For the past eight months, I have thought about death every single day. My mind would get stuck thinking about the spectrum of life and death and the idea that maybe both are intertwined. These thoughts were brought on by the news that an old friend had passed. In the early days of hearing the news, I filled my time with lots of long walks and even more questions.
The thing about death is that it makes you question everything. The logical views I once had were gone, and I was filled with only emotions. My mind was consumed with theories about what happens after death. Attending Catholic school all my life meant I was exposed to death at an early age, through the concept of heaven and hell. I could not comprehend the idea that when we are gone, we are really, truly gone.
Maybe I’m selfish because I did not want to only exist in people’s minds and hearts. With immense sadness comes immense awareness, and I became aware of everything around me because I was wondering where souls may be hiding.
A time of mourning
During my period of mourning, I went to visit a friend in another city. We were in his backyard lying in the grass, just looking up at the trees, and it started to rain a bit. As we laid there with the light rain falling on us, he told me all about how trees can communicate with each other. And that was one of those times where the right thing was said at exactly the right time, because if trees can speak to each other, then maybe it isn’t so ridiculous that I spend so much time trying to communicate with people who have passed.
I felt peace in that moment. Later, as we sat in his living room playing cards, I felt peace then, too. Some moments just feel so perfect that everything makes sense. I realized right then how much I enjoyed living. I cannot make myself believe that all of this will one day stop, just because my body does.
Maybe souls come right back, and I’ve already seen everyone I have lost again. Or maybe we never actually leave. The only thing I was sure of, without a doubt, is that we would all meet again. No matter what comes after, no matter where we go, we will all find each other.
It has taken me a while to organize my thoughts and to write this. During that time, I wondered if I meant what I was saying, about people never really leaving after they pass. But then I went down by le lac and saw people gathered by the water, looking at three baby swans whose lives had just begun. A few yards away, on the water’s edge, I saw baby geese taking very wobbly first steps. Across the lake, there was a group of baby ducks swimming with their parents.
It was all truly beautiful. This all occurred in just one day. Maybe it was simply the season of birth, or maybe it was something else. I’m leaning towards it being something else.
A grapefruit seed
A few months ago, I opened a grapefruit, and inside was a seed that had a bit of green poking out. It had started to sprout. I was amazed that life had begun inside this fruit. I planted the seed in a tiny pot of soil and began watering it every day. This happened two more times, on separate occasions. It truly felt like a miracle.
I had no idea of the excitement I would find in watching a grapefruit seed grow. Nor did I expect the feeling of purpose I have experienced each day when I water it. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I saw those little green sprouts pushing through the soil, things just felt OK again. Those seeds have become my anchor to reality, to knowing that despite everything, there will always be life.
If heaven is an emotion or a state of mind, then I’ve already been there and experienced it many times.
I’ve realized that life exists in more ways than I can comprehend. Every day, new species of plants and animals are discovered. Fungal networks allow trees to speak. Life is just so strange. All of this means that the idea that people can be gone forever just doesn’t make sense to me.
Before, whenever I saw a cloud with light shining through, I believed I’d found heaven. Now I find heaven under rocks and inside anthills. I’ve also found heaven in people. Some people are just so special, they make everything OK. If heaven is an emotion or a state of mind, then I’ve already been there and experienced it many times. Maybe it isn’t this secret place after all.
I used to want to live forever, because I thought death was this big scary thing. But as time passes and people pass, death becomes less about leaving the world and more about finding the people you love once again. Now, I know the people who will greet me wherever I end up. I also know who I will look for when I see an animal that seems extra-friendly or a caterpillar that wants to be near me. Or maybe even a sprouting grapefruit seed.
I know I will see everyone again, but I will never stop looking while I’m here.
«LECTURE CONNEXE» THE TIMELESS MOMENT: 2 dialogues and a poem about thoughts, existence and death»
image 1 Jill Wellington de image: Pixabay 2 images par S. Hermann & F. Richter de image: Pixabay
