I have just broken up with my partner, and I feel lost, lonely, sad and heavyhearted. Even though the relationship wasn’t working, at least I was somewhat comfortable. Now I’m dealing with the breakup, which makes me very uncomfortable, tense and uncertain of how to go on.
Most people experience rejection or heartbreak at some point in their lives. Usually it’s a time of confusion, deep emotional pain and chaos. While it’s easy to blame the other person and close your heart, in this chapter, I encourage you to learn from the past, discover a balanced point of view and find out how love and support is coming into your life in a new form. You have an opportunity to grow from this experience, become a wiser person and attract a more suitable relationship into your life.
Breaking up is hard to do
No matter how difficult a relationship, breaking up often brings up feelings of loss, sadness, grief, loneliness and uncertainty. It’s also common to feel a mixture of anger, fear, rejection, internal conflict, hurt and disbelief. All of your plans and dreams suddenly begin to disintegrate and this can be an excruciatingly painful, emotional and confusing phase.
It can be easy to stay in a relationship that’s not working because it’s all you know. Feelings of guilt, responsibility and fear of the future can keep you stuck. When you decide to move forward, you’ll experience discomfort of the unknown. This is where you have an opportunity to review your beliefs and attitudes about yourself, your life and your relationships. It’s a chance to rediscover your own inner strength, heal past wounds and make new, empowering decisions about the future.
I suggest you give yourself time for internal exploration and work with the healing processes at the end of the chapter. If you harbour negative feelings toward your ex-partner, then work with the cord-clearing process from the chapter on creating harmony in your relationships (see page 188).
As this is a very emotional experience, you may also like to experiment with the emotional-release process from the first section (see page 96).
Surrounding yourself with support
You need to be particularly gentle with yourself during this time. It’s also important to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Many important decisions may have to be made; however, you also need time to express your emotions. It’s essential that you do not close up and numb yourself.
It may be helpful to write down your feelings, cry, exercise, be creative and have some healing treatments that balance your emotions. A relaxing massage, reflexology, acupuncture, aromatherapy, chakra balancing, emotional-release therapy, or other forms of healing treatments can be soothing.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your friends or family about your breakup, or don’t have anyone close around, consider having some counselling sessions. A great counsellor can help you acknowledge your feelings and give you a new point of view on your situation.
Supporting your children
If you have children, make sure you talk with them and help them deal with their disappointment, sadness, or hurt. It’s vitally important to explain to your children that your decision to separate from their father or mother was not their fault, as children often blame themselves when their parents separate. Make sure you don’t talk negatively about your ex, or future ex, with your children. No matter how bad you feel, you don’t want to put your child in a position where they have to choose or feel conflicted. If the relationship was extremely abusive and you’re concerned about your children’s safety, then you must take all the important precautions.
Be aware that your children will have their own relationship with your ex. Having a healthy bond with both parents is extremely important for children’s mental, emotional and physical well-being, as well as their ability to have nourishing relationships with others when they get older.
Learning from the past
A positive attitude that life will get better can also help you move forward. It’s important to focus on what you can do now rather than what went wrong in the past. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself and make decisions that help you to move on.
After a breakup, it’s imperative that you allow your heart enough time to grieve and don’t close up and lock all the pain inside. You need to heal and learn from past experiences, which can help you move forward and attract a better relationship. If you close up, then you will either stop yourself from meeting someone or keep connecting with a partner who is wrong for you.
Acknowledge the positive aspects of your past relationship, so that you can move forward with a sense of accomplishment and completion rather than failure and disappointment. Spend time reflecting on how you have grown from the experience. What aspects of yourself have you developed? What have you discovered about yourself? How would you like things to be different in your next relationship? What qualities will you be looking for in your next partner?
Take time to discover what you love about yourself, how you want to be treated in a relationship and how you can have more fun. When you’re in pain, it’s easy to forget that there are a lot of interesting, loving, creative, soulful people around who can lead you to the most delicious, passionate, profound experience of love. You just need to be open and send out the right vibes.
A perfect opportunity to explore and transform
If you feel lost, this is a perfect opportunity to begin exploring. Instead of thinking that you know yourself, it’s a chance to discover what you like, what attracts you and what turns you on. You might decide to try things that you have never done, like a dance class, a trip, a job change, or even moving to a new neighbourhood or a new city.
After a breakup, one of my clients decided to try pole dancing. She lost weight, gained confidence and felt sexy. Another client booked a trip to Antarctica and then travelled across South America for three months. She came back refreshed and with a new perspective on life.
I’ve seen people get out of their box, rediscover their creativity and make tremendous steps towards their life goals after a separation. It’s like they were given a new lease on life. I knew a man who got super fit, ran a marathon and became an author. Another woman bought a dog, dressed it up, took photos and made Christmas cards that her friends loved so much that she turned her idea into a multimillion-dollar business. I’ve heard of people who go back to school, do charity work, become investors, meet their soul mates and reach a higher level of happiness and fulfillment, all because they had the courage to take a new path and focus on the possibilities, rather than on what they lost.
It’s important to understand that what you currently see as an ending is actually a form of transformation. Great questions to ask yourself are What do I feel I’ve lost? In what form is life bringing me those qualities now? For example, if you feel that you’ve lost affection, who is giving you affection now? It could be a friend or family member, or even someone you met recently who said something kind to you.
