Whenever we try to push an emotion under the surface, it doesn’t disappear. It’s only a matter of time before it resurfaces. Sometimes, if the emotion’s been repressed for too long, it rises to the surface with such force that it threatens to capsize the ship.
I’ve been waking up in a state of agitation for the past couple of weeks. It’s disconcerting to hear your morning alarm and immediately find yourself face-to-face with anger. It’s not good for the soul, and it’s a terrible way to start the day.
I know the reason I’m waking up angry is that I’m going to bed angry. The reason I’m going to bed angry is that I’m carrying unspoken worries and resentments around all day and failing to unburden myself of them before I turn out the light and put my head on the pillow.
Anger has been the invisible teddy bear keeping me company. Instead of giving me comfort, however, it’s been robbing me of inner peace. It’s also been doing a great job of robbing me of a good night’s sleep.
There are many reasons I’ve been experiencing so much anger lately. Things have simply not been going my way in several important areas of my life, and I’m compensating for more challenging emotions that I don’t wish to face: specifically, fear, sadness and shame. Somehow, it’s been less overwhelming to focus my energy and attention on rage. It’s not easy to admit, because I claim to be a spiritual person. Nonetheless, it’s the uncomfortable truth: Anger has been getting the better of me.
It’s quickly gotten out of hand. My anger has been starting to manifest as pain in my body and resentment towards everyone in my life. I’ve had enough.
Today, I finally decided to take out my notebook and do a little three-step exercise to get the monkey off my back. Thankfully, it worked surprisingly well.
The 3-step exercise
The three steps were the following: venting the anger, uncovering the fears and accepting the truth.
Step 1: Vent the anger
I got myself a coffee, sat somewhere I wouldn’t be interrupted, took a deep breath and gave myself lots of time to write down all of the reasons I’m angry. I wrote until I ran out of things to be angry about. It took a long time. I definitely should have done this exercise sooner.
Step 2: Uncover the fears
Next, I methodically went through each angry thing I’d written and reflected on the fear that’s hidden underneath it. Anger is always motivated by fear. This also took a very long time, but it was worth it.
Sometimes this took the form of simply rephrasing the angry thought: “I don’t know what to do with all of this anger” became “I don’t know what to do with all of this fear.”
Sometimes I simply let the deeper emotional thought emerge. What started as “the anger is bubbling and burning deep in my core, in the pit of my stomach” led to “the fear is dragging me down under the surface, so deep that I can’t breathe or see the light anymore.”
It wasn’t a comfortable experience, facing all of the fears I’ve been repressing, partly because it quickly became apparent that there are things I’ve been doing (and not doing) that have directly contributed to the aspects of my life I’m so angry about. Quite often, fear leads to inaction or to taking the wrong action, and I’ve been humbled to realize that I’ve been doing a lot of both. I can be as angry as I want, but it won’t exempt me from having to take responsibility for my role in how my life is unfolding.
Step 3: Accept the truth
This third stage wasn’t done in my notebook, just in my mind. To be honest, I believe this third stage is still unfolding. When you stir up the muddy floor of the pond, it takes time for the water to clear.
As difficult as it is, the truth I need to accept is this: I need to take action to address the things that are causing me fear, sadness and shame because it’s the only way the anger will dissipate.
Easier said than done. It’s going to require cleaning up messes I’ve made and walked away from, saying words I’ve been swallowing, and doing what I should and not just what I want to.
At least I know what has to be done; that’s the first step to doing it.
I’m still feeling angry, but now the anger is significantly tempered with greater self-awareness. I’m still feeling afraid, sad and ashamed about many things that are happening that have no quick solutions, and many things I wish I could go back and change, but at least now I understand what’s triggering those emotions. Now I know that I have more power than I realized to change the present, and that’s more important than anything else.
My wish for myself tonight, and for every night in the immediate future, is that I reread what I wrote today before my head hits the pillow and I keep the teddy bear of anger outside my bedroom door.
Going to bed less angry will mean waking up better rested and with a more positive attitude towards myself and my life. I’m determined to start my day tomorrow with a new frame of mind; writing my way out of the old one worked wonders today. The pen is mightier than the self-sabotaging sword.
«VERWANDTES LESEN» ANGER: 5 strategies that’ll help you mindfully release this emotion»
Bild 1 Christian Supik (Fotografie) + Manuela Pleier (Design) von Pixabay 2 Bild von Florian Pircher von Pixabay
