This article is excerpted from The Strong, Sensitive Boy, by Dr. Ted Zeff, a guide book for parents about the highly sensitive boy and how to foster his special personality trait.
“I think there’s something wrong with my ten-year-old son. He cries easily, complains about loud noises in the house, and frequently covers his nose when I’m cooking in the kitchen. My son always stays home playing games on the computer, watching TV, or reading and he has no friends.”
“I always felt different as a boy since I didn’t act like the other guys. When I saw boys fighting I would get nervous and feel afraid. I’ve always held back expressing my real feelings for fear of being shamed for being too sensitive.”
If any of this sounds familiar, your son may be a highly sensitive boy. While your son may be different than most boys, he certainly is not alone. Approximately twenty percent of the population is highly sensitive and the trait is equally divided between males and females (Aron, 1996). In other words, approximately twenty percent of all males are highly sensitive, or one out of every five boys has a finely tuned nervous system.
What is a highly sensitive boy?
What’s the difference between a highly sensitive boy and a non-highly sensitive boy? A highly sensitive boy has trouble screening out stimuli and can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds and time pressure. The highly sensitive boy (HSB) tends to be very sensitive to pain and violent movies. He is also made extremely uncomfortable by bright lights, strong smells and changes in his life.
The highly sensitive boy’s nervous system is “wired” in such a way that he’s more acutely aware of, and attuned to, himself, other people, and his environment than the non-HSB. As a result, a highly sensitive boy is more easily stimulated by his surroundings. This is an inborn trait that researchers have also observed in approximately twenty percent of animal populations.
The highly sensitive boy generally reacts more deeply and exhibits more emotional sensitivity than the non-HSB. However, the degree of emotional and physiological reactions varies in each boy. For example, one HSB may not be bothered by noise or crowds, but is made uncomfortable by strong smells or wearing scratchy fabrics. Another boy may be extremely disturbed by loud noise and remain unbothered by watching violence on television. Although the trait has a high correlation with introversion, approximately thirty percent of HSBs are extroverts.
Most sensitive boys tend to pause to reflect before acting and would not be considered risk-takers. This tendency can easily be understood as demonstrating a healthy caution. However, in most societies boys are frequently encouraged to engage in risky behaviour and are praised when they do so, while more cautious behaviour is regarded with shame. The HSB will notice potential danger sooner than the non-HSB and is very aware of safety issues. Interestingly, this sense of caution seems to be regarded highly in the animal kingdom. For instance, the sensitive horse that intuits danger first and is able to warn the other horses of potential danger becomes the leader of his group. This respect for the sensitive animal as leader is probably the reason why virtually no animals died in the tsunami several years ago.
Sensitive boys are generally less aggressive than the “average” boy and are at the opposite end of the spectrum from the very unemotional, aggressive, risk-taking non-HSBs. The HSB is conscientious, sensitive to his environment and socially aware of others around him.
Although many cultures tend to categorize sensitive boys as being unusual or not normal, the trait is basically neutral. Life can be both satisfying and challenging for the boy with a finely tuned nervous system. For example, his responsible and careful approach to completing his schoolwork can make him an excellent student. However, he may spend an inordinate amount of time agonizing over whether he completes his assignments properly.
Some characteristics of a highly sensitive child
- Startles easily
- Complains about scratchy clothing or labels against his skin
- Notices the slightest unusual odor
- Seems very intuitive
- Is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
- Doesn’t do well with big changes
- Asks lots of questions
- Notices the distress of others
- Prefers quiet play
- Is a perfectionist
- Is very sensitive to pain
- Is bothered by noisy places
- Considers safety before climbing high
- Performs best when strangers aren’t present
(Aron, 2002)
If your son exhibits many of the characteristics stated above, he’s probably a sensitive boy. However, even if your son has only a few of the traits, but they are prominent in his life, he may also be considered a sensitive boy.
The highly sensitive boy in society
There are many more challenges for HSBs than HSGs (highly sensitive girls) due to societal values that males should be aggressive, thick-skinned and emotionally self-controlled, which is the antithesis of a highly sensitive boy.
