My Scattered Tribe
In past lives, we were together as one.
Hunting, fishing, growing,
nurturing, caring, loving,
singing, dancing, storytelling
and laughing hard.
Now, we are scattered across the globe.
How, why, when did this happen?
So, so long ago,
no one knows.
Here I sit alone,
no campfire, no throne,
no worship of our deities.
No more do I belong to these people, and they to me.
I now belong to no one and nothing,
but at least, at most, I am still here,
sitting in the same seat on a fast-moving train.
The scenery changes and changes again,
and here I am.
Now I sit alone in an empty carriage,
a dark, barren cave,
but nothing can take me away
from what I am.
I am
Here
Now
I am
This
Now
I am
Now
When I turn inwards,
I find loneliness and pain.
Then, as I turn outwards,
I begin to see all that I am again.
Wow, am I all of it?
I observe,
and so I am now the observer
observing the observed.
I see the material lines,
the separateness of the physical world,
and I see the blurring and blending
of energetic, emotional, soul-based connections
and who knows what else.
I am what I am:
An experiencer experiencing
whatever is happening,
felt and thought about
and perceived with opinions and beliefs.
I mourn for my scattered tribe,
the close connections,
but I cannot grieve
for the loss of this moment.
For it is here, as strong as it ever was.
Only in death
can I be disconnected
or scattered from now,
maybe.
Oh, my beloved scattered tribe,
we are lost and alone.
But we look at the same sun and moon
and together we dream of the stars.
We are connected to the unbreakable permanent now
as we live on this same Earth, together,
pretending to be what we are not
and forgetting who we truly are.
Always experiencing change
in every way, every day, everywhere.
Except in time,
where it is always now.
Whatever our version of this is
is who we are,
but only for now.
You are this
and this is now,
and so you are
this, now.
It is all for the love of now,
in all possible ways,
always and forever.
The Brave, the Foolish and the Hopeful
I’ve never met you
and I’ve never seen you,
but I feel you
and I think I’m in love with you.
So love comes riding in again.
Oh, hello love, welcome back.
I’m ready for you,
so fill me, consume me, as you always do.
Love will break my heart.
It always has, so far,
but perhaps not this time.
Let’s see.
If my heart is to be broken,
I will not walk away.
Instead, I will run to you
and place my tender beating heart into your loving hands.
You can do the same,
and I’ll promise never to break you,
but we can’t know that.
I might, same as you.
Wait, hold on.
This is not the time for broken dreams,
mourning what isn’t to be
with regret, hurt and grief.
This is our time for loving hearts,
caring, giving and feeling.
This surge of love inside of me
is coming for you; it’s on the march.
My love is now an unstoppable force,
but everything depends on you,
so let’s open those vast, impenetrable gates to our hearts
and let it all pour in: pure, unfiltered, uncontained.
We bravely go
where we have been before
with others, before we knew
who we were waiting for.
Do we have a choice?
I know we won’t take it slow
or hold back,
because we can’t.
You are my Kraken,
coming to wrap yourself around me
and pull me into your heart
to devour me in your love.
I want to live and die in your love,
to drown into you,
to know nothing more than
how it feels to be with you, always.
I want to be a gift to you,
so take me as I am
and take all that I have
as I give the love that I am to you.
This great love has been released,
and it is coming for you
without a price or demand for a return.
Pure and free, just as it is.
I so want you to feel the love I feel,
all the way inside
to your core,
in all that you are.
Because I know that nothing
I get in this life
can be as good
as how loving you feels.
Fearing the Deer
I am a yellow flag.
Used to be a red one,
now I’m a new flag wannabe
wanting green-on-green with you.
Then everything is a red alert.
The alarm is alarming.
Run, run, run
out of the woods,
away from that dangerous deer.
Into my bat cave I go,
hanging upside-down
where everything is the wrong way around,
in the pitch black, right at the back.
What did you do that was so wrong?
I find you guilty
of wanting us to spend more time together.
How dare you.
I’m so sorry that I set the “mike-trap,”
saying you decide, you lead,
but you have to choose what I want
without me saying what that is!
You see, I’m scared of my loving deer.
What if she wants too much from me?
What if I can’t escape
or I don’t wanna?
My precious deer
must not be hurt or unhappy.
Always give her what she wants
until that isn’t what I want.
I can’t go through the same past again,
making the same mistakes.
Of course, then I do.
But this time, I’m gonna tell you.
When she was sad
about having what was unwanted,
I tried to make it better, or at least not worse.
And, of course, I failed.
I was so afraid of her breakdowns.
They were rare, but it was edgy.
My job was to keep her stable,
and how I tried.
Now I want to run run run.
Hang on, that was all my mum—
but this is why when I come to you,
my kind little deer,
I shake with fear.
Now is the time to be with
those ghosts from the past.
Can we let the fear just be?
Lovingly.
You can stay
with your frightened bear,
or go if you have to.
You need to do
whatever is best for you.
I want your love
and for you to have all of mine,
but sometimes
I’m a wannabe green, turning red.
I invite rejection; I know.
It’s like PTSD,
retriggered and re-experienced
again and again.
But this time
if you stay, I won’t run.
I will feel this fear
and be with you anyway, always.
«RELATED READ» POEMS BY OLIVIA HAJIOFF: Song Without Melody, Poem Without Words, The Sunken»
изображение: StockSnap
