Love fearlessly
A once vulnerable heart that would easily shatter into fragments of chaotic, sharp reactions and heartache now repels the bullets of rejection. It attacks with a new and overconfident anger that intimidates, believing that it knows what’s felt and needed, and operates from an arrogant perspective that feels deserving of love.
I believe the power of love and the magic it inspires and creates can only be possible when both parties have equally surrendered to the magnetic energy, temptation and desire—and even the obsession and desperation—that ignites the miracles within us and our higher powers. Maybe I’ve once again released a ghost to roam a delusional world of love, where it resides alone in its search for meaning. Maybe it’s time for me to surrender to a truth I won’t open my eyes to. But my intuition tells me I know best.
Love and joy can manifest in many forms, and I no longer fear dying alone or without a loving companion. But the love I fantasize about and seek in life is a rare and powerful one that—although unrealistic—keeps me from settling into a committed and safe partnership where I’d still find happiness. My heart hasn’t yet aligned with the satisfaction of feeling complete equality, comfort and safety in love. When given, my heart hasn’t been received. When gifted, my uncertain heart declines.
Life and love aren’t always fair, balanced or mutual. There is compromise, sacrifice and uncertainty. There are disagreements and there are concerns. There are fears. Let me love fearlessly and let me be loved. Let my heart be stupid. Let my heart be solid and let my mind melt. Let the force of love find me and let me not force. Let my youthful dreams come alive. Let love triumph.
Let it be.
“Forever” people
Over a lifetime, a huge array of people interweave themselves throughout; all of whom touch us in some way, regardless if they only have a small impact during a brief moment. There are the people we choose to keep in our lives, and who keep us in theirs, and these connections should be carefully chosen.
These are the forever people in our lives who, over time, grow to become people who receive and give deep bedingungslose Liebe and support. These are the people who will care for you when you’re ill or at your bottom, and will lift you up and cheer you on while you’re thriving. These are people who’ll never drag you down from the pursuit of fulfilling your dreams. These people are your equals.
There are also the first and only dates, the strangers you stay up with all night in deep conversation and those you share a smile with and greet on the street. They’ve all touched and moved me, even in the slightest way. They’ve all become a part of my life network and story. They’ve each given me a small flash of memory that pushes me to continue on my journey of curiosity and my search for meaning and inspiration.
They’re all scattered throughout my twisted path, and as they continue to move in and out of my life while my path straightens, those I wisely choose to remain with me on this journey become clear.
My lifelong friendships and unavoidable family relationships that once swayed me with knowledge and opinions no longer have an effect on my insecurity or intelligence. I now embrace my own perspectives, decisions and choices. My once-withered confidence and lack of self-worth, due to feeling ostracized and alone, is now thriving with pride in my differences.
With an open mind and a full heart, I kindly share my thoughts and opinions without expecting or even wanting an agreeable response. This is my story. My life.
Who are you?
Fascination
As wisdom blooms from the depth of my life experiences, my once-foggy path is becoming clear, and my decisions that once were stupid and dangerous are now engrained with caution and care.
By learning the hard way that choices made may have a deep and meaningful effect on myself and others, and gaining knowledge and a healthy fear of the pain these choices once resulted in, my impulsive sprint towards success and accomplishments has slowed to peaceful waves and a calm breeze of wisdom.
With inspiration ignited by love, hope and gratitude, I gracefully weave through discomfort, disappointment and hurt with balance, acceptance and openness to bravery, as well as a discovery of pride. The pride that once motivated me towards fame and fortune has become a slow-burning and growing appreciation of my small steps forward.
A seemingly insignificant improvement now glows from within my once unsatisfied spirit. The spark in my eyes that shines outwards and settles on the eyes of others lights a fire within my soul, with the intention of projecting a reflection of miraculous effect onto those I find genuine, real and fascinating.
Am I fascinating? That’s the greatest compliment of all.
Time ticks onward
I’ll fall asleep to my mind’s celebrations of an accomplished year, and will wake to different numbers on a constantly changing watch that I set with the intention of doing so again next year. I’ll live each day as my last while remaining safe, avoiding the danger of my impulsive mind, and hoping the next 365 days will be lived to the fullest. I hope to consistently tick forward, as I’m also jolted with anticipation by the alarms of life.
The clock of my biology speeds up to the fear that what I’m waiting for will enter my life too late. That my choice to hold out for a kiss that will find me every day of the year, for the rest of my life, adds unnecessary pressure to the air between my lips and theirs. That the desperation I deny the existence of is actually deeply rooted in my desire to share my journey as one with another.
As the clock continues to tick, I get closer to the regrets of chances missed, as well as my hopes and dreams. If only I could turn the knob counterclockwise. If only I could set my alarm to what is destined. If only time stood still in my fantasies. But I’ll closely feel the present time guide me forward, and will only set the timer when needed. For now, I’ll put my watch away.
What time is it?
Wanting it all?
My expectations for love have adapted, and the love I now expect is one of compromise and sacrifice. I feel that I must pick and choose my battles. I feel that the passion brewing in my heart should be shared with only the best and the most deserving, while also remaining aware of my circumstances. My desperation for family is broadening the pool of suitors. My heart is hushed and my mind is awakened.
My fiery attitude checks in with my patience, as I seek balance and question my intentions. I can’t have it all. I don’t want it all, yet it still seems impossible to find a match I’d love for their imperfections and quirks. For their subtle annoyances and slip-ups. For their differences. I want to be challenged, and I want unconditional love and support. I want to be inspired and motivated. I want him to just be there and still ignite life within me.
I want to embrace the love for myself while continuing to grow within a body and mind that isn’t just mine, but is shared in all of its vulnerability and chaos. I want an equal. I want to choose, when it’s not my choice. I want the Universe to show me him. I want my heart to manifest its desires. I want to be the best, and thus attract the best. I want to love what I see, hear and feel. I want my heart to explode into a fantasy that becomes a reality.
Maybe, in fact, I do want it all. And maybe he’s somewhere, waiting for all I have to offer. Maybe, if I keep giving my heart, I’ll finally receive what I’ve asked for.
Hurry.
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