Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.
Seneca
How many times have you heard someone described as being willing to “give someone the shirt off their back?” And when you hear this, what does it mean to you?
At first blush, it probably appears that the person is kind, generous, thoughtful and empathetic. But my first thought is, I hope he has more shirts.
There’s kindness and then there’s taking kindness to the extreme.
Stoics believe in kindness and compassion in accordance with the four virtues: wisdom, justice, courage and temperance. Showing kindness is virtuous when it’s done within reason. It’s human nature to be kind to others—to animals, to children, to anyone at all. As Stoics strive to maintain a balance in their lives, they’re kind to themselves first by not depleting their own resources.
It might seem counterintuitive to place limits on kindness, but for the Stoic, it’s reasonable and sensible. Think of it like the advice you receive from a flight attendant in a safety demonstration. They explain that oxygen masks will drop in the case of low cabin pressure. “Secure your own mask before helping someone else with theirs,” they say.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Aesop
Energy vampires and kindness
Each one of us has come in contact with an energy vampire. This is a person who uses you as a dumping ground for endless problems that are actually within the person’s own power to change. For some people, complaining about their life is more comfortable than taking action.
Stoicism, however, shows us that growth lies in discomfort. Pushing past familiar patterns leads us to the life we want. That could mean ending friendships and other relationships, eating healthier, giving up a bad habit, or leaving behind any number of other activities that aren’t compatible with Stoic values.
The Stoic doesn’t judge the energy vampire but they also don’t rush to assist them by submitting themselves to repetitive long monologues. Part of moving past discomfort is letting go of the desire to save people, even if only from themselves. Each one of us is on a unique journey through life, and we’re responsible for our own progress. We can’t allow anyone else to impede our growth by affecting us in a negative way.
In other words, any kindness given shouldn’t be taken from our kindness to ourselves.
Energy vampires have a way of finding a new source to emotionally drain, so they don’t need us as much as it might seem.
Man is born for deeds of kindness.
Marcus Aurelius
Quid pro quo?
Another aspect of Stoicism kindness is not expecting reciprocity. Frankly, we know that people tend to forget what we’ve done for them, so there’s no point in expecting a quid pro quo when it comes to our actions.
Perhaps you also had this experience as a young person moving away from home and starting a career. You were there to help your friends move into their first apartments, but when it came time for you to hike your meagre furniture into your own place, very few of your friends were available. It’s a common story and a hard lesson to learn. You don’t always get back what you put out, even later in life.
By using temperance or moderation, Stoics put in only as much effort as they can reasonably spare. When they don’t expect anything in return, including praise, they’re never disappointed.
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus
Being kind in big and small ways
There are big and small ways to be kind to others without being unkind to yourself. Hauling a couch up a flight of stairs isn’t always necessary. Here are three suggestions:
Listening: Offering an empathetic ear without judgment in a friend’s time of crisis or stress.
Assistance: Helping someone with a chore cuts their effort in half.
Sustenance: Each payday, a friend of mine purchases a few 10-dollar gift cards from a grocery or drug store and gives one to each of the homeless people he sees. This doesn’t affect his family’s quality of life and it makes a real difference to those he gifts. Plus, kindness feels good.
If it is not right, do not do it, if it is not true, do not say it.
Marcus Aurelius
Sometimes saying “no” is kind
An important word in the Stoic vocabulary is “no.” Learning to say no without a long, involved explanation why is a powerful thing. You can simply say no because you don’t want to do it, and that’s reason enough.
I used to wonder why I wasn’t as enthusiastic as other women when it came to getting together in large groups. I’d say yes to attending everything from wedding showers for women I barely knew to Tupperware home parties when I already had all of the kitchen storage and gadgets I needed. Then, I’d have a knot in my stomach until the day arrived. I’d either show up in the midst of an anxiety attack or bail at the last minute.
How was that being kind to anyone, least of all me?
It doesn’t matter that group activities make me uncomfortable. What matters is honouring what I feel and setting healthy boundaries.
Once I started saying no thank you and leaving it at that, the challenge I anticipated never materialized. It was fine. They could get along without me. I truly wasn’t that important. It was a great relief. Instead of doing something “for other people,” I spent some time doing something that pleased me and brought me joy.
I was kind to myself. And I’m kind to others in separate ways.
Stoicism kindness in a nutshell
Stoics believe that living a virtuous life means to accept what we can and can’t control, and to live in tune with nature, of which we are a part. Kindness to others is definitely a component of that philosophy, but in order of importance, it must rank only after kindness to ourselves.
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