Humpty Dumpty with Alice in Wonderland

FAMILY SECRETS BRUISED LIVES: The cost of a few moments of lust, hubris and carelessness

Last updated: April 8th, 2019

Eric was my mother’s youngest sibling. There were two brothers, the oldest and the youngest of the brood, and three sisters in the middle. All the siblings, but my mother, were married when Eric was born, and my mother wound up being left at home to help my grandmother with the chores when Eric was a baby.

Eric met and married my aunt Gretchen when they were quite young. They made a beautiful couple and Aunt Gretchen was always the sweetest person. She fit right into my mother’s side of the family. By the time I came along, Eric and Gretchen had two children—a girl and a boy—who were around 10 years old.

By the 1990s, Uncle Eric and Aunt Gretchen were in their 70s and had several grandchildren. They were always my favourite relatives and I enjoyed visiting with them after my mother died in 1990.

During one of my visits, my aunt Gretchen said she had something to tell me. I could tell there was something very serious on her mind, and I also felt there was a sadness about something that was unresolved. Uncle Eric was away somewhere for the afternoon, so we had time alone together to talk.

“Did you know you had another cousin bedside Eric Junior and Sue?”

“No,” I said, surprised by the news.

A very solemn look settled on Gretchen’s face.  “Well, not long after Eric and I were married, he got a young woman pregnant.”

You could tell she felt deeply betrayed by what Eric had done. She also told me of the financial and emotional burden it placed on their family having to secretly support the estranged woman and son for many years.

Obviously it Eric and Gretchenhad been a family secret for many years, and now she was revealing this to me when she and Eric were in their seventies. I had no idea what to say to her. It was disturbing knowing that she had carried this in her heart all these years. Many women I am sure would have just ended the marriage. I didn’t know what to do except to feel sad for her. I wasn’t going to pretend that I could feel what she had felt all those years. I think she just wanted someone to listen. I knew that Eric would be hurt too if I told him of the topic Gretchen had raised that had obviously been troubling her for 50 or more years.

I was left to ponder why people (in this case my elderly aunt) hold on to things that are better forgotten for so long that they only hurt themselves and others, while other people seem to be able to just let things go.

It crossed my mind that this could explain Eric’s sudden absence this afternoon. That he was visiting that child who was now an adult possibly with grandchildren of his own that Gretchen had never met. Eric’s absence was a stinging reminder that there were still people in his life that in her mind should never have existed. A desperate part of her was wishing that they did not exist now. I could not know what was in her heart and mind. She had not provided any more details. I could only guess how deep the pain went by the tortured look on her face, a face that was normally filled with joy and lightness.

Eric and Gretchen are long since passed now, but I still wonder about that afternoon I spent with Gretchen. What wisdom was there for me to discover? Who are these beautiful exquisite beings who often appear so strong and resilient yet who can, with one single act, be broken into pieces that, like Humpty Dumpty, can never be put back together again? What is the cost for a few moments of male lust, hubris and carelessness? Is this some affliction that we share as a species? What is the cost to our society?

Even though we have created taboos and institutions to regulate these carnal urges, no one seems immune to them and their consequences. Attempts to legitimize them have failed at every juncture. It seems that all we can do is accept ourselves as we are with all our flaws and imperfections, and strive to get beyond the notion that we are destined for perpetual failure.

[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]by Michael Jenkins

image: Humpty Dumpty – Through the Looking Glass and what Alice Found via Shutterstock