No one wakes up in the morning and hopes they’ll upset their loved ones or start a fight. You want to get along with the people closest to you, but you might have a complicated history with some people that results in unhealthy relationships.
Here are 12 tips for setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. With a bit of work, everyone can get more joy and fulfillment from each interaction.
Consider your needs
What do you want from your relationship with a particular family member or friend? Sometimes people only want to have polite conversations when they interact with a certain person. Other times, they desire a more profound connection that results in a close friendship. You’ll know which boundaries are best after thinking about what you need from your relationship with the individual you have in mind.
Identify your main concerns
When you’re about to talk to or hang out with a family member or friend, do you suffer from physical symptoms of anxiety or stress, like excessive sweating or an upset stomach? Maybe you lose sleep at night before meeting with this person. It’s always helpful to identify the main concerns you want to address in regard to your interactions, because you’ll be able to pinpoint boundaries that effectively address your needs.
Evaluate your shared history
Desiring healthy boundaries is admirable, but not always practical. The shared history between you and a family member or friend may prevent you from ever becoming as close as you’d like. It’s challenging to move on from a complicated past if you share many years or decades of hurt. Think about whether your history is something you can both learn from and leave behind, or if it’s a roadblock to a healthy relationship.
Set realistic expectations
When you want to set new boundaries for a relationship, you’ll also have to set fresh expectations. Consider what, exactly, you want from the healthy limits that work best for your relationship with a particular individual. Having a close friendship might not be realistic if you don’t share anything in common with a family member or friend.
Don’t expect changes that you can’t realistically achieve—down the road, that may cause you to be hard on yourself for not meeting your goals. It’s critical to set and maintain reasonable expectations for your future relationship and your inner peace.
Check with an expert
If it feels too complicated to safely work on a relationship yourself, check in with an expert. A therapist can walk you through any questions you might have and reframe things to help you get a healthier perspective. This is one of the best ways to help yourself set healthy boundaries, especially if you choose a counsellor specializing in the type of relationship you have in mind.
Learn to be tactful with your vocabulary
Word choices can be the trigger for explosive arguments. Even if your intentions are good, everyone interprets a conversation’s meaning through the words and tones they hear. Learn specific phrases or word choices that will help you maintain firm boundaries without seeming unkind.
If you get into an awkward situation, address the problem at hand by starting with phrases like:
- It makes me uncomfortable when you…
- Your body language makes me feel uneasy because…
- I can’t help with that, but here’s someone who can…
There are many ways to say no without seeming mean or setting someone off. Practice the appropriate phrases with people you trust to gain more confidence in your ability not to cross your boundaries when you’re anxious, fearful or uncomfortable.
Avoid toxic body language
When you have to stand firm in your boundaries, your body language can make you seem aggressive or open. It depends on how you position yourself while stating what you need. Before interacting with a toxic individual, learn about open and closed body language to reflect on how you present yourself.
Sometimes it makes a significant difference to pay attention to what you’re saying without ever speaking. Suppose your body language demonstrates your positive intentions and the person isn’t receptive. In that case, it’s likely a good time to walk away from the conversation until you’re both ready to listen and learn.
Encourage yourself with positive self-talk
Repairing a relationship with unhealthy boundaries takes time, and you might become discouraged if the positive changes don’t happen right away. You’re the only person who can battle your inner voice, so it’s best to start each day with positive self-affirmations to fight doubt and self-judgment. You’ll get in the habit of encouraging yourself and become less likely to cross your new boundaries.
Watch for emotional weight
Working on a relationship may mean digging through a complicated history together. When the other person starts unloading their emotional weight, be careful with how you handle it. Sometimes people carry another person’s baggage and don’t realize it until they start experiencing side effects like:
- Snapping due to a short temper
- Anxiety related to taking on the person’s responsibilities
- Jumping to apologize or explain away someone’s actions
Don’t become another person’s therapist as you share more about yourselves and clarify boundaries. If you become mentally drained by talking with someone or feel like you’re doing all the work in the relationship, it could be time to find a counsellor to mediate the conversations.
Surround yourself with positive people
It’s always helpful to surround yourself with people who support your well-being. Other friends and family members should stand by your side while you get used to setting boundaries. They can encourage you if you need a helping hand or become a source of positivity when self-doubt becomes a problem. It’s much easier to stay firm in your goals when you don’t feel alone.
Maintain self-care
Positive change still requires your time and energy. Before you start feeling drained, pick up self-care habits that restore your inner peace. They should fit into your routine and be easy to maintain, like casually learning to knit or taking a nature walk. Try different activities to see which ones put your mind at ease.
Make a fear checklist
If you’ve worked on a relationship for a while and think it’s finally healthy, run through a fear checklist that you create yourself. It should include anything that tips you off to an uncomfortable or toxic environment, like your upset stomach or the urge to hold back your authentic self around a person.
Any relationship that results in your primary fear responses isn’t healthy. You might need to set new boundaries to make it work, or seriously consider leaving the relationship alone. Sometimes, it’s best to accept the way things are with someone and find your happiness somewhere else.
Repair bonds—or walk away?
These are some of the best tips for setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. Consider each step and apply the ones you find useful to any relationship you’d like to improve. With time and practice, you’ll either start repairing a broken bond with a loved one or realize that it’s best to walk away.
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