Most boys are taught from an early age to act tough and repress their emotions. According to author William Pollock, whenever boys don’t conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they’re usually ostracized and humiliated (1998). In particular, sensitive boys learn to deny their real selves in order to be accepted and approved of by their peers. This denial can create fear, anxiety and low self-esteem.
Author Paul Kivel has written that boys are put into an “act-like-a-man box,” which means they must be aggressive, tough, strong, in control and active. Whenever males step out of the box, they’re humiliated (1992). In their book Raising Cain, authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson state that if boys express emotions such as fear, anxiety or sadness, they’re commonly seen as feminine, and the adults and other children in their lives typically treat them as though these emotions are abnormal for a boy (1999). Conversely, girls who express emotions are fulfilling others’ expectations, which actually helps them be more accepted by other girls (Aron, 2002).
Males learn to repress all emotions except anger
Given our societal norms, it may come as a surprise that newborn boys are actually more emotionally reactive than girls. One study showed that baby boys cry more than baby girls when they’re frustrated; yet by the age of five, most boys suppress all their feelings except anger. However, even though boys are taught to maintain emotional control, measuring their heart rate or skin conductance (sweaty palms) in emotionally arousing situations demonstrates that there’s no difference between boys’ and girls’ responses (Kindlon and Thompson, 1999). Boys have the same human needs as girls. For example, a kindergarten teacher who welcomes her students each day with hugs has a calming effect on the most disruptive boys since all boys have a basic need to be loved, cared for and respected.
When boys act aggressively or are silent, it’s accepted as normal; yet when they express normal levels of fear, anxiety and sadness (which are considered “feminine” emotions), others treat them as abnormal.
The effect on males of having to conform to wearing a tough-guy mask creates suffering on both a personal and societal level and is particularly devastating for the sensitive boy, who has to try harder than the average boy to repress his emotions.
Violent male behaviour may stem from the perpetrator’s fear that they aren’t behaving aggressively enough and may be thought of as feminine. However, as I mentioned before, the behaviour that’s associated with girls (actions that demonstrate empathy, sensitivity, compassion and so on) are also natural male traits—they’re simply not recognized as such in many societies.
Anthropologists have demonstrated that in certain cultures violent male behaviour is non-existent, such as in the Semoi of Malaysia. Likewise, the Hutterite Brethen, the largest and most successful Christian communal group in the United States, has enjoyed more than 350 years without a murder. We may infer then that violence isn’t natural for males but is a learned behaviour (Kindlon and Thompson, 1999).
What is masculinity?
Many males become uncomfortable in discussions of male sensitivity, since this trait has been interpreted as feminine. In the common duality that strictly separates what is masculine and what is feminine in our culture, being compared too closely with the feminine will likely threaten a man’s constructed sense of manhood.
Many males who are destroying their lives to feel “manly” are not acting like real men; rather, they are performing a distortion of a cultural stereotype. By disowning their sensitive side, many males become half a person (Pittman, 1994). The aggressive, non-emotional male needs to learn to emulate the behaviour of the compassionate, emotionally sensitive male to become a fully functioning human being—acknowledging and honouring each of their human qualities instead of segregating most and aggrandizing a few.
Dan, a married sociology professor at a small college in the Bay Area, said, “I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, when Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were the big heroes. Real men were supposed to be strong, tough and silent. At an early age I realized that I wasn’t masculine enough, because I didn’t like to fight or play competitive sports. Virtually all of the emotional pain that I had growing up was due to my having a finely tuned nervous system. However, even though other kids made fun of me, I always believed that deep down every person knows the importance of being sensitive to other people’s feelings. I think in every culture there are people who appreciate sensitivity in males.”
Unfortunately, although most non-highly sensitive men are kind-hearted, the aggressive traits of non-highly sensitive men are exalted by the media of most western societies. The stereotypical macho media heroes have only reinforced false beliefs of what it means to be a man. By emulating the worst characteristics of non-highly sensitive men, the values of the military and political leaders in the twentieth century have led to more than 100 million people being killed in wars (Tolle, 1999). Also, some of the non-highly sensitive male executives of major corporations have severely damaged the planet with indiscriminate oil drilling, clear-cutting of forests and polluting the environment.
