Woman in nature - writing

FRIENDSHIP INVENTORY: Stop chasing friendships to find true growth

Last updated: April 2nd, 2019

It seems like my whole life I’ve heard how you really find out who you are when you hit your 40s. I found that to be a curious statement because I always considered myself to be a strong, confident woman. I thought, “Boy, whoever really believes that must not have much faith in themselves.” But as the years went by, a funny thing happened. I started to find my true strength.

The farther I got into my 40s, the more I understood what that statement really meant. To me, it was profound. There wasn’t one magical day when I woke up and looked in the mirror at a changed woman staring back at me, aside from a new day’s variation of my curly-haired bed head. It was more of a slow simmer, a gradual appreciation of my strengths, a more gentle kindness to myself. A decreased tolerance for pettiness and people or things that will somehow steal my sparkle, personal or professional. I became more interested in taking stock of who I am and where I am in my life, of how and with whom I want to be spending my days. Of the appreciation for and value I can bring to the world around me.

And that’s about the time I vowed never to chase after friendships again.

In order to have personal growth, you have to open yourself to reflection and introspection. You have to be willing to ask the hard questions and have candid conversations with yourself. Those conversations will sometimes make you uncomfortable, or other times expose the real reasons why you’ve done or said or believed things your whole life. The revelations will lead to your true growth.

It was during those self-discussions that I recognized that for much of my life I have chased friendships. Not only that, but once I started taking a sort of “friendship inventory,” I discovered that this pattern went back as far as high school.

How is chasing a friendship different than cultivating one? Chasing is much more one-sided. Chasing means one person is doing all the work. One person is initiating contact, suggesting outings, fostering the conversations, asking the questions. Get-togethers revolve around their tastes and schedule. Conversations centre on them. In return, there will be some interest, maybe a certain degree of reciprocity. To the outside world it may have all the semblance of a healthy friendship. To me it often felt like we were inseparable.

But a funny thing eventually happened. When I stopped being the initiator, the friendship would invariably whither into nothingness. Looking back through the fine-tuned lens of hindsight, I realize that eventually I was the only one working to keep those friendships alive, and that’s not healthy.

It’s true, all friendships require work. All relationships do, for that matter. They need to be nurtured and watered in order to grow and thrive. Both sides need to equally contribute to the growth and maintenance of the relationship. But when the work becomes lopsided despite your best efforts, it’s time to step back and let it fall away.

When you chase friendships you lose yourself. You stop placing importance on your own identity, likes, dislikes, and values, and shift all that to the other person. Insecurities blossom when calls aren’t returned or conversations turn one-sided.

As I take stock of my past, I recognize how that pattern happened over and over throughout the years. A seemingly larger-than-life friendship would form only to eventually disappear when I called off the chase. Believe me, that revelation is not exactly an ego boost. It really made me question friendships at different points in my life. Friendships that felt like they would last forever eventually fell apart. It made me question whether it was something I was doing or not doing. It made me analyze my words and actions. My reactions. It made me wonder why those friendships I willed to last and grow didn’t, while some others in my life have quietly, effortlessly endured for decades.

Along the way I realized it doesn’t matter. Those temporary friendships taught me a great lesson even if it took until now to recognize it. They taught me that while I was busy looking for validation from someone else, I was damaging my own self-worth. I was putting too much stock in what other people thought of me. They taught me to value myself, respect myself, and to honour my own strength. They taught me to cherish and appreciate those enduring friendships that softly knock at your door, year after year, welcomed each time with open arms. The ones where it doesn’t matter if it’s been six months or six years since you last shared a laugh; you pick up right where you left off. Those are the ones to hold close to your heart. And those are the ones that most likely reflect your true self.

Left behind is a trail of “what happened?” But as anyone knows, the real adventure in life lies on the path ahead, not in the route you took to get here.

Read more on this topic in FRIEND OR ACQUAINTANCE: When to stick by a friend and when to let go»


image: Young woman sitting via Shutterstock
  1. When I was in the villages I was always the one going to see or visit my friends, that went on for years.
    I left the village and not one single person called, my parents passed away and only 1 of the friend turned up, who has kept in touch since the age of 11, I tormented myself and asked why,the sad fact is if you put more time into a friendship that the others ” then is not a true friendship.
    I wish I would have not been so soft, if I was to give advice by all means keep in touch, but there is tha point were you have to stop and leave it go.

  2. This is absolutely true. As I now am a single mother to an 18 year old in a huge transitional time of her life as well as an only child to a single 82 year old. Other who now needs me to take care of her and the only provider I find myself utterly alone. Alone with a line up of acquaintances that I can?t even get to go to the beach with me after 15 plus years of friendship. If they need someone to do something they want to do when they want to do it o may get an invite but that is pretty rare. I have no family. My mother was alone Hmong if her life. I have been alone most of mine and it seems my only daughter is in the same position even at her young age. It is absolutely bazaar. We are each attractive and intelligent. Quite humorous and willing to help out anyone. So I just can?t unders what exactly I?ve done to fall into this pattern of almost pathetically chasing any companionship. I have been a true friend anytime someone is in need. I have loaned huge sums of money. Worked countless hours to help move, or build, or cook, or entertain over the years that now fall completely flat and I see the exact same pattern in my sweet undeserving daughter. Am I cursed? Are the women in my family doomed to this aloneness? I am not one for a potty party and am quite rational and not overly emotional but honestly piecing it together this pattern is blowing my mind. It feels like a wave knowledge hitting me with the reality that I am truly solo after being nothing but pretty great to lots of people throughout my life. I really can?t bear that my daughter will have the same revelation in her 40s.

    1. Although I am only 16, I find in the same position as you; I have realized that I’ve been chasing many friends and holding one-sided friendships. I decided to stop initiating conversations and plans with them in hopes that they would “make the first move” but they haven’t. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me because I am a very loyal and dependable friend that is always up for hanging out, in other words, I honestly think I am an overall true and fun friend.
      Have you figured out why this keeps happening to you?

  3. It is absolutely true. Even chasing people most of the time can be for our selfish reasons. Deep down we know we want their validation to feel good about ourselves.
    But we just lower our self esteem this way. It works like a painkiller; the pain will come back more severe. We know that if we stop contacting them, we will never hear from these people again. They see our weaknesses. Let’s change the game and give them a taste of their own medicine. Stop being an initiator, whenever then contact us, we will politely reply. That is what I would recommend to myself first.

    1. Yes, I agree. Although, the last time I left it to her, she was angry with me and accused me of being too spiritual…I quite literally don’t understand that!

  4. I’ve had one friendship like this for years…I’m so tired of it. I’m in my 50s, have really worked on myself, and all my other ‘grown-up’ friendships are two-way, because I generally don’t tolerate people who act this way. When I back off with this one – as in – not chasing her down to see when she’s available, she has massively, drunkenly raged at me – which informs me not to be around her when she’s drinking. She has so much Cognitive dissonance it’s almost unreal, as I found out the last time I tried talking this through with her. She’s very popular with all her waifs and strays who constantly chase her. She’s also a rescuer and because I’ve been managing my life without being dependent on anyone, I guess I stand out as that person who doesn’t need anyone to her???
    We live close to each other which exacerbates this situation. I’ve even considered moving, so that with space, this won’t annoy me anymore!

  5. I definitely can relate to this, I’m now in my 40s and have decided I don’t want to chase anything anymore. It’s taught me I actually have very little true reciprocal relationships and has made me feel quite sad. I am working on myself but also feel im ready and deserving of friendships which give to me as much as I give to them.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *