Last updated on March 25th, 2019 at 10:27 pm

Cheese - The funniest quotes everIf you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance. – George Bernard Shaw

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. – Jerry Seinfeld

I am not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins, you can’t imagine the smell. – Robert Byrne

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap. – Fred Allen

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. – Charles KetteringPuzzle - The funniest quotes ever

It’s funny how most people love the dead; once you’re dead you’re made for life. – Jimi Hendrix

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? – Robin Williams

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure. – Murphy’s Law

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. – Doug Larson

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma BombeckChickens crossing road - The funniest quotes ever

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. – Garrison Keiller

When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers. – Polish Proverb

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? – Anonymous

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

Monkeys on laptops - The funniest quotes ever

The superfluous, a very necessary thing. – Voltaire

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. – Anonymous

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. – Bill Vaughan

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. – Anonymous

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