As a lifetime anxiety sufferer, I’ve read it all; I’ve researched to the point of exhaustion and I’ve been taught every coping mechanism known to mankind. Quite literally. My crumbling path is a long, rocky, winding one, filled with good intentions from family, friends, doctors, therapists and myself. It is littered with books, medications, supplements, words and more.
As I’ve entered this middle stage of life, complete with awful hormones and Sandwich Generation responsibilities, my thought process has begun to shift. I find I am naturally coming to terms with many of these aspects of coping on my own. One of them is thinking about my feelings of anxiety as excitement instead of anxiety.
I won’t lie, this has been something that has frustrated me for much of my life. I had no idea how folks who suffered as I did—with intrusive thoughts or constant, debilitating fears—managed to simply ‘shift gears’ and suddenly think happy, excited thoughts, thereby replacing their terror with joy. I didn’t think anyone actually did this. And I’ve been resentful of the idea that it was even possible, mostly because it wasn’t something I was able to imagine, let alone do.
Chaos is my current state
Lately, with the chaos that is my current state of life, I have found I am slowly leaning into this way of thinking. Maybe I have finally come to a spiritual and mental understanding that I have simply run my full course with my own mental suffering.
I am tired of living in fear and worry, even if much of it is simply who I am and how I am. It is just part of my being, and in my DNA. And that is fine. I accepted it ages ago. But the parts that I can control are starting to reconfigure themselves somewhat, or at least accept the crazy, constant fury of ‘what-ifs’ that belch and buzz within my brain daily.
Yes, I am assisted these days with good, calming doses of CBD oil and lots of deep spiritual prayer and devotion. Often, a glass of wine or a bottle of beer is the prescribed fix for that particular evening. In any case, my mindset has begun to ever-so-slightly shift towards a different way of seeing things that are normally fearful to me.
Case in point. I have three beautiful daughters, in various stages of growth. My youngest is a highly sensitive child. At age 10, she is already exhibiting the debilitating anxiety and worry I have lived with for my entire life. She is an empath at heart, and I already know her life ahead is going to be one filled with angst, fear and stress. We are working hard to teach her how to cope now, before she ever has to endure what I have for as long as I have.
My middle girl is your average teen. At 15, she is cheerful, sensitive, sweet and funny. She can sense things in people and is quick to help anyone. My oldest is 20 now, and lives with a diagnosed, chronic and debilitating illness that has robbed her of her teen years and is now challenging her adulthood. She has faced the ugliness of anxiety and depression, along with suicidal tendencies.
It is a daily struggle for me to be the parent I want to be while managing my own mental illness. Having to manage, teach and offer comfort to my daughters has proven to be extremely challenging, but it has also begun to help me heal myself, somewhat.
My oldest and I travel to popular Comicon-style events together now. It’s given her great joy and some normalcy in a life with an illness that is too demanding and often prohibits her from doing much on her own, as a self-reliant adult young woman. So I’m the chosen travel partner and event planner.
While wonderful in many ways—exhilarating yet chaotic—it is also terrifying and anxiety-producing for me most of the time. I hadn’t flown in an airplane in years, since my youth, when I was branching out to meet the world. Back then, while still anxious, I lived by a young person’s ‘I can do anything’ mantra and felt immortal, as young people do. We now have to travel by plane to many of these events, and I won’t deny that it frightens me.
A glimmer of light
Claustrophobia, a fear of heights—all of it is now exaggerated due to the newfound flood of midlife hormonal changes, my age and of course, the responsibilities that have been added to my world. Leaving behind my younger two can send me into a flurry of panic, and you can find me crying myself to sleep in the cool, unfeeling hotel room once we settle into wherever we’ve landed.
It is still far from just fun for me. But I have been doing it. And I can’t deny that while it’s scary, and while I still have the anxiety within, much of that anxiety is shifting to excitement. I can’t really explain it, either. The fears are all there, but this silly excitement exists, wrapped around those fears.
The chaos of travel and the visits to new cities, hotels and restaurants are all helping me face the unknowns of my future, which has always been (and likely will always be) the bane of my anxiety.
While planning some upcoming trips, I am feeling that excitement creeping in, although the fears have not been erased. I’m not exaggerating when I say I can turn a tiny intrusive thought about flying or being so far away from my other two children into a full-blown panic attack, complete with tears and shortness of breath. But I digress.
I can almost see a glimmer of light beyond the scary feelings that sit quietly beneath all of my thoughts. I can envision myself somehow coping on these impending flights, and seeing the new cities. I can imagine myself making plans in these new places: maybe doing some more writing, journaling my experiences and so on. I can pretend I am like everyone else, and just go with it.
Does the fear subside when I think this way? Not that much. But there is more to everything than just the fear, worry and stress. There is joy, even in tiny amounts. There is the excitement of accomplishment, pride and happiness at the end of it all.
I am not only doing it for my oldest daughter. I am teaching my other children that you can flip the switch of anxiety to excitement, even in small ways, and that this can give you some relief from your anxiety and show you the way to hope and joy.
And if I can do it at this age, they certainly can manage it while they’re young, and by the time they’re my age, they will be well on their way towards using much better coping mechanisms and cultivating a joyful mindset.
«VERWANDTES LESEN» SECURITY VS. INSECURITY: How an adult’s early years may affect their level of anxiety»
