In late July, I experienced my first concussion. It took me five days to realize this. I’d hit my head, felt extremely dizzy the following day and had a large bump, but I didn’t make the connection.
It wasn’t until I was at work on day four, and found myself unable to send a basic email, that I realized something was off. I went right from work to urgent care where, seven hours later, I was told I had a concussion. I was given a list of things to avoid, such as cell phones, bright lights and television. I was also told that everybody heals differently, and then I was sent home.
Working full-time night shifts at a place that’s quite loud, with incredibly bright lights, I knew I needed to take some time off. A few weeks prior, all I wanted was to have a week off work. I had so much to do, but simply didn’t have the time. Now, I had nothing but time, but I still found myself unable to do any of the things I wanted to.
Struggling to stay off my phone
The first week, I spent most of my time in my bed with all the lights out, listening to an audiobook on my phone. I tried to stay off the phone, but still felt compelled to reply to every text message I got. Telling people I had a concussion quickly turned to long conversations that hurt my head.
The first week was the worst, and I had to actually shut my phone off to prevent myself from using it. My phone is only ever off when it’s dead, so that was a huge adjustment. Up until the concussion, I had no idea how much I relied on technology. I was used to eating while I watched television, sending emails and doing lots of writing. Even if I set my laptop to its lowest brightness setting, it still bothered me, and I still was unable to properly articulate what I was trying to say, in person or on the computer.
I was unable to think quickly, I couldn’t talk on the phone because I couldn’t process what the other person was saying quickly enough to respond in a timely manner, and I found it quite embarrassing. I wasn’t used to doing nothing, and I found the whole process so boring. I would get so stressed out, I’d cry. I felt useless, and I realized rather quickly that I equate productivity with success, with purpose. Without being able to be productive, I felt quite depressed.
Making pies
The one thing I was able to do was make pies. I have lots of cookbooks, so I found a basic recipe and just kept switching the filling. I really enjoyed the process and the lack of thinking involved, as it became so repetitive. It was nice to be able to feel a small sense of accomplishment when each pie was finished.
I had to rethink my views about productivity being the same as purpose. My definition of “productive” changed, as on some days, taking a shower and making a pie left me feeling incredibly accomplished.
I was forced to check in with myself more than I ever had before. It was summer, and there were so many things I wanted to do, but something as simple as going out for coffee in the morning was just too much. The daylight, the conversations and staying awake were all things I was struggling with.
I also felt guilty about missing so much work. People had told me about their concussions, and how their time off ranged from three days to one week. I wondered why it was so much longer for me. Someone even told me I was just experiencing a placebo effect, and that I was really completely fine.
I grew worried that everyone thought similar things—that people thought I was just exaggerating and faking it—and that mindset made me incredibly stressed. I stopped feeling able to talk about how I felt, and I was pushing myself to do things I knew would accentuate my symptoms. I felt like I could trust my brain even less than before.
It took one failed attempt to return to work and several appointments with my doctor before I started going easier on myself and began to trust myself instead.
Trusting myself
It occurred to me that this new approach to trusting myself needed to go further than my concussion. Whenever I’m sick, I question the validity of it, and I’m always hesitant to take sick days, even though my job is extremely understanding.
I also thought about trusting myself in relation to my mental illness. Whenever I go through a wave of depression, I have trouble accomplishing things. I get stressed more easily and spend most of my time sleeping, similar to my experience while recovering from my concussion. And of course, there are the ongoing external and internal voices telling me that I’m completely fine and just faking it.
It took a lot of work to be patient with myself and adjust my standards while I was concussed, but now that I know how, I’m hoping that this is something I can bring forward the next time I’m ill (physically or mentally).
So much of the time was a blur. My days were a mix of confusion and sleep, and I can’t remember much past what I’ve written about here. I returned to work after a month of being off, but I still experienced symptoms for three months after.
It was a difficult period of time, filled with mindfulness and self-reflection. It’s hard for me to look at the experience as more than a big inconvenience, but I know it was more than that, although I’ll still take choice relaxation over forced relaxation any day.
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