
Imagine the world’s most powerful man spending his time writing about how to be better—to be more virtuous, thoughtful, mindful and just. Compare those goals to those of the powerful people of today, and it’s not difficult to see why the journals of Aurelius have survived to this day and are still immensely popular.
There is no room for “should” in Stoic philosophy. It’s based on acceptance:
- Acceptance of others as they are, and kindness towards their flaws.
- Acceptance of one’s circumstances, even as we work to improve them through honest means.
- Acceptance of oneself as we tend to our failings and endeavour to do better.
And memento mori—remember that we have to die. In a world where considering one’s own death is largely pushed to the margins, Stoics use this stark fact as an incentive to make the most of their lives.
Living in deep gratitude
Stoics live in a place of gratitude, remembering all who have passed before us, many of whom led tragically short lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives steeped in the belief that things “should” be different, rather than finding reasons to be grateful for the way things are and putting effort into changing and improving whatever isn’t working.
Stoics have enough. We understand that physical possessions, while fun and enjoyable to use, will ultimately belong to someone else when we leave. They’re not worthy of our pride, nor do their size or number say anything meaningful about our own accomplishments. A big house, a yacht or a fat bank account is, in the end, meaningless. As the old adage goes, “You can’t take it with you.”
Stoics don’t spend all day thinking about death or the futility of being optimistic. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. There’s delicious freedom in not tying one’s satisfaction to outcomes we can’t control. (Here’s the upshot: we can’t really control anything.) Living in deep gratitude for waking up to another day gives the day meaning and prevents us from taking anything for granted.
I have a roof over my head, food to eat, people who love me and work I find meaning in. Aspects of my life that my younger self gave virtually no consideration to now fuel me to make the most of each day.
A life lived in reality with all its flaws
Stoicism has made me kinder, but it also draws lines around what I am and am not responsible for. I can be deeply empathetic toward my friend who is hurting, while also accepting that her recovery is hers to manage and not mine to take on.
Stoicism has made me more tolerant of the flaws of others and myself. I can acknowledge where I’ve failed in my relationships without beating myself up. I can also look kindly upon my late mother when I think of how she clung to her “shoulds.” I understand that she was doing her best and her behaviour was a great lesson for me.
As for me, well, I can’t possibly be perfect either. And it’s OK to accept things about myself that are flawed and either direct effort toward improving them or take them as they are. As long as I’m not hurting anyone else, my imperfections are part of who I am, like the scar on my lip from a childhood accident and my brown eyes.
Stoicism has turned me into an avid student. When I admire the virtues of others, I model them. When someone else is dishonest, it’s a reminder that I don’t want to be like them. This comes without judgment because that’s their journey. This one’s mine.
I don’t know if anyone ever becomes complete as a Stoic. It seems to me that it’s a journey on which you’re constantly reminding yourself to stay between the lines, and where those lines are. Stoicism is a level of awareness I didn’t have before that therapist, or whoever it was, pointed out my reliance on the word “should.”
Stoicism is a virtuous life lived in reality with all its flaws, joys and heartaches. And it is unconditional love for oneself and for everyone else who’s going through this delightfully unpredictable adventure called life.
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image 1: edoardo taloni; image 2: Volker Kraus; image 3: AlbertoAgrela
