My social media channels were recently peppered with a “new” perspective on other people’s behaviour called the “Let Them Theory.”
In short, if someone wants to behave in a way that you disapprove of, let them. If a friend is ghosting you, don’t chase after them and force communication. Let them do what they want and live their own life.
Of course, this approach isn’t new at all. It’s in the Serenity Prayer, which, in part, states: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And it’s a cornerstone of Stoic philosophy, as we accept that the only behaviour we can change is our own.
As a teen girl growing up in the 1970s, somehow I—and all of my girlfriends—acquired the idea that if we molded ourselves into better, prettier and more compliant young women, the young men we had our eyes on would magically morph into the perfect boyfriends. Their poor behaviour, their lack of promised phone calls, and their dating of multiple girls and lying about it was our problem to fix.
Magazines and advertising perpetuated that myth in those days. If a man behaved inappropriately, the first question was, what were you doing and wearing to cause him to act that way?
However, what was true then is true now. You can’t cause anyone to do anything. A person’s response is their responsibility, no matter the circumstances. And if that response isn’t the same as mine, and I disapprove, that’s no one else’s issue but my own. It’s not for me to try to change someone, so I’d be better off accepting their behaviour or moving on.
Stoics are taught to manage their own expectations and responses, but not to spend time concerning themselves with the behaviour of others. If we have a friend who tends to overreact to situations, it’s not for us to try to change her or feel like we have it together and she does not. Tomorrow, there will be a new test of our resolve. Our own behaviour is all that’s within our control. There is no judgment or comparison-making—except within us, to do better than we did last time.
It’s true, though, that those who are drawn to the Stoic way of life will naturally gravitate toward someone who exemplifies it. As such, Stoics are modelling a behaviour that may be attractive to other people who might ask about it. That’s a different story.
Stoics aren’t out to recruit or convert anybody. It’s not a religion and there’s no club to join or any judgmental eyes watching us. But we are happy to share our journey with anyone who shows interest. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, “We practice attraction, rather than promotion.”
Don’t waste precious time
The Let Them Theory and the Serenity Prayer are essentially saying the same thing as being stoic: Don’t waste any of your precious time in this life attempting to force or convince someone or something (a circumstance) to change. And don’t, even for a minute, think you are better than another person or know what’s best for them.
The Stoic accepts the behaviour of others—within reason, of course. If someone is abusive, even a Stoic would remove themselves from the situation. But even in a case like this, the Stoic would change their own circumstances and realize that’s all they can control.
Stoics care deeply about other people and the planet. They believe in dignity for everyone, regardless of any characteristics such as race or sexual orientation.
How much time and effort have you spent hoping someone will change? Believing their promises even as they slide back into old ways? Addiction counsellors know there’s little point in attempting to get someone off drugs if they’re only doing it to please another person. It’s when they decide to do it for themselves that they’ve got a shot at success.
Stoics care deeply about other people and the planet. They believe in dignity for everyone, regardless of any characteristics such as race or sexual orientation. As such, they respect everyone’s fundamental right to lead their own lives in the way they see fit.
Stoics’ actions aren’t determined by what happens around us, but the decisions we make within us, so we respect the line of responsibility towards others. We are helpful, encouraging and loving. But we know our limitations and the limitations of life itself. We love, but we’re rational, too. Our loved ones will one day die, as will we. So, the time for our best behaviour is now, before it’s too late.
This is part of accepting the world and its inhabitants the way they are instead of wishing for them to conform to an ideal we’ve imagined. We have enough of our own weaknesses and flaws to work on. We don’t need to take on those of others.
Knowing where that line is and remembering not to cross it is much easier said than done, especially for a parent or the partner of a person in crisis. Being Stoic doesn’t mean we don’t help them, but we don’t impose our help on them. The Let Them Theory is Stoicism in action, no matter what you choose to call it.
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image 1: Marcos Vinicius Rodrigues Limaالصورة 2: Gerd Altmann