Although your son may have been told that he’s too sensitive, the truth is that the proliferation of insensitive values has created a world on the brink of disaster. Our only hope for saving the planet is for all males to learn to be sensitive and kind towards all sentient beings.
In order for a society to function at an optimal level, there has to be a balance between the highly sensitive male (HSM) and non-HSM styles. While most non-HSMs will be found among the soldiers and chief executive officers of large corporations, and the HSMs will more often be counsellors, artists and healers, I think HSMs can function in almost any occupation so long as they do it their way, thoughtfully and without unnecessary aggression. The point is, societies that ultimately succeed and flourish are the ones that honour both the aggressive warriors and the sensitive advisors. The sensitive male has an important mission, which is to balance the aggressive behaviour of some non-sensitive males who treat humans, animals, and Mother Nature in a callous fashion.
As our societal view of masculinity slowly begins to change, I’m hoping that more space will be created for both men and women to appreciate empathy, vulnerability and sensitivity in men. In the last few years there have been numerous books about protecting boys’ emotional health, new anti-bullying programs have been implemented in many schools, and new male political leaders have become a role model for boys how to exude strength with compassion, understanding and compromise.
While sensitive males may not be warriors fighting on foreign battlefields, their battles take just as much courage. Fighting to uphold righteousness in society, long the purview of sensitive men and women everywhere, takes a strong backbone and much fortitude. Personal and global peace can only be achieved through the resurrection of such masculine heroes as Jesus, Buddha, the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. It takes a strong man to speak the truth about morality, virtue and justice as these great spiritual leaders have done.
Biological causes for boys’ behaviour
Though some of what we consider traditionally masculine behaviour is certainly based on cultural and societal norms and constructions, there’s a biological foundation for much of boys’ behaviour. Michael Gurian, renowned author of many books about boys’ emotions, has written that due to the dominance of the hormone testosterone in boys’ bodies, aggression and physical risk-taking are programmed and hardwired into boys. The quality and quantity of aggressive behaviour depends on a boy’s age and how he has been taught to channel it (2007).
Gurian further states that male testosterone-driven behaviour first developed millions of years ago, when males needed more testosterone to reproduce. As a result, men evolved to produce more of the necessary testosterone. Studies have shown that male infants and young boys are generally more aggressive than their female counterparts. However, if traumatic stress on the mother inhibits testosterone release to the male fetus in utero, the boy could be born with fewer aggressive tendencies. This may partly explain why HSBs are generally less aggressive than most boys. However, further research is needed to determine if there’s a correlation between testosterone level and the sensitive male.
Sensitive males, sensitive brains
Male and female behaviour is certainly influenced by hormones, but it may also relate to actual structural differences in the brains of men and women. Laurie Allen, a brain researcher at UCLA, has pointed out some of the differences commonly seen between male and female brains. For instance, there’s an increased focus in the male brain’s right hemisphere on spatial relationships and activity. Also, most boys don’t read as well as girls due to a smaller corpus callosum, which also accounts for males having a more difficult time expressing feelings. When verbal skills are tested, much less of the male brain is used than the female brain. Finally, brain function may explain why many men are so task-oriented. When examining brains of men, researchers could see how the brain “turned on” to do a task then “turned off” when the task was complete (Gurian, 2007).
In his 2007 book The Minds of Boys, Gurian has also pointed out that the difference between the male and female brain is genetically programmed based on our millions of years as hunters and gatherers. As a hunter, the male brain developed better spatial capacities and de-emphasized emotive, empathetic and verbal skills, which were less needed for men in that milieu. As the primary childcare providers and food gatherers, women needed a better sense of hearing, touch and taste than the men, and therefore evolved to have brains that allowed for these improved traits in females.
