Woman's silhouette next to self-affirming words

BAGGAGE AND SELF-LOVE: Reflections on lightening a heavy emotional load

The chapter where she prayed to her Lord to stop the pain

I truly cannot explain how madly in love I was
with our love.

I became in love
with the way you loved me.

I became in love with the way
you loved; how I fell in love with myself.

It was pure before it was chaotic.
You were my pureness
and I became your chaos,
in the most indescribable way.

It was almost too perfect, and the universe showed us that.

Part these two souls, for they must learn.
– Learn what?

That love must come with patience.
– But she has waited her entire life for this one.

Yes, but has he?
– Will it not shatter them, though?

She has nothing left to lose; she will not be shattered.
He has yet many things to lose; he cannot compare to her power.

Baggage


As some may recall from my writings, I clearly come with baggage. A full three-piece vacation deal that comes with a carry-on as well, if you purchase a one-year warranty. Everywhere I’ve been, I’ve just dragged these things along, while making sure I kept an eye on everything. I’ve always found myself apologizing for bringing my baggage to events or gatherings, having to squeeze it past people, and hauling it over things because of the weight.

Just empty some things out… you know… so it’s easier to carry…if you need to.”

Right?! Oh, my goodness… right!

I’ve gone through many perspectives as to how I should approach life. For the most part, I’ve walked on a thread. I’ve based my full identity on my past: The quiet, dark girl, who wasn’t capable of being loved because of her borderline personality disorder, the isolation she felt as a child, the bulimia she developed through high school, and then the trauma, anxiety—and, dear God, the list could go on.

I’m a wreck, but I’m my own wreck, and my responses to what I go through are my own responsibility. I don’t know the exact date (sometime during January of 2020) that I realized I’m more than my past. I don’t know how it started, although I do remember that as time went by, I became so many colours. It wasn’t dark anymore. I raised myself with the ideology that to be powerful and fierce, I needed to let go of my soul. I couldn’t go through any more pain than I already had, so I became my pain.

So how did this all change, one might ask? I mean, look at her… she barely tripped over that obstacle the Universe just threw at her!

Faking it


I faked it all. There it is. I lied to myself. The worst part, it was so that I wouldn’t seem weird to this boy.

Is she kidding me? A person did this? So, it wasn’t all the healing books and morning walks to the water?!

Crazy, isn’t it? The ironic but sort of humourous side of it all is that I also left this person due to, uhm, my baggage.

WELL, WELL, WELL, HOW THE TURN TABLES.” – Michael Scott, The Office

Do not judge. It was the best chapter of my life; I still cry in front of my mirror as I sing songs that are slowed down with rain in the background, and the entire purpose of this is now sidetracked.

So, the purpose? Fake your identity, fall in love with an angel, accept that it’s just a lesson and become the powerful human your inner child can feel safe with. Understand that your past is a reasonable… reason to lash out at times, to avoid people, to hide, to eat your emotions, to not make sense at all.

It’s reasonable, to you, and to others who may also understand where you’re coming from. I get it, they get it, and obviously you get it. What we forget to “get” is that it isn’t us. It doesn’t define us. It’s no excuse for some of the actions we might take. It’s a hard, and sometimes harsh, truth.

Just as the author Mark Manson says, you can blame your past for how you feel, but your actions that result from it are your responsibility (I probably didn’t phrase that right, leave me alone). The faking part of it was a test for me. I wanted to react to some things, and I remembered that I shouldn’t.

“You can’t get angry about plan cancellations. I know it makes you feel isolated, because you may think they don’t want to hang out with you, but things happen. This isn’t on you. They gave you a reason why, apologized and want to make up for it. Be mature, understand that things come up, you have other things to do in your life anyway, be kind.”

My inner child


Woman's silhouette next to self-affirming words

The more I thought before I spoke, the clearer it became: how powerful and smart I really am. I’m so much more than an emotionally damaged person. Heck, I’m not even that now. I have emotions, but I’m not damaged. I’m afraid to love, but I can love and be loved. I have my trauma, but I’m not my trauma. I have a past, but I also have a present and a future. I had a voice, and now, it’s as powerful as ever.

Thank you to my inner child for being patient. Thank you to “I can’t say your name” for holding your hand out while she finally held on.

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