I’m currently between living situations. In other words, I’m homeless. I don’t own the key to any door, because there’s no door that leads to a place I can call my own.
I’m not without options and resources. I know someday I’ll have my own place again. For the time being, though, I’m figuring out how to live life without a home and without a plan. It’s only been possible with a little help from my friends,
I had a plan for my life. It would have worked if I were someone else. I tried being that person until I couldn’t try anymore. I’m in the process of assembling a new plan for my life, one that reflects my true self. It’s going to take time.
I’ve spent years pretending to be something I’m not: Namely, someone who’s able to conform to a regular nine-to-five life. For years, I had to shape myself into a form that was acceptable to others in my effort to support myself and retain my financial independence. Little did I know that I was completely abandoning myself in the process, building a life that looked less and less like it belonged to me.
I had to find a way to start over. I had to leave the person I was pretending to be behind, as well as the inauthentic life that she had created for me to live.
City mouse, suburbs mouse
Life has been chaotic and unstable ever since I left my full-time job and, a few short months later, my apartment. Toronto is an expensive place to live, especially if you’re not working much.
I left my city life to go stay with my best friend in Burlington. I thought I would be there for three weeks. I ended up staying for three months.
I’m extremely grateful that my friend was able to offer me her extra bedroom to crash in. There were many nice things about staying with her in her suburban home. I got to spend time with her in a way I hadn’t done since we were roommates at university. We went for a walk almost every night and shared our worries and dreams, as we used to all those years ago.
It was also very difficult adjusting to life in the suburbs. I’ve lived in Toronto for more than 15 years, and 10 of those were spent living by myself. Now I was living with my friend, her husband and her two children, in what felt like the middle of nowhere.
In Burlington, it took 45 minutes to walk to the closest coffee shop. I suffered serious withdrawal: As a writer and artist, coffee shops have always been a big part of my lifestyle. I struggled with many inconveniences while I was in the suburbs, but this one was particularly challenging to contend with.
A little help from my friends
Thankfully, I’m back in Toronto now, surrounded by coffee shops once again. A friend of mine is in Australia and I have her apartment for a month. It’s in the Annex, one of the most vibrant parts of Toronto. It also happens to be my favourite part of the city. It’s a temporary reprieve from having to figure out where I’m living next, but one I intend to enjoy as much as I can.
I’m only able to navigate this new phase of my life—where my old plan for my life fell apart and I haven’t formed a new one yet—with the generosity, kindness and encouragement of my friends. I often feel that they’re better friends than I deserve, and at times it’s been difficult to accept what they’ve been offering me. It simply isn’t in my nature to rely on the kindness of others.
Perhaps what I’m going through now is the Universe showing me that not only is it OK to ask for help, but sometimes, it’s entirely necessary.
I remind myself that regardless of whatever I think—or thought—the plan for my life should be, the Universe has a plan of its own for me. I’m starting to think that my only goal should be to align myself with it the best that I can.
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фото 1 Birgit Böllinger с Pixabay 2 изображение за madsmith33 с Pixabay