Gurian also wrote, “The sensitive boy has a ‘bridge brain’ and may show lower testosterone levels in the blood as well as higher oxytocin levels; thus his basic biology may be formed less towards the search for self through aggression and more for empathic bonding. He will also quite often show higher than average verbal development, more active word centres and pathways in both hemispheres of the cerebral cortex. Furthermore, he may show more developed neural pathways for emotional signals in the brain. His corpus callosum may be larger than normal for a male, allowing more crosstalk between hemispheres of his brain and thus more emotional processing. In these ways his brain may be a ‘bridge’ between genders” (2007).
Simon Baron-Cohen, professor at Cambridge University in the fields of psychology and psychiatry and the author of The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth About Autism, showed that one in five males (approximately twenty percent) has what he calls a “female brain.” This term is not used to suggest sexual preference, but to point out the broad continuum of gender in the brain (BaronCohen, 2004).
However, according to Elaine Aron, even if theoretically sensitive males have more of a female brain (that is, less testosterone and more oxytocin), then they should be similar to all females. However, only twenty percent of females are highly sensitive, not every female with a typically feminine brain. This discrepancy may indicate that what makes a male highly sensitive may be something other than the biological factors we’ve been examining.
Highly sensitive males and highly sensitive females probably have more in common neurologically with each other than sensitive males have with the eighty percent non-highly sensitive female population. Dr. Aron also suggests that perhaps it is culture more than science leading researchers to determine that the sensitive male has a “female” brain.
The duality of “male” and “female” as complete opposites is fundamental in our culture, so we are likely to conclude that anything not typically male must therefore be female, as if by default. In addition, while initial research indicates that one in five males have a brain structure that’s different from most other males, further research is needed to determine if these males also have a finely tuned nervous system. In the end, we may find that what makes these men highly sensitive is neither something biologically typically “male” or typically “female,” but something neurologically “sensitive.”
Since most sensitive males not only react strongly to stimuli but also feel emotions deeply, the correlation between sensitive males and non-highly sensitive females may be related more to these men’s emotional reactions rather than biological similarities. However, we also have to take into consideration the cultural bias against males expressing emotions when considering similarities between sensitive male and female emotional reactivity. As we know, there’s a strong stigma against men expressing emotions other than anger. In fact, Dr. Aron’s research demonstrated that even highly sensitive men reported that they cried less frequently than highly sensitive women.
Even though the male brain may have been genetically programmed to foster the aggressive hunter, in ancient days some men must have expanded their consciousness beyond the daily hunt to help the human race evolve. The first person to begin writing hieroglyphics may have been a sensitive man who dropped out of the hunting party one day to utilize his innate traits of intuition, imagination and creativity. Sensitive men may have also been at the forefront in the transition from a hunter-gatherer society to a more peaceful agrarian society.
Not fitting in
Since the eighty percent of non-HSBs are hardwired neurologically to behave in a different manner than the twenty percent of HSBs, highly sensitive boys do not fit in with the vast majority of boys. Unfortunately, most HSBs have internalized the false belief that there’s something wrong with them because they behave differently from most of their peers. As they grow and become socialized, they begin to see their innate gentleness, emotionality and tendency towards overstimulation as abnormal and wrong.
This trend is reflected in my in-depth research with thirty highly sensitive men. Ninety percent of these men felt that their childhood was marked by feelings of alienation—that they didn’t fit in with other boys. As I’ve mentioned, although my study included a small sample and a larger sample of sensitive men needs to be completed to obtain statistically significant data, the initial results indicate these feelings are common among HSMs.
Even some of the highly sensitive males who reported that their parents supported their sensitivity and that they had positive peer interactions felt there was something wrong with them. Sadly, when sensitive children begin to think there’s something wrong with them, they begin to shut down and suppress all of the positive traits related to their sensitivity (Crawford, 2009).
Most boys like to play in a rough-and-tumble manner and seem to enjoy watching combative scenes in movies and television. However, my research indicated that eighty-five percent of sensitive men always avoided fighting as a boy and ninety percent didn’t like watching violence on television or in the movies.
Frequently, boys who don’t want to fight are humiliated by their peers, which contributes to poor self-esteem. Dan, the highly sensitive man we met earlier, told me that when he used to go to the movies with his friends as a boy, he would pretend to really enjoy the bloody and violent scenes while secretly looking away from the screen. He was always afraid that the other boys would see him avoiding the screen and tease him, encouraging him to feel that there was something wrong with him.
