Whether it’s joy over good news or anger over a disagreement, feelings are an inevitable result from conversations. You were not feeling this way before the conversation, but you are now.
How can mere words affect how we’re feeling? They’re only words, right? Remember what your Mom was always saying about “sticks and stones?” The words we use, which includes thoughts, images and feelings, quite possibly may be the most powerful tool we have to impact the direction we head in our lives.
The meaning we attach to words impact how we respond or react. These meanings can be full of historical context and rich with emotions, both positive and negative. While working with people as a psychologist, I’ve seen tremendous influence from the simplest of words.
The impact of conversations with others can be amplified in the conversations we have with ourselves. The power of the words we use about ourselves to others and ourselves, and the effects these words have on our lives, do seem to have a bearing on how we feel. These words can also affect the events in our lives and our relationships with others. Basically, how we talk to ourselves about ourselves has an immense impact on ourselves.
It’s helpful to consider our words, thoughts and ideas as a means of communication. Just as we can distinguish between the intent and tone of a message from another (i.e., screaming an insult vs. politely offering a compliment), we also distinguish among our internal messages. How we communicate with ourselves can be addressed. Below is a style of communication insight (represented by the acronym ART—Awareness, Response, Tweak), which may be helpful to remember.
Awareness
Awareness of the communication we use with ourselves is the first step. Self-communication can be expansive or limiting as the words we use represent the feelings and ideas we have regarding a particular subject. For example, let’s consider the difference between the phrases “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure.” When we tell ourselves (or others) we don’t know, we’re making an absolute statement that we’re unaware of something and—most importantly—won’t know either. On the other hand, telling others we’re not sure leaves room in its implications (again, to ourselves and others) that we may be able to know through acquisition of knowledge, remembering past information, or any number of possibilities. The key is that within our communication we can create opportunities versus restricting opportunities. Here are a few ways to become and remain aware of the manner we communicate with ourselves:
- Notice use of limiting words (such as can’t, won’t, never) used to describe yourself to others.
- Notice use of limiting communication (for example, “I shouldn’t have done that,” implies something else should have been done or that an error was made).
- Monitor the effects of this type of language on mood, emotions, and events. Specifically, how do particular ways of communicating leave you feeling? How long do the reactions persist (minutes, hours, days)? Are certain communications more effective than others?
- Investigate how the effects of these types of communications interfere with your relationships, work and play activities.
Respond
Respond with different words after noticing limiting communications. It’s OK to repeat a statement directly after using a limiting statement. Replacing “I can’t do that” with “It’s hard for me to do that” allows for the possibility of effort and eventual competence in a particular area. This can also be another way to remain aware of limiting communication usage. The next step is to respond in a different manner. Let’s consider the language used in this directive. We need not use better or more generous language, just “different” language. Judgment can lie within the limiting language we use and even simple substitution of a word like “different” can take away the weight of judgment.
Tweak
The last step is not final by any means. Continue to practice (tweak) awareness and responding differently. Maintaining a continued awareness of how we converse with ourselves can allow us to alter our responses in a manner that is most helpful and kind to ourselves. That is, after all, the point here: to notice times when we’re less than kind to ourselves (limiting one’s dreams, experiences, opportunities can be the ultimate unkindness) and responding differently. Through tweaking or practicing, I have confidence we can learn different and kinder ways of communicating about ourselves to everyone.
[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Dr. Skip Hrin is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years experience in mental health field helping individuals, families, and couples with a wide range of difficulties. This article first appeared in Alaska Wellness.
