RECOVERY TOOLBOX: 5 ways addicts (and anyone else!) can overcome shame

Imagine for a moment a life where shame doesn’t have a tight hold on you. Imagine yourself with the capacity to process it and move forward without it rattling your foundation in a significant way. It’s possible, and by applying the suggestions below, you can make tremendous progress in moving past shame. This process belongs to you, and I encourage you to move within it at your own pace.

Own your story

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Have you ever wished that your story was different or that certain life events hadn’t happened? If you have, you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. We all have a story, a narrative of our lives. There will naturally be parts of it that feel more comfortable to remember, revisit and recount than others. Some memories may elicit warmth while others might cause a queasy feeling in your gut or fill you with sadness. This is part of the human experience that we all share. Sometimes it can be challenging to accept this.

In 12-step recovery, much is said about acceptance. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it states the following:

And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place or thing unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way that it is supposed to be at this moment.

It has taken time for me to understand on a deeper level what acceptance means within this context. At first, I had the impression that acceptance meant that I had to like or agree with everything that happened or was happening in my life. That isn’t what acceptance means in the 12 steps or in recovery.

The underlying message is this: Life holds many moments that can inspire difficult emotions like guilt, shame, anger, resentment and disappointment, and we don’t exactly get to choose how those moments will unfold or when. However, we can choose how we respond to life by owning our story and not running away from it or wishing that we had the life narrative of someone else.

I invite you to pause right now and reflect upon one event in your life when you felt shame. How do you tell that story? If you wish, take 15 minutes or so right now and write this story down. Explore what caused you to feel shame. Be gentle with yourself as you reflect on this. Know that any shame you feel is only a small part of who you are as a person. We are all more than our shame.

Identify the symptoms

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According to sociologist Brené Brown, shame has physical symptoms. These might include our mouth getting dry, time seeming to slow down, our heart racing, twitching, looking down and tunnel vision. These symptoms are different from one person to the next. So, if you learn your physical symptoms, you can recognize shame as it happens and get back on your feet faster. Take a few minutes to write down answers to the following prompts.

• I physically feel shame as [name sensations or parts of your body] …
• My shame symptoms include …
• When I’m experiencing shame, other emotions that arise are …
• If I could taste shame, it would taste like…
• If I could smell shame, it would smell like …
• If I could touch shame, it would feel like …

Then, in the moment, whenever you realize you’re experiencing shame—stop. Take 10 slow, deep belly breaths and repeat the following words to yourself: “I clear and release all my conscious or unconscious thoughts and feelings of shame.” Afterward, notice how you feel. Notice if any energy has shifted for you.

Share your shame

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According to Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy and judgment. As I say, shame hides in dark places and the antidote is light. Sharing feelings of shame with others is how we shed light on those dark places and see what is there. Rather than making us feel worse, this is how we learn, accept, move on and make better choices.

Here is an example from my life. It wasn’t easy for me to enter graduate school to study traditional Chinese medicine. For one thing, I had a lot of alcohol- and drug-related damage from my past that I had to clean up to even be considered by the school. And I did that, and I worked hard to become a licensed acupuncturist  …  only to find out that that’s not what I wanted to do after all.

I’d told everyone that “this is my future,” and I’d given up my whole life in New York to pursue this path, and I was terrified to have to admit, to myself and others, that I’d made a big mistake. I was filled with so much fear, embarrassment and shame. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to be able to stay sober through it. It was common for me to have panic attacks, and sleeping through the night was difficult.

During this remarkable and challenging time, one of the things that helped me greatly was sharing my shame with a few trusted people—close friends I felt comfortable enough with to admit my discomfort to. I was afraid to acknowledge my shame, but as soon as I did, I began to feel better. I felt like I could see things more clearly and I was able to breathe again, as if I had been literally holding my breath because of fear and shame.

In part because of my willingness to speak up and not keep my shame a secret, I was able to let go of any judgments I had about myself and identify what I wanted to do next, and life improved.

Right now, I invite you to pause and identify one to three people you feel you can trust to share your shame with, people who would lend a compassionate ear. These could be friends, family members or professionals, such as a counsellor, teacher or priest. If no one comes to mind, or no one who feels appropriate for what you have to share, consider finding a therapist (see “Seek Counselling” below) or call one of the many mental health hotlines that exist. They’re staffed with trained professionals who are available to listen anytime you need to be heard.

Consider which option may be right for you, then reach out and connect with those people. Decide the best way for you to convey this tender part of yourself to another person and follow through. Trust that the healing you need and deserve from this process is yours to have. 

Laugh at yourself

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This type of healing around shame is serious work, but it’s also possible to take it too seriously and to lose our sense of humour and wonder. Maintaining a sense of humour about life and its many ups and downs, and about ourselves and our many foibles, is also healing and can go a long way. Laughing at our problems, in addition to trying to fix them, is another way to express faith and confidence in ourselves that we’ll survive, come what may.

Life contains a multitude of diverse moments, both highs and lows, so embrace them all, the same way we admire all the colours of a rainbow, which would be incomplete without any one of them. Take as many opportunities as you can to laugh. Laughter and smiling release endorphins, the same feel-good hormones that are released through self-massage, which is another reason laughter helps us relax and feel better. Make space in your life to laugh as much as possible.

Seek counselling

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Being in recovery requires courage, humility, patience, resources and sustained effort. For many people, one important resource is seeking professional counselling. There are many good reasons to pursue therapy; understanding and releasing shame is just one.

One of many things that Keith [recovery friend] and I have in common is the fact that we both sought counselling to address the underlying issues that fuelled our addictions. I’ve heard it said in 12-step meetings that alcoholism is “cunning, baffling and powerful,” and I tend to agree. So is shame, fear, isolation and all the other feelings and problems that lead someone to drink.

Shame is insidious and will fester until it’s addressed. However, when someone has lived with it for a long time, they don’t always realize how it touches every aspect of life. Working with a well-trained therapist who is skilled at guiding people through recovery is vital to effectively understanding and deconstructing the causes of addiction and negative behaviour for you.

Going to therapy is a big step. Seeking counselling is the act of asking for help, which isn’t an easy task. It’s an acknowledgment that there is a problem and that we don’t have all the answers. It’s OK to not have all the answers. Thank goodness we don’t have the responsibility of knowing everything. That would be exhausting, and it’s impossible.

Finding a therapist that you feel comfortable and safe with is important. It’s also important for you to set the pace of your therapeutic journey. Unpacking the origins of shame or any powerful emotion, understanding how it affects you and developing internal mechanisms to disarm it can’t be rushed. The painful feelings we carry weren’t created overnight, and they won’t disappear in a day. It takes time and effort. Give yourself that time and space. I urge you to be brave enough to do this important, life-changing work.

If this is something that you’re open to, set some time aside to research therapists who can help you address your needs. Ask trusted friends, family members, colleagues or recovery professionals for referrals. That is a good place to start. Allow your inner wisdom to guide you on this part of your path. Self-compassion and freedom are waiting whenever we decide to take this step. The transformation we seek requires daily attention and help from a range of people.

Keith offered some final advice about coping with shame:

My recommendation would always be, for dealing with shame, you have to identify the source individually. You may need professional help to do that. Then combine it with prayer, meditation, Yoga or any other mindful movement practice, as well as breathing exercises. Whatever it is that you may want to bring into your life to get you to a level that you want to start your day at. Those are the things I do to keep my shame in remission.

images: Depositphotos