There’s nothing quite like the feeling of falling in love.
It’s what prompts songwriters to work their craft. The pursuit of love brings us to movie theatres for rom-coms and fills conversations with our friends. Fairy tales instill in us the hope of finding that one special someone who will make our heart flutter with their mere presence.
With love, everything is possible. Life is endlessly beautiful, calories don’t count, and when you’re in it, you believe it’ll last forever.
In other words, the heady throes of new, romantic love is unrealistic and unsustainable.
With their feet firmly planted in the reality of the present, and always mindful of life’s unavoidable end, it might seem that Stoics would try to avoid the stomach flutters of falling in love or loving anyone at all. But that’s not the case. Still, like anything seen through the Stoic lens of life, love means keeping control of oneself despite emotions that may want to run wild.
After all, romantic love is just one type of love expression. Below, we’ll examine Stoicism on love and the different ways Stoics express affection from a variety of angles.
Adapt yourself to the life you have been given and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you.
Marcus Aurelius
Love’s bittersweet importance
Despite most marriage vows ending with, “’til death do us part,” many people treat their relationships as if they’ll never end. “I don’t want to think about death. It’s depressing,” they say. But denying the reality of death doesn’t make it untrue. In fact, viewing life with that eventuality in mind lends an urgency to making the most of precious time with a partner.
Seen this way, love takes on a bittersweet importance. Even if the relationship goes the distance, it’ll eventually conclude. Most likely, one partner will survive the other and be forced to create a new existence alone. However, one can’t predict the future with a reliable degree of accuracy. This is another reason Stoics live in the present moment and concentrate on enjoying what they have, while being ever mindful of the possibility of loss.
Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding.
Seneca
Not repressed but regulated
Love, for Stoics, is just another emotion that’s not to be repressed, but regulated. One can’t help feeling love any more than they can help feeling scared in an earthquake or uneasy about the results of a medical test. Those initial feelings are almost an automatic reaction to the event. It’s what Stoics do with these emotions, the information from their nervous system, that matters.
Every sensation is weighed against the four Stoic virtues: temperance, justice, wisdom and courage. With an emotion like love, it’s temperance that has the greatest role, as Stoics endeavour not to get carried away by their feelings—even positive ones such as love. Stoics love deeply and completely, but they temper their emotional response to conform to life’s realities.
Would a Stoic purchase a dozen red roses for their partner on Valentine’s Day? Absolutely, if they wished. Would they let their imagination run wild about a fantastical future with their beloved? Absolutely not. This kind of daydreaming has no purpose beyond, perhaps, endorphin release. It’s not wise, nor is it tempered. Wishing for something to happen or change can’t compare to acting towards that change. Wasting time on theoretical wishes, no matter how good they feel, is anti-Stoic.
Freedom isn’t secured by filling up on your heart’s desire but by removing your desire.
Epictetus
The Stoics approach sexual desire in the same way as they do love. It must be tempered, lest it take us over. Reason must always be applied to emotional responses, and Stoics avoid extremes.
Expressing love and desiring sex are natural things, and living in accordance with nature is a big part of being Stoic. But when love turns to obsession, or lust becomes all-consuming, emotions have taken control. Living a virtuous life is a Stoic’s goal, but so is living a life that’s undisturbed by outside influence. Therefore, the Stoic tempers how they feel, whether it’s high or low.
It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
Epictetus
A musical representation of stoicism on love
Let’s use music to represent human emotions.
A snappy, fast-paced tune represents happiness at its highest level. At the other end is a low, slow and mournful sound, perhaps made by a lone tuba, representing deep sadness. A Stoic’s emotions reside somewhere in the middle of the range, in a light, easygoing, predictable rhythm with no drum solo, no electric guitar and no vocalist to disturb the flow.
The momentary excitement of feeling instant chemistry with another person brings pleasure, but the Stoic tempers it with facts. Chemistry alone doesn’t make a great partnership. You know nothing about this person, and relationships are difficult, so take it as it comes. Wait and see. Allowing oneself to get caught up in a blissful feeling isn’t remaining rooted in reality, and reality is where the Stoic lives.
Stoicism also acknowledges that a life without a significant other can be as fulfilling—perhaps even more so—than a shared life. A toxic or abusive relationship damages the Stoic virtues, especially courage and wisdom, and living virtuously is the goal. One doesn’t need another person to accomplish it. One can love in many ways, such as by loving family, pets, colleagues and those for whom they do volunteer work, just to name a few.
Self-love is also an important aspect of Stoicism. Without respect and love for oneself, the Stoic couldn’t maintain a virtuous life.
Love that’s rooted in reality
An advantage to having a Stoic as a romantic partner is that they’re fully invested in the relationship. Stoics love deeply. They approach relationships with care, so as to not become overwhelmed by their own feelings.
That being said, this doesn’t make a Stoic any less susceptible to falling in love. It only means that they’ll prevent themselves from coming on too strong or making promises they’re not prepared to keep. They recognize that love doesn’t mean ownership, and they’ll endeavour to root their love in reality.
How wonderful it is to be genuinely loved for who you are, not who someone imagines you to be!
«LECTURE CONNEXE» STOICISM FOR INNER PEACE: Living life in the moment with equanimity»
image : geralt