If you feel unsupported, look for who is showing you care. It’s possible that you’re also discovering that you’re capable of supporting yourself and becoming more financially empowered. If you feel lonely without your ex, check who is offering to spend time with you. Or maybe you need time out and this is your opportunity to learn to enjoy your own company. The more you see and acknowledge the new form of what you feel you have lost in your life, the faster you’re likely to come back to equilibrium as a full and joyous participant of your life.
Julia’s story: new beginnings
Julia and Phil lived in Sydney, Australia, for several years and had overcome many challenges to be together. They decided to get married and bought a house where they could start a family. Phil, originally from Greece, decided to visit his family before settling down.
When Phil returned, something wasn’t right. He seemed unsettled, confused and jittery. He told Julia that he wasn’t ready to settle down and felt he wanted to go back to Greece to live. Initially, Julia was devastated. Although there had been inklings of Phil’s uncertainty about a long-term commitment, Julia did not expect him to be so depressed and unhappy when he returned home. After some internal examination, Julia knew she needed more from the relationship and made the agonizing decision to move out.
Julia moved in with her parents and started looking for another apartment. Her first month on her own was difficult and she felt lost and alone. However, instead of wallowing in her pain and grief, she decided to focus on what was positive in her life. She reflected on all that she had learned from Phil and realized how much she had grown; she also gained clarity on what she wanted in a new relationship.
Julia spent a few months catching up with friends, rediscovering her old interests and nurturing herself. She began listening to her intuition and following her heart. Four months after the breakup, Julia was ready to start again. She had a prophetic dream about buying a new apartment, which she purchased a few days later.
Her birthday was coming up, so she got a funky haircut, bought some new clothes, and decided to start dating again. Within a month, Julia met Tom. He was everything that Julia had wanted in a partner: available, caring, attractive, supportive, creative, funny and completely smitten with her.
I was inspired by Julia’s positive attitude and increase in confidence. Once she had processed her pain, she allowed herself to see the new possibilities that life had to offer.
A year and a half later, Julia and Tom got married.
When I interviewed Dr. John Demartini, author of The Breakthrough Experience, he shared, “Whatever we are infatuated with or resentful of consumes space and time in our minds, and we are not free to run our own lives. A balanced perspective allows us to have freedom. The universe has laws that govern equilibrium. When we don’t see it, we become disordered. When we see it, we become poised instead of poisoned, present instead of future and past oriented. Wisdom is becoming aware of the implicate order and equilibrium that reigns.”
Being on your own gives you an opportunity to find the hidden order and blessings of your experience and recognize that nothing is actually missing; it’s just appearing in a different form.
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Processes for healing a broken heart
Here are three processes that can help you heal and move forward. Please do the hearthealing process several times. Also, work with the cord-clearing process on page 188 (to clear cords with your ex and anyone else involved) as well as the emotional-release process on page 96 (to release any negative emotions you’re experiencing).
Ask yourself these powerful questions
As you work with the following questions, write down the answers so that you can view them later.
What were some of the positive elements that helped me grow in this relationship?
Are there feelings of guilt I’m still holding on to that I’m willing to release?
Do I need to forgive my ex-partner or myself? (Do the forgiveness exercise from chapter 9 on page 122.)
Who are the people who can offer me support?
Can I give myself permission to receive this support?
Am I willing to keep my heart open, even though it hurts?
What kind of person would I like to attract into my life now?
What kind of relationship would I love to have now?
Recognize the balance
On one side of a piece of paper, write down what you feel you’ve lost by breaking up with your partner; on the other side, write down how those things are appearing in your life now in a new form. Even if they’re not obvious, try to recognize the balance in life.
Connect to your heart
Place your hands on your chest and take slow, deep breaths. Focus on relaxing your body and being soft and gentle with yourself.
Say: “Divine Healing Intelligence, please help me to release any anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear and _______________________________________ (add anything else you’d like to release) from my heart, mind, body and energy field. Please help me soothe my heart and fill it with peace, calm, sweetness, softness and warmth. Bring people into my life who will support and encourage me through this challenging time. Help me with my decision-making processes. Show me the best actions to take to put my life in order. Please bring back feelings of confidence, happiness and enthusiasm about my future. Thank you.”
Repeat the word “CLEAR” several times, until you feel lighter.
Visualize beautiful green, pink and yellow hues moving through your heart and cleansing it. Now, think about what you would really love to experience and give yourself permission to receive it.
Complete the process with the following mudra: Sit with a straight back and bring the palms of your hands together. Hold your hands in a prayer-like position. Bring the tips of your middle fingers to the centre of your forehead, at the level of your third-eye chakra. (Your elbows should point out to the sides.) Take slow, deep breaths. Imagine that you’re taking back all the power you’ve given away to your ex. Thank them for the experience of making you stronger. Then hum ummmmmm several times. Hold this position for at least two to three minutes, up to five minutes, and do this process two or three times a day after a breakup, until you feel stronger.
Read more about relationships in RELATIONSHIPS THAT WORK: Following the creative cycle to find the right person>>
image 1: buttersweet (Creative Commons BY-NC-SA)
image 2: witchnymph (Creative Commons BY-NC)
image 3: AlicePopkorn (Creative Commons BY)