Since before I can remember, low self-esteem was a massive part of my identity. I never felt like I was good enough or pretty enough to deserve the things I had or to obtain the things I wanted.
When I found drugs, I also found that my self-esteem issues began to dissipate. Of course, that was a temporary fix to a seemingly permanent issue. Anytime my high would fade away, my feelings of self-doubt and self-hatred became amplified.
Upon getting sober, my issues with self-esteem were at an all-time high. Self-esteem issues in recovering addicts are known to be extremely common. This is due to the shame and guilt that we feel in relation to all the chaos we have created in our lives and the lives of our loved ones.
I found that it was vital for my recovery to unpack the cause of my low self-esteem and work towards building my confidence, while simultaneously learning to love myself for who I am.
My journey towards positive self-esteem
Building up self-esteem can sometimes feel like a long, arduous process. Early on, I couldn’t see the results of my efforts, because of how small each victory was. I hate when people use overplayed catchphrases, but in this case, my hindsight really is 20/20.
Learning to accept and love yourself for who you are can be a lifetime process full of many highs and lows. There is always progress to be made, but through trial and error, I have found a new sense of comfort within my own skin.
Forgiving myself
The first thing I had to do was learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes, and even for the future mistakes that I will inevitably make. I have always had this unnecessary obsession with being perfect. Anytime I would fall short, I’d beat myself up and begin to think that I was worthless.
What I was forgetting is that I am a human who should be comfortable with being unapologetically flawed. Of course, it is important to learn from our mistakes and take measures not to repeat them. Without error, we would have no clue about how to repair what is broken or continue to grow.
In recovery, it is extremely important for us to identify the pain we have caused in other people’s lives. Without the ability to forgive ourselves, doing this would become detrimental to our self-esteem, and in turn, our sobriety.
Another key part of my recovery has been to repair the damage I have caused in my relationships with loved ones during active addiction. Every time I have successfully repaired one of these relationships, I’ve emerged feeling more confident and content with myself. This feeling allows me to forgive myself while simultaneously boosting my self-esteem.
Accepting compliments and love from others
When someone tells me that I look beautiful, that I’m intelligent or compliments me in some manner, I tend to try and explain to them how they are wrong.
My inability to accept compliments from others has contributed to my low self-esteem over the years, so I began trying to simply just say, “thank you” anytime I received a compliment. To my surprise, I am slowly beginning to believe people when they express their love for me, each time I ignore the urge to negate their kindness.
I always thought that when someone gave me a compliment, they were just trying to make me feel better about myself. This led me to reflect on all the times I have complimented my loved ones, and I recalled that I was always being sincere.
I never had any ulterior motives in mind. I just wanted them to understand how much they meant to me. Realizing this has helped me stop the inner dialogue that occurs in my brain every time I receive a compliment.
Having supportive, like-minded friends
As a person who has suffered through a lot of embarrassing and dark experiences, having friends that understood me was always something I could only dream of. However, upon getting sober, I met tons of people who had lived through the same mistakes, traumas and mental-illness-related issues as I had.
I was finally able to converse with my friends about the most impactful moments in my life. Prior to recovery, I was too ashamed to talk about these things with my friends, because I was afraid of being judged or ridiculed.
Being able to talk about my past with friends who could match my stories with similar ones, or with stories that contained even worse emotional turmoil, allowed me to feel a sense of belonging that I had never felt before. I finally felt worthy of friendship.
The friends I have met in sobriety have loved me unconditionally, have supported me through hard times and never gave up on me when I was struggling immensely with my self-esteem. They constantly remind me that building up self-esteem is similar to recovery from addiction. Recovery is not linear; we will mess up and have bad days, but overall, we are working towards something better.
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