I first encountered the word “Ego” when reading a Goosebumps book as a child. Though I didn’t understand what it meant at the time, I did know what Eggo waffles were—and from then on, the word ‘ego’ became inextricably linked to an image of the crusty yellow breakfast food.
Each time I read the term, waffles inevitably came to mind. A magazine article’s phrasing of “man and his ego,” for instance, conjured a mental picture of the two strolling side by side in the same way an owner might walk next to his pet dog.
As I grew older, I learned more about what egos were, the purpose they served and how they operated—yet the image of Humans and their Ego remained. I’ve since replaced the mental picture of Humans with another character: Heart. The small vulnerable thing that beats inside all of us. The part that’s most real and true, but is also so fragile.
When Ego takes its job too seriously
For starters, keep in mind that Ego is bigger on some days than on others. The cause for size fluctuation can be difficult to pinpoint, at times, but is often dependent on with whom it’s interacting, the amount of positive validation it has received as of late, and its proximity to what it senses might be a potential battle zone.
Second, similar to the aforementioned dog (or certain dog breeds, anyway), Ego is determined to safeguard its Heart owner at all costs. Present since birth, this insistent determination leads Ego to label countless passers-by as intruders. Oftentimes, the intruder will be another Ego, in which case the two have at it with one another, engaging in a heated altercation.
After a few battles, though, it becomes clear that as strong as they might appear, the Egos’ materials are far from durable. Despite their initial goal to protect, they don’t, after all, end up doing much to safeguard the Hearts. Not in the way Hearts really need them to. Appearances can be deceiving. Proclamations can turn out to be empty.
Some Hearts, seeing what happens when their protector gets carried away, are willing to take the necessary steps to prevent future calamity. They’ll tap Ego on the shoulder, and when it turns around, tell it that it’s “really kind of obnoxious.” Predictably, Ego responds to this in a bitter, begrudging manner.
As the years go by, Ego may not even see the Heart as part of it anymore. Ego drives on recklessly, temporarily valuing anyone who can show it a good time.
Other Hearts, however, have no such qualms with their protector’s (at times) volatile and destructive behaviour, so long as it keeps them from having to confront scary feelings. Rather than putting Ego in check, they allow their pseudo-guardian to continue running rampant.
More and more time passes. Ego reaches a point at which it has strayed far from its original protector role. Behaviour that originated for a benevolent, Heart-shielding cause has now devolved into a manic obsession with maintaining optimal dopamine levels at any cost. As the years go by, Ego may not even see the Heart as part of it anymore. Ego drives on recklessly, temporarily valuing anyone who can show it a good time.
Given the high that Ego’s on and how much it hates being contradicted, any passenger who stops singing gets thrown out of the car. As Ego drives on, music blasts from the speakers. Ego speeds ahead with the remaining passengers—the fun ones who add only light to its life. They sing. They laugh. They accelerate past the speed limit.
Until, eventually, comes the head-on collision. The one that splits the Ego open, reduces it to the baby-waffle it began as and spent so many years trying to distance itself from. Ego’s final words may very well be, “It wasn’t my fault."
Relationships of any kind require tools
Haruki Murakami wrote in Wind/Pinball, “It seemed that no one could live without pride. If that was all one had left though, it was too dark. Way too dark.”
When the dust settles, a new Ego emerges from the rubble. It steps out and surveys the scene.
The Ego regrows, but this time, it stops after a certain point. I don’t believe in smashing the ego completely; just in keeping it in check. But sometimes everything must come undone before it can be rebuilt.
In an article by Randi Kreger titled “Behind the Facade: The ‘False Self’ of the Narcissist,” Kreger quotes Diane England, Ph.D.:
The person operating as an authentic or real self strives to always be aware of her behaviour and its impact on others. She strives to take right actions that are both beneficial and non-destructive to others as well as the world in general.
The authentic individual realizes that because of the connection between herself and all others, when she harms another or some aspect of the universe, she actually is harming herself as well. This, of course, is so different from the perception of the narcissist who can only see what benefits him, even if it is destroying both others as well as the world. ”
The new protector strives to incorporate the above message into its actions, realizing that at times, it will invite a pain it can no longer numb out. It knows it will be hard, but it knows it is what it must do.
«VERWANDTES LESEN» THE BHAGAVAD GITA: A metaphor for fighting a spiritual war against ego»
Bild 1 Lothar Dieterich von Pixabay 2 image by Thomas Wolter von Pixabay