Aaron was brought up in a rural area in Eastern Canada with five brothers and sisters, an overwhelmed mother and a strict father. He told me, “I felt like something was wrong with me since I didn’t fit in with my family. I was a perfect example of a highly sensitive person as described in the books I’ve read on the subject. As a boy, I was very sensitive to cold, couldn’t have tags on the back of my shirts, and had to have clothes that fit just perfectly. My parents didn’t understand me and considered me ‘spoiled.’ For example, I could tell when bread had a slightly mouldy taste and wouldn’t eat it, yet everyone else in the family thought there was nothing wrong with it. They thought I was crazy. Even when, the next day, you could physically see the mould, they were still not convinced that I could taste the mould the day before.”
Some HSMs who were regularly humiliated by peers, teachers and family while growing up have developed post-traumatic stress disorder. Terry, who was raised in a middle-class Long Island suburb twenty miles from New York City, had parents who not only didn’t support his sensitivity, but would tease him for it. Terry reported, “My father was a typical macho man who would humiliate me for my sensitivity, calling me a ‘baby girl’ whenever I cried or got upset. I became a frightened boy, avoiding other children at school out of fear of being hurt, and I used to hide in my room to avoid being abused by my dad. As a child I felt as if I were walking around with no skin—sort of like a sponge, absorbing everything that came my way. I had no protection from the endless attacks directed at me at home, school, or in my neighborhood. This embattled existence eventually shattered my self-esteem and created PTSD.”
Being humiliated for having a finely tuned nervous system is like experiencing discrimination based on the colour of your skin, your religion, or your national origin. As with other minority groups, it’s important for sensitive males and their parents, family and friends to educate the general population about themselves. Although the sensitive boy may be different from most other boys, it’s crucial that adults recognize and support the HSB’s unique traits, helping him navigate through a majority non-HSP world that tends to value aggressive, risk-taking behaviour among boys.
Positive traits of the sensitive male
The highly sensitive boy may have trouble fitting into the narrow mould of a stereotypical male, but he has many wonderful qualities. Some of these include:
- Compassion
- Gentleness
- The ability to act as a peacemaker
- Concern about the humane treatment of animals
- A sense of responsibility
- Conscientiousness
- Creativity
- The tendency to feel love deeply
- A great intuitive ability
- An awareness of his unity with all beings
- The ability to have and appreciate deep spiritual experiences
Although your HSB may not fit in with many boys in our competitive, overstimulating and often violent world, the sensitive boy tends to share many of the characteristics of the great male spiritual teachers. These men also had trouble fitting in with aggressive, combative males and were sometimes humiliated for their empathetic and compassionate behaviour. And of course, this inability to fit in gave them the opportunity to do great things.
Although you may not think of your son as a future saint, it would be beneficial to spend some time reflecting on the qualities I listed above. Your HSB shares these with the truly great spiritual giants who have walked the Earth.
All of the HSMs in my study indicated that throughout their life they “usually” or “always” have been: intuitive, gentle, responsible, a peacemaker and good at counselling people. Your son is in good company, sharing these traits with such famous highly sensitive males as Abraham Lincoln, the great psychologist Carl Jung and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Recognizing these positive tendencies and abilities in your boy will give you the opportunity to support and even celebrate them. Many parents really appreciate and support their sensitive sons, joining in to share their interest in reading, art and quiet games. Children of such supportive parents develop high self-esteem. These parents are thrilled that their highly sensitive sons will help to uphold the highest values in society.
Read more on this topic in THE POWER OF SENSITIVITY: Finding my identity as an HSP»
[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Dr. Ted Zeff received his Ph.D. in Psychology in 1981 from the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco and has completed post-graduate studies in nutrition, ayurveda and meditation. At Ted Zeff’s popular website people obtain information about the trait of high sensitivity and learn coping strategies for themselves and their children.
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Excerpted from The Strong, Sensitive Boy by Dr. Ted Zeff. Copyright © 2010 by Ted Zeff. |
