“We accumulate so much stuff throughout our lives,” my sister said, as the two of us moved boxes out of her old apartment a few months ago. I agreed that humans do seem to be better at accumulating than letting go, to which the surfeit of belongings before us attested.
As we continued to transport items to the car, I started thinking about how the same truth applies on a more abstract level. Not only do our rooms fill with physical possessions, but over the years, our minds accumulate lessons, defenses and beliefs.
And because they’re not of visible form, we’re freed from having to routinely take them out, dust them off, rearrange or discard them the way we might feel more compelled to do with our material items. Their intangibility often prompts us to even forget they’re up there altogether, keeping the forces that govern our behaviour chronically occluded from our conscious awareness.
In his article on Marjorie Alette’s refurbishing of 1644 Great Highway (a historic house in San Francisco), Carson Lancaster writes of his subject, “So much clutter had been left by previous inhabitants that she couldn’t tell the condition of the floors or walls.”
Unchecked beliefs and an unpeaceful mind
This, I believe, is the main problem with the stocking up of so many unchecked beliefs.
Once we accumulate such a high volume, it’s more difficult than before to locate the open, peaceful mind that’s tolerant of multiple perspectives. By the time we’ve reached adulthood, our brains may look a lot like those ball pits you see people swimming around in on Instagram.
Like the colourful pools at Chuck E. Cheese, our ball pit minds fill over time.
One ball might say, “People mostly reap what they sow.”
Another might contain a tag that reads, “If she realized how unhealthy it was, she wouldn’t be doing it anymore.”
Two conflicting beliefs may very well even co-exist within the same mind, leading to cognitive dissonance: “Reachability and accessibility are the true tests of loyalty” versus “It’s selfish to expect someone to be at your beck and call. Healthy relationships account for both people’s needs.”
As a society, we’re quick to condemn the empty-headed, equating excessive open-mindedness with naiveté, a lack of conviction and waffling.
Maybe there’s more value to this seeming “wishy-washiness” than we tend to give it credit for, though. Although passion is certainly important, I’ve noticed how often it leads to clinging, defending, attachment and the refusal to let go—even of beliefs that might need refurbishing or complete discarding.
At worst, such beliefs run the risk of inflicting suffering—be it on ourselves or on others.
Cognitive clear-out
Let’s look at the detrimental effect that something as simple as one stubborn belief might have on a couple’s connection. A husband, after his wife tells him that his actions have hurt her, pulls out a red ball from the pit of his mind. The ball says, “If I didn’t mean any harm, there’s no way I could have caused any.”
Over time, the wife will have come to find that her husband’s support is conditional, and that her feelings are only valid when they don’t butt heads with his stubborn, pre-existing beliefs.
Or what might the consequences of a belief such as “People mostly reap what they sow” be?
Certain beliefs cause harm. It’s because of this that periodically going back into the mind and participating in “mental feng shui” is so crucial.
Juliana Breines, in an article about victim blaming, wrote: “Research has found, not surprisingly, that people who believe that the world is a just place are happier and less depressed. But this happiness may come at a cost—it may reduce our empathy for those who are suffering, and we may even contribute to their suffering by increasing stigmatization.”
So, while such a belief may make them feel safer in the world, this safety comes at the price of another person, or even an entire group—the majority of whom were dealt their “life card” just as arbitrarily as the rest of us were.
In short, certain beliefs cause harm. It’s because of this that periodically going back into the mind and participating in “mental feng shui” is so crucial.
When we hold onto a physical belonging, I think it’s because we believe at some point or another, we might need it—no matter if it’s been years since the last time we used it. We may fear that moment, somewhere down the road, when we realize that what has now been discarded might have otherwise come to our rescue.
“I told you you’d need me at some point,” the colourful ball says, while submerged in rubbish 50 miles away.
Similarly, fear over how the world might feel without certain beliefs compels us to hold onto them. It’s scary to envision a confrontation with the bare space in our minds that such an extensive “cognitive clear-out” inevitably exposes. As Marie Kondo puts it, “Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder.”
Getting rid of “stuff”
Each time we get rid of books, clothes and stuffed animals, our rooms stand more revealed. Each time we chisel away at defenses, we ourselves stand more revealed. For a lot of people, this self-revelation is daunting—but it doesn’t have to be. What we often forget is that full discard is not the only option; we can also reshape, expand and modify our limiting beliefs.
Rhoda Mills Sommer writes, “Core beliefs can be changed with a lot of honest hard work. Old, stale ones deserve to be altered because they are defensive and preventing growth. Learning to think through your beliefs and interrupting them means moving to a more complex sense of self which embraces both the good and the bad within and being less defensive.”
One can stretch that tightly compacted ball that says, “Defending my beliefs is more important than hearing others’ perspectives,” into a cushy, flexible oval. “The world isn’t safe if I’m not right most of the time,” can be upgraded to: “Being right helps me feel safe, but hearing my friend’s point of view will help them to feel safe, too, and thereby strengthen our connection. Ultimately, having connections confers more safety than being right does.”
“Sometimes people reap what they sow” could adopt the addendum, “Injustice does exist in the world, and through my own actions, I am capable of helping to make the world a more just place. One such action might include fighting the impulse to rationalize others’ suffering.”
Dedicating this honest effort strengthens our relationships, leading to greater collaboration and increasing our capacity for empathy.
Operating from a renovated belief system (altered belief: “good intentions don’t ensure full-proof results”), the previously mentioned husband might now respond to his wife’s previous expression of feelings by encouraging her to share more.
Life can feel scarier this way. With fewer (or at least more malleable) defenses stationed inside it, the mind is more vulnerable to painful truths.
When you keep in mind, though, that with the pain also comes a greater capacity for a stronger and deeper kind of love, I’d say the effort is well worth it.
«VERWANDTES LESEN» TIME TO CLEAN OUR (MIND) ROOMS: Throwing out beliefs that no longer suit us»
image 1 Photo by Benjamin Davies auf Unsplash 2 Photo by Samantha Gades auf Unsplash 3 Bild von PIRO4D von Pixabay
