Two girls having an animated discussion

MINDFUL CONVERSATIONS: Finding space for a mindful conversation in a technology dependent world

Last updated: April 8th, 2019

We live in a world that, in part thanks to technology, is slowly losing the ability for having conversations that matter and therefore changing how we are in relationships with ourselves, with others, and within our communities.

We’ve grown dependent on technology. And while this provides us with the capabilities for real-time engagement, ironically it’s giving us less—less time to have conversations that matter, with real people.

Parents text during meals and even double-check emails before going to sleep. Kids text one another at the same birthday party, and are on Instagram while in class. At work, colleagues message one another throughout the day for sanity-support using their devices, work on presentations during meetings, and send emails to cover their asses, protecting themselves from future repercussions. We send emojis instead of words, true emotions and intimate connection.

While technology has advanced society unlike any other time in the past 50 years, it’s created deeper pools of challenges and stresses. It’s widened the gap of disconnection. And we are becoming—if not, are—the loneliest generation. People are turning to various devices to combat their feelings of isolation.

Technology allows us to put our attention where we want it to be. It enables our voices to be heard. It comforts, drawing us away from feelings of loneliness. We’re becoming lost and more vulnerable, turning to external sources to help us cope and manage. In doing so, it has been central to changing our psyches.

Technology has helped create an illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.

Why? Because we’re anxious of how we’re perceived and judged, fearful of standing out, afraid of intimacy, longing to belong, to be accepted for who we are without apologies. We’re uncertain how to handle really being seen.

Over the decades, society has turned to the use of external sources like over-spending, sex, alcohol and narcotics to numb their feelings.

Technology is the new drug.

That’s our current reality. It’s become the latest epidemic addiction. It fills the void when we feel alone.

The moment we’re alone, we panic, anxiety kicks in, and we reach for our devices. Think about it. Stopped at a red light, sitting in a waiting room, at the check-out line, even waiting for your Uber ride to take to your Airbnb destination.  We look to fill a void in that moment.

People are forgetting and perhaps, don’t know what it means or how to be alone. This isn’t a generational issue, it’s a systemic problem.

Being alone isn’t bad and yet there’s a societal belief that it can be cured through connection that’s easily available through technology. What this fails to do is address the underlying issue of how people think about themselves.

We use technology to define ourselves and then express this version outwards, for the world to see. We get to clean up how we show up—edit our texts, delete this, add that, retouch—to get it right. We share stories, feelings and random thoughts in the moment. We text these brain farts, post the lengthier versions perhaps, and we fabricate the brand of who we are in order to resonate with the right audience, group or friends.

The problem is, we fail to connect. Most times dialogue via technology is one way and this triggers us in new ways. We start to not feel “like ourselves,” pushing more content out, setting ourselves up to be further isolated.

We’re sacrificing real conversation for connection.

We short-change ourselves of what it means to have relationships—deep, caring, intimate connection with another human being. Flight from conversation compromises our capacity for self-reflection.

Isolation surfaces when we fail to allow ourselves the capacity for solitude and reflection. It’s in this precious time where we find ourselves, discover things and can connect with others to form real attachments. When we don’t give ourselves this alone time, we turn to others to help us feel less anxious, to help us feel alive.

Mindfully maintaining the art of conversation

Human relationships are rich, dynamic, messy and even demanding. Having conversations means it happens in real-time and therefore, with real people. Hiding behind technology impacts our capability for conversation. It’s a vicious circle really.

Relying on external measures, we lose sight of who we most naturally are and how to engage in deep, meaningful, intimate and sometimes provocative conversations—with a real human being.

Conversation creates intimacy, connection, belonging. We’re heading down a path that threatens what we’re most desperate to have.

Next time you pick up your phone, tablet, or place your hands over the keyboard on your desk, stop and ask yourself if a “real” conversation, using your voice, would better serve the situation.

That’s step one—being mindful of how you engage yourself and with others.

[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]Sophie Turner is a professional coach, mentor, facilitator, social entrepreneur and creator of the Marquee Profile and founder of The Conversation Project, inspiring action for conscious living.

image: Girls gossiping via Shutterstock